I mentioned that I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a divorce and is having a really tough time and before I could finish my sentence she asked "are you going to leave me." I am going overseas for business next week and asked our nanny if she could help watch the kids on Saturday night, spend the night and watch them on Sunday morning so my wife could have time to go to Meetings and Church without having to drag the kids around - that was my sole purpose. She accused me of having the nanny be here to watch over her to make sure she doesn't drink. That was 100% not my motive - I don't have the ability to be dishonest anymore. I simply told her "Ok, you figure out the help you need while I am gone - I am out of it." I just have the gut feeling that if I walk or separate it will be the lynch pin that makes her really hit her bottom.
These two defensive moves for me are major red flags. Thoughts?
For the most part when you are talking about giving ultimatums - I think we never know that the outcome will be. So really we have to make the decision based on our needs, and what we can live with. Every action has a reaction, and so we have to be willing to live with the consequences. There was also a thread on here the other day where we were talking about how family members often did give an ultimatum and it did spark their partner to begin on the process of change. So?
I have a couple questions. Why do you think your wife began to attend AA? Do you think its possible that her path to recovery may differ from yours? She may have a longer path, may need other treatment options? In your post , you kept using the term "alcoholic' and she keeps rejecting it after a bit. Is she required to take on a label? One thing Ive been told is if a person keeps doing the same thing over and over, with poor results, then maybe there needs to be a change in what they are doing.
This is a philosophy about recovery that I find helpful as a family member: try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try, SUCCEED!
But as family members sometimes the process is one we cant go through with them if its becoming harmful to us.