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In a Bad Place on Day 6

Old 03-24-2018, 10:17 AM
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In a Bad Place on Day 6

First off, I do not mean I want a drink. Far from it. I have been preparing this morning for meeting with my AA sponsor reading chapters 2 & 3 of the Big Book (idk, why they call it the “Big Book”; its 164 pages, and I could probably knock it our in a day; I read a lot for my work; I digress).

What has me down is what usually happens in early recovery, which happened last time I quit. Early sobriety SEEMS, to lay bare emotions and feelings supressed by alcohol. For me, I am deeply unhappy in my marriage.

My wife has been supportive. But she has always been emotionally distant when she is sober. She calls it her “shyness.” We have never really had a whole lot of romance. It was masked over by the one thing we shared in common. We loved to drink.

She is different from me though. She can go on a bender, and she does at least twice a month, and then not touch a drop. A couple of weeks ago when I was sober she went on one. She Went out with her girlfriends who all drink heavily when they do drink. When I got a little pissed she was going out with her friends without me, as we had not been spending a lot of time together, she said I was just mad because I cannot go to bars and not drink. And just because I have a “problem” doesn’t mean she cannot go out and drink. While that is true, the way she put it and said it came off as callous and unfeeling. It hurt.

So last night she went on a bender. Didn’t get home until 3 in the morning. I woke up and asked her why she was getting in so late she got angry and aggressive. She was still hammered. That she drove home like that is frightening.

Right now it is noon, and she is still sleeping it off. And I am left to deal with her daughter. With whom I do not get along. And my mother-in-law who is now with us 4-5 nights a week. Hard to have an intimate relationship with her mom around every weekend and then some. And I dearly miss my natural children. My 2 sons are serving in the Army, while my daughters are now busy teens who have to split time with Daddy and their friends/activities.

She will eventually get up and convalesce the day away on the couch taking naps and recovering. Meanwhile, we will have no alone time. Frankly, the lack of intimacy (and I do not mean just sex, but the closeness only a couple in Love can share), has gotten me down for a long time.

And now I am sad thinking this marriage will not last. But I know moods are all over the place in early recovery. So I need to give it some time. But I am pretty sad today. My marriage appears to be one void of love, tenderness and emotion. It is a transactional one in which I take care of her and her daughter and mother; while no one takes care of me. I feel very alone. I miss my kids.
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:39 AM
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Hi Horn, firstly congratulations on quitting and reaching day 6.

That does sound like a tough domestic situation and I completely understand how you would miss your children, I missed mine too.

The thing is you have to allow yourself more sober time to really understand your own situation and also to see how your family react to you as a consistently sober person. It's possible thattheir attitude towards you might change too after a couple of months and if they don't then at least you would be much better placed mentally to decide what to do next.

Do you have any way of contacting your children and letting them know how you are feeling?
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Horn95 View Post
First off, I do not mean I want a drink. Far from it. I have been preparing this morning for meeting with my AA sponsor reading chapters 2 & 3 of the Big Book (idk, why they call it the “Big Book”; its 164 pages, and I could probably knock it our in a day; I read a lot for my work; I digress).

What has me down is what usually happens in early recovery, which happened last time I quit. Early sobriety SEEMS, to lay bare emotions and feelings supressed by alcohol. For me, I am deeply unhappy in my marriage.

My wife has been supportive. But she has always been emotionally distant when she is sober. She calls it her “shyness.” We have never really had a whole lot of romance. It was masked over by the one thing we shared in common. We loved to drink.

She is different from me though. She can go on a bender, and she does at least twice a month, and then not touch a drop. A couple of weeks ago when I was sober she went on one. She Went out with her girlfriends who all drink heavily when they do drink. When I got a little pissed she was going out with her friends without me, as we had not been spending a lot of time together, she said I was just mad because I cannot go to bars and not drink. And just because I have a “problem” doesn’t mean she cannot go out and drink. While that is true, the way she put it and said it came off as callous and unfeeling. It hurt.

So last night she went on a bender. Didn’t get home until 3 in the morning. I woke up and asked her why she was getting in so late she got angry and aggressive. She was still hammered. That she drove home like that is frightening.

Right now it is noon, and she is still sleeping it off. And I am left to deal with her daughter. With whom I do not get along. And my mother-in-law who is now with us 4-5 nights a week. Hard to have an intimate relationship with her mom around every weekend and then some. And I dearly miss my natural children. My 2 sons are serving in the Army, while my daughters are now busy teens who have to split time with Daddy and their friends/activities.

She will eventually get up and convalesce the day away on the couch taking naps and recovering. Meanwhile, we will have no alone time. Frankly, the lack of intimacy (and I do not mean just sex, but the closeness only a couple in Love can share), has gotten me down for a long time.

