Hi friends,
For the last 38 days, since my AH of 5 months went into IP treatment, you all, my therapist and Al-Anon have been saving my life! Thank you! I posted on here just about three or four weeks ago freaking out because my AH (we were then married only 3 months) had written me a letter from detox saying he was thinking of going into Sober Living after IP treatment for 6 months or more. I was asking you all how the frack a marriage is supposed to survive that amount of time apart, etc. You were so helpful!
I’m happy to report my perspective has totally changed. My AH seems to be doing as well as possible in IP and it’s been a miracle to see him sober for the first time since I’ve known him as well as to see him start to take responsibility for himself. In addition, the time my AH has been away, I view now as my OWN recovery time!
Wow— was I wrapped up in a codependent drama with my AH. I didn’t realize just how sick I myself had gotten from almost three years of being around him— and even having 38 days away from him— I still feel sick and like I’m detoxing from his disease. Even with exercise, friends, family, therapy, work, Al-Anon, etc. I am still more tired than normal and realize I’ve got depression from years of dealing with his outrageous behavior and emotional manipulation/abuse.
But at least these 38 days have given me a glimpse at getting my own health back as well as a sense of what I want in a marriage.
It’s sad to say, but I am contemplating divorce; EVEN though my AH is in IP now, has stayed there willingly for 38 days, and plans to go into sober housing for at least six months. At his expense (I refuse to enable by paying). And EVEN though my AH says he loves me and wants our marriage to work.
Why divorce? Well, now that I am “sober,” I am starting to realize I want more out of a husband than he is able to give me now or possibly ever. For example, the other day, I asked AH on the phone if he would miss me while he was in sober living. He literally said “no.” He went on to say he’d be busy in sober living and recovery is a selfish time blah blah blah but you know what? I want a husband who is emotionally capable of saying he will miss me while acknowledging his need for self care. I want a husband with empathy; which is sorely lacking in my AH.
Tonight on the phone he said in his spare time in Sober Living he’d go back to his IP apartments and visit with friends he had made there. What?!? In the one or two spare nights he’ll have in SL he doesn’t want to see his wife!? Take her on a date?
He’ll be going to AA and IOP meetings most nights and in the few he has free he doesn’t say “honey I cannot WAIT to take you out and see you again????”
I feel like I am just being taken for a ride by AH at this point. My intuition is telling me he used me as his economic enabler when he was drunk and now that he is clean he wants to keep me around as a handy trophy wife or fallback in case he needs something. I don’t feel genuine love coming from him at all. I feel manipulation. And I know he still lies because he told me his counselor in rehab called him out for lying on a few occasions. Yes, I know most of all alcoholics lie, too.
Anyone else been in this situation? For my own husband to say things like “No, I won’t miss you” and “In my spare time I’ll go see other people” but “I love you” at the end of a phone call just seems like a huge contradiction and I want more for myself than this kind of life!
I’m worthy of a husband who says he misses me and who wants to spend time with me. Period.
Anyone been at this crossroads? Or heard similar hurtful stuff from an alcoholic spouse in recovery? My therapist suggested I ask myself what I am really getting out of a marriage that’s going like this and my honest answer is not much.
She also suggested I make a list of traits I want in a partner and be honest with myself about whether my spouse matches those traits. Helpful.
While I am SO proud of my AH for his journey, and feel SO blessed to have been a part of it this far (how else would I have realized just how enabling and codependent and controlling I could be?) I just feel our journey together doesn’t serve me at all anymore. It drags me down. I miss JOY and light with a partner!
So I guess I’m just wondering how long I let this idea stick around in my head about divorce before I bring it up with my spouse? When is the right time to tell him I’m not happy with our relationship and I’m feeling disregarded and used? Maybe there isn’t a right time at all. Thanks for reading and for any ideas.
My thoughts keep leaning to “Let go and let God.” Also: “Girl! You deserve better!”