My situation is different, but I would like to chime in because I can somewhat relate. I am still with AH but I'm "done".
I believe HP hit the nail on the head - "you'll know when you know"
"She also suggested I make a list of traits I want in a partner and be honest with myself about whether my spouse matches those traits. "
I did this about a year+ ago after what I would call a catalyst moment. I knew then how much I was missing and what I need and want that he could never be or do. I also know its difficult for me To be the me I want to be while in this relationship. I don't know if we were mismatched from the beginning, but we certainly are now.