And now I am sad thinking this marriage will not last. But I know moods are all over the place in early recovery. So I need to give it some time. But I am pretty sad today. My marriage appears to be one void of love, tenderness and emotion. It is a transactional one in which I take care of her and her daughter and mother; while no one takes care of me. I feel very alone. I miss my kids.
Sorry to be blunt but you need to man up a little if you think you're getting used (which it kinda sounds like) and lay down the law. I know self esteem can be low in early recovery but you need to muster up whatever strength you have. If you're still unhappy after that then you should probably move on.
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by saoutchik View Post
Hi Horn, firstly congratulations on quitting and reaching day 6.

That does sound like a tough domestic situation and I completely understand how you would miss your children, I missed mine too.

The thing is you have to allow yourself more sober time to really understand your own situation and also to see how your family react to you as a consistently sober person. It's possible thattheir attitude towards you might change too after a couple of months and if they don't then at least you would be much better placed mentally to decide what to do next.

Do you have any way of contacting your children and letting them know how you are feeling?
Thanks for the response. Of course there is nothing I can do about my sons. Uncle Sam determines when they can come home. And it is hard for me to get the BFE locales they are in. But I am close to both. And always have been. I am close to my daughters as well, but busy teens are busy teens, and they live with my first wife 30 minutes away.

But you’re exactly right. I need to give it some time.
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:52 AM
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Congratulations on Day 6, Horn!

I'm sorry about your situation with your marriage. Does your wife know how you are feeling about things? Have you considered couples counselling? I hope you keep trying to spend as much time with your two teen daughters as you can.
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:57 AM
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im thinking that with time and working the program- things in YOU will change.
have to tried communcating this with your wife?

as for the BB question- it got that name because of the thickness of the paper used in the first edition.
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Old 03-24-2018, 10:57 AM
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I can't relate but I sympathize Horn.

If I had a mother-in-law I wasn't fond of and a stepdaughter I didn't get along with, I think I'd have a difficult time staying sober. Strikes me as one of those things that is a constant source of stress. Have you considered walking away from the situation? Do they trigger drinking? Love the honesty by the way. And congrats on getting to day 6 (especially with the margaritas at the Mexican restaurant which you mentioned elsewhere).
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Old 03-24-2018, 11:20 AM
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Sorry for what you're going through Horn. The entire scenario sounds like one giant trigger. Any chance for some couples counseling at some point? I think the big problem in relationships is when couples don't grow together.
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Old 03-24-2018, 12:25 PM
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I want to commend you on having a sponsor. If any post pictured a need for one on one, face to face, meeting your post would definitely qualify. I don't begin to think I would be qualified to advise on your situation. I can only share my experience with you, and hopefully that, along with others sharing their experience, you would gain strength and hope. Then, you can share with others. That is when life gets good! Your personal situation as described is not what anyone would draw up as a pleasing way to live. Here is the rub at least for me, as an alcoholic. Do I want to get, and stay, sober? When it boils down to it, wife or no wife, job or no job, health or bad health, money or no money, I cannot drink. I used to "drink at" my disappointments in life. Now, I pray about them, work on them with the knowledge I gain from help, and I give thanks for not taking a drink, and I give thanks for living sober another day, not with clenched teeth, but joyful that I have been saved from the alcoholic death trip I was on. God bless you, best wishes for your relationships.
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Old 03-24-2018, 12:36 PM
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Very sorry to hear what you going through. Sounds beyond tough. But I just want to commend you on coming here and letting people know what you are going through. I think many people including myself keep our problems to ourselves and don't take advantage of this great forum as a way to let it out. Stuff eventually builds, and sadly leads back to drinking as a way to escape. Reminds me of some of the people I have seen in AA that seem so comfortable letting people know what's going on with them. Don't know how they do it, but I know it's the right thing to do.
I hope you keep letting us know what's going on with you. John
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Old 03-24-2018, 12:40 PM
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Thank you for your honesty Horn. You are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and that isn't easy.

Oh man, drinking buddies that get married. Lots to say on that. It has been my experience, not only with myself but years of listening to other addicts, that alcohol is our solution to our intimacy challenges, fears, anxieties, insecurities. Take that away and oh my gosh we are vulnerable. And scared. Yikes. Its like one has to relearn that entire 'relationship' thing. And intimacy, of any kind, can really be a challenge. So I guess I'm saying, I relate. I think like Anna said, counseling is great place to start. Making huge changes when you are literally days sober (changes as in leaving the relationship) is a huge mistake. If you love her, and it sounds like you do, try to hang in there until you are at least a couple months sober. Talk to her about getting some outside opinions.

