I had a feeling I wasn’t alone in feeling like I do. Thank all of you for sharing your lives and for passing along the advice and wisdom, as well as for sharing the equal parts confusion, love, wonder, and frustration. I feel and have felt pretty much everything you all are feeling. None of us are in this alone. ((Hug))
This feed is, beautifully, a lot to digest. For that I am grateful. I will re-read it tomorrow night to digest it further. One of the things that stands out is the phrase “you will know when you know.” Thank you for that. I do feel I need to give myself a bit more time to process all of this and work through my own thoughts and needs carefully and clearly before making a firm decision. I will give myself the gift of that time. So true that I am still new to my own recovery and so is AH. CW (codependent wife — ha ha) and AH deserve a little more time to see how things shake out.
There are days I just feel like, “but I have already given this man three YEARS and he STILL has no empathy!” I feel like Helen Hunt in the film “Something’s Gotta Give.” “I just want a NORMAL boyfriend!” Why am I wasting time? Time is prescious.
This blasted disease is just so annoying. Today AH said of all the things he misses most in rehab, he misses me the most. This, when literally five days ago he said he wouldn’t miss me at all in sober living. ???I have never been with an alcoholic before my husband, so I DO remember having rather more “regular,” relationships, and I have never had anyone say one thing one day and the complete opposite five days later. It’s SO frustrating!! I understand that in early recovery my AH’s brain is going nuts re-wiring itself. So maybe I need to give him more room and space to re-wire while I heal me. Re-wire me. Thanks for the “you’ll know when you know” suggestion.
The other thing that stands out is the idea that expectation can be a hiccup in these relationships (or any relationships). I don’t know. In theory I get that and I hear that in Al-Anon a lot. “Let go of expectation then you won’t be upset no matter what happens.”
But you know what? The social contract is BASED on expectation in my POV. The fact that I got a Master’s Degree is because my family expected of me, from school age on, to get a good education. Sometimes we thrive the most when someone expects the best from us. It can drive human beings to act, I believe. As a former teacher, I can’t imagine not having a set of expectations for each class I taught. Expectations drive structure and structure can drive progress. Or something like that.
We agree during marriage we will love and care for our spouse unconditionally in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc. Addiction turns this notion on its head because the non-addicted spouse is the primary caretaker, always the one picking up the slack, while the addict is off on their own journey living free of the feeling (the Expectation!) that they should be caring for, loving, honoring and respecting the person they married equally.
Then we who love addicts/alcoholics are left feeling depleted and devalued. Exhausted and confused. I honestly don’t believe that is what my higher power intended for me in marriage. Maybe for a season, but not for a lifetime. I don’t want a lifetime of
or :/ .
Anyway, it’s such a HELP to hear from you all. I’ll check back in with you to let you know how it’s going here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are all so courageous!