ChucktownMC

Hey All,

First time posting in this forum specifically. Little background on me, my sobriety date is 10/10/2016. After a terrible career with alcohol and hitting my bottom I came in to the rooms of AA, got a sponsor and work a solid program to maintain my sobriety and spiritual condition. I have been married to my AW for 10 years and we have been together for 15 years. We met in college and partied for 14 of the 15 years together. Each enabling each other and digging ourselves deeper in to an alcoholic lifestyle. We have two boys together, 4 and 6. When I was actively drinking alcohol my wife was right there with me day in and day out - both everyday drinkers. I always laugh because I was such an alcoholic I was hiding my drinking from another alcoholic in the last year of my drinking.

When I decided to get sober, my wife continued to drink attempting to control it. I was confused on whether she was an A for the first 5 months of my sobriety. Honestly, only the alcoholic can diagnose themselves as alcoholic so I hesitate in calling her one in this thread but it's easiest to relay my message if I do.

While I was in AA my first 5 months she was going to al-anon and abusing alcohol on the side. She was admittedly waiting for any moment for me to get out of the house so she could drink and resenting me getting better. In February of 2017, I could tell her drinking was ramping up again. She had drank approximately 10-15 750's of vodka/tequila over 4-5 weeks. I came home from a work trip early one day to find her wasted on the couch and self conscious of what I walked in to. We went on a walk the next day and she broke down crying but didn't say anything - I just gave her a hug and told her I loved her. The next day I had the gut feeling that I had to say something. I relayed my experience with drinking and sobriety to her in hopes she would check out AA.

She came in to AA last March and picked up a white chip, got a sponsor and attempted to work the program. We were also jointly seeing a counselor who specializes in addiction. Around the 90th day of sobriety she was convinced she wasn't an alcoholic, met with the counselor and admittedly lied on a questionnaire he had her fill out about alcoholism, and said she wasn't an alcoholic but was going to abstain from drinking. She told me on day 90 that she didn't think she was an alcoholic but wasn't going to drink. 2 days later she dropped our son off at guitar lessons, went to a liquor store, bought a bottle of vodka and was drinking it in the front seat of her car in the parking lot. She continued to drink in hiding for 6 weeks, obsessing everyday and drinking everyday. I was blind to it and traveling again for work so who knows what it looked like behind my back.

She finally got depressed enough to come clean, kind of. She didn't tell me it was going on for 6 weeks until well after she picked up her second white chip. She played it off like it was a 1 day slip at first. She came clean with her sponsor too. She then went for another 90 days and slipped again, picked up a white chip. Then went another 20 something days and slipped on Cooking Vermouth and Cooking Sherry that was so old and in the back of the pantry which lead to buying a bottle of vodka. When she came clean about the Vermouth and Sherry she asked me to dump it out. I asked if there was anything else and she said, no. 12 days later she slipped again while her parents were in town for Christmas - on the same bottle of vodka she had left over that there was supposedly none left of when I asked.

She's now on day 77 again and she told me yesterday she is not convinced she's an alcoholic but isn't going to drink and will keep working with a sponsor and going to AA. To her credit, she told her sponsor she needs to go back to step 1 since she was going to do step 3 today. I see the same cycle happening - get to about 90 days, convince yourself you're not an alcoholic and slip again.

All the while over the last 8 months, her enabling parents - also alcohol abusers - have been in her ear telling her they don't think she's an alcoholic, doing everything they can to assassinate my character, etc.. She was raised in a home where the kind of drinking us alcoholics do just seems normal to her. There is a bright side of it though. My wife's younger sister, 12 years younger, lives near us and called me back in August one morning telling me she was really struggling with life and suicidal. She was abusing alcohol and pills. She came in to AA and has maintained her sobriety for nearly 8 months now and is doing so well.

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to feel. I talked to he last night and told her that I love her but I can't see myself living in a relationship with an active drinker for my life and that it's unhealthy for my maintaining both my sobriety and spiritual condition. She again replies well I'm not going to drink.....

I'm starting CODA next week and discussing with my sponsor and therapist. I'm afraid for her really because my experience drinking alcohol led me to knocking on deaths door, adding up my savings-retirement-assets etc. to figure out how long my family could live when I killed myself, dark desperate place. Thank god I walked in to AA - it saved my life.

I mentioned that I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a divorce and is having a really tough time and before I could finish my sentence she asked "are you going to leave me." I am going overseas for business next week and asked our nanny if she could help watch the kids on Saturday night, spend the night and watch them on Sunday morning so my wife could have time to go to Meetings and Church without having to drag the kids around - that was my sole purpose. She accused me of having the nanny be here to watch over her to make sure she doesn't drink. That was 100% not my motive - I don't have the ability to be dishonest anymore. I simply told her "Ok, you figure out the help you need while I am gone - I am out of it." I just have the gut feeling that if I walk or separate it will be the lynch pin that makes her really hit her bottom.

These two defensive moves for me are major red flags. Thoughts?

I feel for all the people on this forum having been an AH and understanding what this disease does to family members. It's an awful thing that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Apologies for the long rant but really just needed to get this off of my chest and get some support. Thank you all!