Hang in there. Focus on you. Its hard enough to reshape our own feelings, let alone another persons.
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Old 03-24-2018, 01:14 PM
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from what I read..at 6 days you're waking up to the reality of your life without booze goggles on. SH8t's weird and can/does hurt. How long have you been married and why is the ML staying over so much? Kinda reads like you were drinking at the relationship issues,thus 'hiding' them with drink(you and her). Now she's OUT THERE until 3am!?!? come'on..I know us drunks can't be critical early on,but did she always do this when out with her friends? Because TRUST me!! Once we admit 'defeat/whatever' to our SO, they will use that info. I was sober 3mo and got back together with my now exAgf and she'd yell(in a bar) "you're an alcoholic!!" While she was blackout drunk and I'm drinking a water..it was crazy!

Watch your back(sobriety,finances,ect..) is all I'm saying..
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Old 03-24-2018, 02:12 PM
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Sorry you are going through this Horn and kudos for your wonderfully honest post. It really is difficult facing true facts once we become sober. Sometimes we've been blurring reality for so long that we lose track of why we needed to in the first place. Then it hits us between the eyes, and we can't turn to alcohol to mask it, which would only make things worse. It's likely every one of us who choose sobriety have had to go through this at some point. While I do agree with all those who say No major life changes in the first year of sobriety, I also have to believe our sobriety should be priority one, and if your wife's behavior begins triggering a relapse then it would be wise to take some sort of action.
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Old 03-24-2018, 02:59 PM
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Horn,

I relate. My wife seems to lose her intimacy if I don't keep at it. She, women (?), is/are wired differently.

I am pretty blunt about it..hey honey...I need some intimacy. This includes talking hugging, kisses, etc etc. If she resists, as she does sometimes, I say...this makes all our other problems worse. I lead into this whole thing with more hugs and tickles. It is king of a ritual. We have been together 20 years.

I am sort of selfish though, because once I get my fix, I am good for a couple of weeks or so. After that I get in a funk about it.

It is primal I figure. My wife will lurk around me and say key words that tells me she is interested in intimacy.

Often times, we are both tired from work and life. Plus, I take Lisinopril for high BP, which doesn't help my drive or my emotional state.

She has tons of stress as well from this and that.

So that is my point of view. I don't give advice anymore.

About the drinking thing, 6 days clean was like a blip for me. I didn't really start freaking out until I was 80 days clean. That is when I realized I was in a serious battle to stay clean.

My personal hell is just now fully lifting. But, as any addict, I start to think I can drink again.

Never again.

Thanks.
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Old 03-24-2018, 03:38 PM
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Hard to have an intimate relationship with her mom around every weekend and then some.

boy that sentence sure has a different meaning depending on how you read it!!! sorry, note to self to carefully read the full post!!

six days is great, but no picnic. this isn't the fun part of recovery....not yet. it's the "getting over a bad flu that almost killed me" phase.

living with someone who still drinks, and does so with some vigor (married women out til 3 am......oh wait, that was ME!!!!) really adds distance and confusion.

rule #1....whatever ya do, don't drink.

get to more meetings, keep collecting sober days. things that are fuzzy today will become clearer as time goes by.
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Old 03-24-2018, 03:48 PM
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I found early sobriety made me mad at the world and everyone around me. I was on the verge of exploding every second of the day. My wife can get on my nerves as I can on hers.

I found if I was mad at her it was best to take a step back and try to clear my head/let it pass. Typically I'd find that I was blowing things out of proportion.

tbh I don't care is she wants to go out with some friends for the night. If I don't feel like going I send her out with her friends. I had to isolate myself and I didn't want that to drag her down also. I'm 13+ months sober now and I still don't like to go out dancing like we used to. She gets board, I trust her, and she goes out sometimes.

That said there is no drinking and driving, that isn't good.
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Old 03-24-2018, 06:26 PM
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I'll add too..my 'step son'..his mother and I never married,but were together for years(I raised him)...Looking,back now..I could see the fear of the addict in his eyes when she'd almost be home,but I was also an addict..the "cool one"..So,her daughter could be kinda reaching out?..again.. I have zero perspective on your alls lives..just a thought.. Teenage years are CRAZY for any gender!! So walk gently!
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Old 03-24-2018, 06:26 PM
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Horn, congratulations on your 6th day sober.

I'm sorry for all that you're dealing with - your sobriety is still quite fragile - maybe put off any big decisions for a while, as others suggested. I'm very glad you felt free to discuss this here - we are your friends, & want to help. I hope you can get a good rest tonight.
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Old 03-24-2018, 07:08 PM
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Thanks all. Had some ice cream. All is well.
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Old 03-24-2018, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Horn95 View Post
Thanks all. Had some ice cream. All is well.
How did ice cream solve this?
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