Recovering Alcoholic married in to an Alcoholic Family

Old 03-15-2018, 01:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 62
Recovering Alcoholic married in to an Alcoholic Family

Hey All,

First time posting in this forum specifically. Little background on me, my sobriety date is 10/10/2016. After a terrible career with alcohol and hitting my bottom I came in to the rooms of AA, got a sponsor and work a solid program to maintain my sobriety and spiritual condition. I have been married to my AW for 10 years and we have been together for 15 years. We met in college and partied for 14 of the 15 years together. Each enabling each other and digging ourselves deeper in to an alcoholic lifestyle. We have two boys together, 4 and 6. When I was actively drinking alcohol my wife was right there with me day in and day out - both everyday drinkers. I always laugh because I was such an alcoholic I was hiding my drinking from another alcoholic in the last year of my drinking.

When I decided to get sober, my wife continued to drink attempting to control it. I was confused on whether she was an A for the first 5 months of my sobriety. Honestly, only the alcoholic can diagnose themselves as alcoholic so I hesitate in calling her one in this thread but it's easiest to relay my message if I do.

While I was in AA my first 5 months she was going to al-anon and abusing alcohol on the side. She was admittedly waiting for any moment for me to get out of the house so she could drink and resenting me getting better. In February of 2017, I could tell her drinking was ramping up again. She had drank approximately 10-15 750's of vodka/tequila over 4-5 weeks. I came home from a work trip early one day to find her wasted on the couch and self conscious of what I walked in to. We went on a walk the next day and she broke down crying but didn't say anything - I just gave her a hug and told her I loved her. The next day I had the gut feeling that I had to say something. I relayed my experience with drinking and sobriety to her in hopes she would check out AA.

She came in to AA last March and picked up a white chip, got a sponsor and attempted to work the program. We were also jointly seeing a counselor who specializes in addiction. Around the 90th day of sobriety she was convinced she wasn't an alcoholic, met with the counselor and admittedly lied on a questionnaire he had her fill out about alcoholism, and said she wasn't an alcoholic but was going to abstain from drinking. She told me on day 90 that she didn't think she was an alcoholic but wasn't going to drink. 2 days later she dropped our son off at guitar lessons, went to a liquor store, bought a bottle of vodka and was drinking it in the front seat of her car in the parking lot. She continued to drink in hiding for 6 weeks, obsessing everyday and drinking everyday. I was blind to it and traveling again for work so who knows what it looked like behind my back.

She finally got depressed enough to come clean, kind of. She didn't tell me it was going on for 6 weeks until well after she picked up her second white chip. She played it off like it was a 1 day slip at first. She came clean with her sponsor too. She then went for another 90 days and slipped again, picked up a white chip. Then went another 20 something days and slipped on Cooking Vermouth and Cooking Sherry that was so old and in the back of the pantry which lead to buying a bottle of vodka. When she came clean about the Vermouth and Sherry she asked me to dump it out. I asked if there was anything else and she said, no. 12 days later she slipped again while her parents were in town for Christmas - on the same bottle of vodka she had left over that there was supposedly none left of when I asked.

She's now on day 77 again and she told me yesterday she is not convinced she's an alcoholic but isn't going to drink and will keep working with a sponsor and going to AA. To her credit, she told her sponsor she needs to go back to step 1 since she was going to do step 3 today. I see the same cycle happening - get to about 90 days, convince yourself you're not an alcoholic and slip again.

All the while over the last 8 months, her enabling parents - also alcohol abusers - have been in her ear telling her they don't think she's an alcoholic, doing everything they can to assassinate my character, etc.. She was raised in a home where the kind of drinking us alcoholics do just seems normal to her. There is a bright side of it though. My wife's younger sister, 12 years younger, lives near us and called me back in August one morning telling me she was really struggling with life and suicidal. She was abusing alcohol and pills. She came in to AA and has maintained her sobriety for nearly 8 months now and is doing so well.

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to feel. I talked to he last night and told her that I love her but I can't see myself living in a relationship with an active drinker for my life and that it's unhealthy for my maintaining both my sobriety and spiritual condition. She again replies well I'm not going to drink.....

I'm starting CODA next week and discussing with my sponsor and therapist. I'm afraid for her really because my experience drinking alcohol led me to knocking on deaths door, adding up my savings-retirement-assets etc. to figure out how long my family could live when I killed myself, dark desperate place. Thank god I walked in to AA - it saved my life.

I mentioned that I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a divorce and is having a really tough time and before I could finish my sentence she asked "are you going to leave me." I am going overseas for business next week and asked our nanny if she could help watch the kids on Saturday night, spend the night and watch them on Sunday morning so my wife could have time to go to Meetings and Church without having to drag the kids around - that was my sole purpose. She accused me of having the nanny be here to watch over her to make sure she doesn't drink. That was 100% not my motive - I don't have the ability to be dishonest anymore. I simply told her "Ok, you figure out the help you need while I am gone - I am out of it." I just have the gut feeling that if I walk or separate it will be the lynch pin that makes her really hit her bottom.

