I've yet to find a resentment that's been hanging around for a while for any reason other than I DON'T want to let go of it. Now I may want to be free of the pain it's causing - that part I want to go away - but I haven't wanted to truly let go, ask God to remove it, mean what I said, and forgive. Deep down in all of us (well, in me for sure) there's a false ego / a false self wants to hold onto that dislike, that mistrust, that knowledge that I would never do such a thing. See, by holding on I can prove to myself that I'm better than them....and part of me feels good about that. My true and spiritual self though, feels the pain and wants it gone.
Unfortunately, I've handled a lot of resentments like I handled alcohol - by hoping the symptoms would go away without any work or willingness to change on my part. I want to keep on resenting AND not suffer the consequences.
Getting honest with myself, I find that I sometimes LIKE to dislike that person, that it makes me feel powerful, that I feel justified in it, that it helps me prove to myself that I'm better than them, that I feel some odd satisfaction in thinking of myself as a victim and that when it gets down to it......I want to continue to resent. That's what I find when I do an honest inventory so that's what I admit to myself, God, and another.
Glamorous? Nope.....sure isn't. Does it look like someone who's living a spiritual life? Sure doesn't. Is it a manner of living that yields good results? Hell no. Am I able to just drop it and move on? Well, maybe I haven't really ever been willing to drop it. Maybe I just say I want to drop it but my actions indicate I don't really want to. Maybe I lack the power to let go by myself and I need God's help to finally get free....... All of this looks confusing and I can give what I think are honest answers one day that change the next day and change again on the following one. Sure looks like I'll be needing God's direction, clarity and help..... so maybe I should focus on my relationship with Him and listen for that direction the He seems to be so good about sending to me.
That is the practice, for me, of steps 4-7. So far, and like I said at the beginning, the only ones still hanging around seem to be the ones I don't reeeeally want to let go of. And really, how could it be anything BUT that? I mean, is God suddenly unable to remove certain resentment?
