Welcome LG and rar! Is please to meet you and please tell me about you and how you are going?
You other Chuckleheads need to give me update too! Does not make me pull this car over!
I must say, it make me sad to look over and see date I join. Maybe LG can relate. Cuz I pretty much total hot mess at that time, and during all my 5,000 thread of Diary of A Mad Cow, and since time I leave. Which is lot of time.
Okay, here is little bit more my update: I blow into 2018 same per usual. Drinking, lying, manipulating, lying, performing, lying -you get gist. I in intensive therapy with great therapist, and also doing experimental drug protocol. But still pretty much caught in my decades long cycle of depression/anhedonia, coffee, mania, booze. Just a few week ago, I had coffee and drank BEFORE therapist came over at 1PM and then pretend to be sober (which I very good at). ...Is so many thing wrong with that sentence, where does one begin?!
Recently, I spend entire weekend using and binge watching current season of "My 600-lb Life." Is show about people who is literally eating them self to death. Is fascinating to me cuz they denials, reasons, avoidances, excuses and way they manipulate other is same as me. One episode 700 woman sneak bag of Dorito into hospital and then lie to doctor that it not hers --even though he just pull it out like smoking gun from between her fat rolls where it had get lodged. Easy to judge, until you remember, oh, yeah, wait, you not can stop your sh*t either, Cow!
Anyways, I knew I was in state of learn helplessness and had to demand better of self, but, you know, to anhedonic those can be just words, cuz is no will or motivation or excitement to compel you to live up to such words.
But, I make decision to start with action, and hope that feeling will follow. Maybe will, maybe won’t. But feelings is very fickle and maybe not ever be “right” for change to be made. For that matter, thoughts is very tricksy, too. I know what I need to do, so I just start to do it. I been upward trajectory since.