These two defensive moves for me are major red flags. Thoughts?

I feel for all the people on this forum having been an AH and understanding what this disease does to family members. It's an awful thing that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Apologies for the long rant but really just needed to get this off of my chest and get some support. Thank you all!
ChucktownMC is offline  
Old 03-15-2018, 02:42 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chucktown......I think we can all relate to how you must be feeling....

If she isn't "there" yet...she isn't there, yet. (you can guess that I am talking about Step 1).
You know, by now...the 3 Cs...
--didn't Cause it/can't Cure it/can't Control it---

I suspect that you already have a pretty good idea of what you have to do.....

Thankfully you have a good program and you are going to go to CODA....and, you know to protect your sobriety above all.....

a question---do you think that your presence is enabling her is ways that you are not even aware of?

We have several men on this forum, right now, who are in similar situations, that I am sure will be along to share with you....
dandylion is offline  
Old 03-15-2018, 02:45 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chucktown...we have an extensive, excellent library, on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones...there are a lot of them...lol...enough to read one every single day (with your coffee...lol)....I think you can gain a lot from those articles...that have been written from the experience and tears of those who have come before you....

Here is a link to those articles.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
dandylion is offline  
Old 03-15-2018, 03:05 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 62
Thanks Dandylion. I will definitely read the articles. I’ve been reading this forum every day for the last 30 days or so. I’ve been active in the forums pertaining to my own alcoholism much longer.

Can you please elaborate on enabling her by being there in ways I’m not aware of? That would be extemely helpful. Thank you!
ChucktownMC is offline  
Old 03-15-2018, 03:19 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chucktown.....We.l.ll.....actually, you would know better than me...because I don't know what takes place between your and your wife....specifically...
Some typical things would be....like making it more comfortable for her to drink....doing things for her, that she could and should be doing for herself....making excuses for her...or not holding her accountable for her actions...or, maybe, allowing her to blame you for all of the problems in the marriage and as a reason for her drinking (accepting it, in your own mind)....or, turning a blind eye to the damage that it might be doing to the children....or, maybe, doing more than your fair share of the "work" of holding a family together....or, maybe, stuffing your feelings or walking around on eggshells, with her....

I think, as you read the articles and also, the book "CO-Dependent No More"....these possible things will become clearer to you....as well as in CODA....

I hope that this helps...
I think some other posters will come along, and be able to flush this out better than I can.....
dandylion is offline  
Old 03-15-2018, 04:07 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
Dear Chuck
I know several AAers who believe that codependency is at the root of all other addictions. This has definitely been true in my case.
I have 4 years sober this month from alcohol. I was one of the rare ones who was sick of it and ready to quit. I have never had the compulsion to go back to it. I do not attend AA and believe that recovery from my codependency is my primary focus.
I believe in miracles and will pray that your wife get sick of alcohol too and that your marriage be healed.
Eauchiche is offline  
Old 03-16-2018, 06:00 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by ChucktownMC View Post
Can you please elaborate on enabling her by being there in ways I’m not aware of? That would be extemely helpful. Thank you!
One of the biggest things I did to enable my XAH was to keep his "secrets".... and I worked so hard at keeping up the appearances of the perfect little family. I didn't do that solely to protect him, although that was part of it, but I also had my own prideful(and codie) reasons for wanting everything to look perfect when it really was NOT. It was a very messy and unhealthy situation. It definitely was not honest.


Congrats on your sobriety, I have great respect for the addicts who do the hard work it takes to regain their health.
SmallButMighty is offline  
Old 03-16-2018, 06:14 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi there. Wow, you have a lot going on.

Congratulations on your own sobriety. Protect that at all costs.

Your wife clearly has a problem. Call it addiction, alcoholism, it really does not matter. What matters is her actions.

You call the things she is doing "slips." I would hedge to disagree as I am betting you only know the tip of the iceberg. My concern would definitely be for your children first. Their safety. Her drinking then picking him up from a lesson? Unacceptable. I know it may take some doing, but until she can prove herself sober, long term, I would not let her drive those children no matter what.

You cannot love her sober, nor can you be responsible for keeping her sober. The three C's are: You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. It's her decision. I would say to do what you have been doing, try to be open and honest with her, and step back and let her decide if she is going to be sober, or not. In the mean time, hope and pray for the best, prepare for the worst.

