Dutchy36

I read your post and it really struck a cord as I've been doing my own healing since my husband came out of rehab almost 3 weeks ago.

Instead of coming back to me and his 3 daughters, he went to stay with his mum which I thought was going to temporary.....he is still there and has no intention of coming back as he doesn't know who he is or what he wants (he shouted at me today that there is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic) even though he is returning to work on Monday.

I've been in therapy myself for a few months over the 4 years of alcohol and emotional abusive hell and I've realised that we are basically living 2 completely separate lives.

He goes to AA every day, has his friends there for which he'd happily skip mother's day tomorrow as they go out for lunch together before the AA meeting. He is doing everything he can to stay sober but he is not checking in with me or asking after his children.

As he found out in Detox that he has basically been an addict since the age of 13 his development stalled at that time too which means I am dealing with a teenager who still has a lot of growing up to do even though he's got a really good job and we have 3 beautiful children.

I want to give him all the time he needs. Our daughter started school while he was in detox and I don't want to take her out 2 months later to move back to the Netherlands because I want to divorce him. He is really very committed to his sobriety but also very on edge, nervous, rapidly irritated and snappy. He comes to visit us 'to help me', I keep telling him I want him to come as part of the family not as help.

Before he went to rehab there was talk of more children and I've always known that my purpose in life is have children and I love it! Our youngest is 20 months and it will be the biggest gap we've ever had between babies by the time I will have another baby. I've actually gone as far as looking into sperm donors. I've had a conversation with my husband about this as I wanted to be honest about where I've gotten with my healing and my feelings (I do still hope things will work out but am fairly confident they will not) and I brought it up that I am ready and really wanting another child. My husband got upset when I was speaking about a sperm donor as he does want another child when/if things work out but I am asking myself how long I should keep waiting for him after I've done and tried everything to help him (codependency) and support him there for him knowing it wasn't good for the girls to be in a situation like that but I am loyal. I marry for good and for bad and I've weathered the bad but in a way the aftermath feels even worse.

Husband shows no emotion whatsoever, not even to the girls. He is busy with himself only and I think that will stay like this for a long time as he keeps saying he doesn't know who he is or what he wants.

So how long am I willing to give him? My broody person doesn't want to give him any time. My other person says maybe I should wait and see. Husband also doesn't want me to go back to the Netherlands. He wants us here but if a divorce (and sole custody) happens I will leave.

Sorry for the long rant. Your message is so similar to my situation and I feel undecided but also feel decided meaning I'm in turmoil as to what is best.

You know your husband best. I married mine 7 years ago, we are together for 10. It's a long time to let go and he wants to do couples counselling but didn't like the therapist he was set up with.

I will keep my eye out in this thread and hopefully I can benefit from some of the advice too.