I say all of this kindly as I know it's painful. Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 03-16-2018, 11:14 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I mentioned that I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a divorce and is having a really tough time and before I could finish my sentence she asked "are you going to leave me." I am going overseas for business next week and asked our nanny if she could help watch the kids on Saturday night, spend the night and watch them on Sunday morning so my wife could have time to go to Meetings and Church without having to drag the kids around - that was my sole purpose. She accused me of having the nanny be here to watch over her to make sure she doesn't drink. That was 100% not my motive - I don't have the ability to be dishonest anymore. I simply told her "Ok, you figure out the help you need while I am gone - I am out of it." I just have the gut feeling that if I walk or separate it will be the lynch pin that makes her really hit her bottom.

These two defensive moves for me are major red flags. Thoughts?


For the most part when you are talking about giving ultimatums - I think we never know that the outcome will be. So really we have to make the decision based on our needs, and what we can live with. Every action has a reaction, and so we have to be willing to live with the consequences. There was also a thread on here the other day where we were talking about how family members often did give an ultimatum and it did spark their partner to begin on the process of change. So?

I have a couple questions. Why do you think your wife began to attend AA? Do you think its possible that her path to recovery may differ from yours? She may have a longer path, may need other treatment options? In your post , you kept using the term "alcoholic' and she keeps rejecting it after a bit. Is she required to take on a label? One thing Ive been told is if a person keeps doing the same thing over and over, with poor results, then maybe there needs to be a change in what they are doing.

This is a philosophy about recovery that I find helpful as a family member: try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try, SUCCEED!

But as family members sometimes the process is one we cant go through with them if its becoming harmful to us.
aliciagr is offline  
Old 03-16-2018, 11:47 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by ChucktownMC View Post
I just have the gut feeling that if I walk or separate it will be the lynch pin that makes her really hit her bottom.
What if it does Chuck?

What if you're keeping her from that bottom somehow by stepping in front of her consequences?

What if you're more worried about her "bottom" than she is?

What if you staying makes her bottom farther away, harder to reach & this progresses & keeps ramping up?

Where are your boundaries & limits with all of this? That's something no one here can tell you - that's the part you have to determine for yourself. We all have different levels of tolerance & acceptable behaviors.

Examples of doing for her in ways she can be doing for herself - tough, again it's individual. Are you taking on more of the household/financial burdens as a result of her drinking? Do you make excuses for her to the outside world to help keep her secret? Do you leave the kids in her care knowing there's potential for disaster, but just continually hope for the best? Are you funding her drinking? Are you cleaning up after it?
FireSprite is offline  
Old 03-16-2018, 12:05 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
This is a philosophy about recovery that I find helpful as a family member: try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try, SUCCEED!
Well, I keep trying to win the lottery & I'm not succeeding so I must be doing something wrong.

To me - this isn't a philosophy, it's Wishful Thinking. Yes - I hope I win the lottery, but I'm not quitting my job or living my life as though I already have.

Trying does not guarantee success. "Trying" in a situation with active addiction where you have no control over the other person's behaviors or mindset can leave you further enmeshed & acting as an apologist to their dysfunction because you're so invested in their success/failure.

Every SINGLE success story I've every read on the F&F side of things (here & otherwise) contained one very important component - the codependent person taking charge of their OWN recovery first & playing a very minor character part in their qualifier's recovery. Across. The. Board.
FireSprite is offline  
Old 03-16-2018, 01:33 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Well, I keep trying to win the lottery & I'm not succeeding so I must be doing something wrong.

To me - this isn't a philosophy, it's Wishful Thinking. Yes - I hope I win the lottery, but I'm not quitting my job or living my life as though I already have.

Trying does not guarantee success. "Trying" in a situation with active addiction where you have no control over the other person's behaviors or mindset can leave you further enmeshed & acting as an apologist to their dysfunction because you're so invested in their success/failure.

Every SINGLE success story I've every read on the F&F side of things (here & otherwise) contained one very important component - the codependent person taking charge of their OWN recovery first & playing a very minor character part in their qualifier's recovery. Across. The. Board.
ugg.

the comment that I made above:

One thing Ive been told is if a person keeps doing the same thing over and over, with poor results, then maybe there needs to be a change in what they are doing.

This is a philosophy about recovery that I find helpful as a family member: try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try,try, try, try, try, SUCCEED!
IS NOT ABOUT THE FAMILY MEMBER " TRYING" to help someone else who has an addiction. Nooooooo , not at all !

ITs about the PROCESS of RECOVERY from addictive substances, unhealthy habits, addictive behaviors for ANYONE. Yes, even us family members.

I feel the process is usually not so simple as I decide, I try to change, I succeed quickly. Sure it happens.. But more often than not its a matter of: I try, try, try, try, and during this process of trying I might seek out different resources for help if need be. I keep trying, and often that is when SUCCESS comes.

We as family members who deal with the symptoms of addiction, unacceptable behaviors in our partners. Even though "they" may be on the path to change, trying to change. We cant always continue to be part of it. It depends on how it affects us, depends on the severity of the problems.

For me its important to have a realistic view of how "change" happens in general.
aliciagr is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:30 AM.