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Resentments killing me

Old 03-05-2018, 12:23 PM
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Sick n tired
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Resentments killing me

Right I have serious resentment that I can’t seem to shift. I’m praying done step 4 n 5 on it numerous times but it still like a monster in my head. I’m resentful about how I was treated by the father of my child but also have a deep resentment towards myself because I let myself be treated sooo badly. I have handed it over so many times but it’s now getting worse. This I used to drink on in the past. I just feel so much regret shame and loss of me after what went on v toxic abusive stuff. I have to get on with him now as we share care of our son. He still drinks but whilst he’s out there running off into the sunset after everything and I’m sat here full of resentment and I’m supposed to be the one in recovery🙏🏼 I even get on my sponsors nerves about it I’m sure it’s been going on years my obsessing about his / my behaviour and how bad things were. Just let go that’s all I want to do but it’s taking sooo long god
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:14 PM
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not preaching but this came to mind.. page 64.. keep digging inside and and find the cause and let it go.. easier said than done!! Sending prayers your way!


Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease!
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Old 03-06-2018, 04:16 AM
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I've heard it said that resentments are like me taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
it is a difficult situation for you, I think, because even if you let go, you are still living it on a daily basis.
However, I believe, you can start by getting rid of those deep resentments toward yourself, they turn to self pity which in turn leads us to the bottle.
Please get off self loathing and self hate first, you are already dealing with your problems by posting here, having a sponsor and in recovery.
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Old 03-06-2018, 04:43 AM
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I had a resentment like that one time. It happened in early sobriety. I was 13 stepped you see. Many complications arose from it which I found very hard to handle. Being the male, I got to know all about being powerless in some situations. She was making all these decisions over which I had no control, but that affected me. I tried my best to play along and do the right thing. It went something like this. After a few weeks she announces she is pregnant. A few days later she says she has a miscarriage. Then a few days later she kicks me out of the house. I get a little flat. Then she tells me she lied about the miscarriage and I will have to pay alimony and I can see it if I want. I am OK with that. Next thing I hear, she has had an abortion.

Man, I tried so hard to do the right things for the first time in my life. To be treated like this was such a kick in the teeth, and I was resentful. Praying for her brought no relief and I began to fear she may come between me and AA. I could not be in the same room as her.

My prayers were finally answered with the realisation that I had a big part in this whole sorry scene. I was a willing 13 step victim. I was in the relationship for entirely selfish reasons, mostly driven by instinct. There was no love involved, I was just fulfilling some weird idea in my head about how my life should be. The solution to the resentment was to make amends, which I did. I told her all this and asked her forgiveness, which she gave in a most patronising way. But it set me free. No resentment, no problem with her in the same room. And perhaps through those 4th step ideas a come to realise that she was spiritually sick and I understood what that meant.

For me it seems that endless prayer and/or fourth step analysis was not enough to heal the resentment. I had to take action and it was in the form of making amends for my part. That solution came not through analysis but through prayer and being willing to act.
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Old 03-06-2018, 11:22 AM
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Hedd I have no suggestions but I must say I got a lot out of gottalife's post, thanks for that share.
I was thinking lately about the small resentments I carry around about people who I believe are not doing the right thing. It's such a pain and I hate it and it seems I have little control over it but I suspect I do and taking the path of forgiveness towards them as Gottalife illustrated with his very insightful story is I know deep down I am reluctant to go.
I wish you all the best as Dave put it as our biggest obstacle. Thanks for posting.

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Old 03-06-2018, 09:16 PM
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I am going to elaborate a little bit around things I have learnt subsequently

I heard it said that "victims" don't recover. I now believe that to be true. In my own story above, God showed me what I needed to do in order to not be a victim, and I did it, and my recovery was unaffected.

You don't have to look very far on this forum to find victims of 13 stepping, or any other kind of abuse who are letting their "victimhood" be a barrier to their recovery. Many alcoholics use their sense of victimhood as an excuse to stay drunk.
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Old 03-07-2018, 01:36 PM
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"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
from the Story called 'freedom from bondage'

We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longerrunning the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

It works - it really does.

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.

But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead." The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve.

__________________________________________________ ____________________________________

I have handed it over so many times but it’s now getting worse
2 things may be happening:
1- you havent COMPLETELY handed it over- you are leaving claw marks in it( glad i never did that! )
2- you keep taking it back( glad i never did that! )


onto this:
. I just feel so much regret shame and loss of me after what went on v toxic abusive stuff.

hhhhmmm... the 9th step promises tell us we will not regret the past if we are pains- taking about THIS phase of our development.

maybe its time to revisit the steps?
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Old 03-07-2018, 01:38 PM
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p.s.
i dont think theres anywhere in the program that says,"just let go of resentments- thats how we recover."
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Old 03-08-2018, 06:39 AM
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I've yet to find a resentment that's been hanging around for a while for any reason other than I DON'T want to let go of it. Now I may want to be free of the pain it's causing - that part I want to go away - but I haven't wanted to truly let go, ask God to remove it, mean what I said, and forgive. Deep down in all of us (well, in me for sure) there's a false ego / a false self wants to hold onto that dislike, that mistrust, that knowledge that I would never do such a thing. See, by holding on I can prove to myself that I'm better than them....and part of me feels good about that. My true and spiritual self though, feels the pain and wants it gone.

Unfortunately, I've handled a lot of resentments like I handled alcohol - by hoping the symptoms would go away without any work or willingness to change on my part. I want to keep on resenting AND not suffer the consequences.

Getting honest with myself, I find that I sometimes LIKE to dislike that person, that it makes me feel powerful, that I feel justified in it, that it helps me prove to myself that I'm better than them, that I feel some odd satisfaction in thinking of myself as a victim and that when it gets down to it......I want to continue to resent. That's what I find when I do an honest inventory so that's what I admit to myself, God, and another.

Glamorous? Nope.....sure isn't. Does it look like someone who's living a spiritual life? Sure doesn't. Is it a manner of living that yields good results? Hell no. Am I able to just drop it and move on? Well, maybe I haven't really ever been willing to drop it. Maybe I just say I want to drop it but my actions indicate I don't really want to. Maybe I lack the power to let go by myself and I need God's help to finally get free....... All of this looks confusing and I can give what I think are honest answers one day that change the next day and change again on the following one. Sure looks like I'll be needing God's direction, clarity and help..... so maybe I should focus on my relationship with Him and listen for that direction the He seems to be so good about sending to me.

That is the practice, for me, of steps 4-7. So far, and like I said at the beginning, the only ones still hanging around seem to be the ones I don't reeeeally want to let go of. And really, how could it be anything BUT that? I mean, is God suddenly unable to remove certain resentment?
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Old 03-08-2018, 09:00 AM
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What works for me is recognizing that my resentments are basically nothing more than justifications for the value judgements I place on situations. As long as I place value judgements on situations, I will find it hard to practice acceptance; and it is in acceptance that I find serenity.

Acceptance for me is not about liking or disliking, it is about recognizing a situation as being exactly as it is before I leap into value judgements.

"Why is this idiot in front of me driving 35 when the speed limit is 55 and the sun is out and there is no snow or ice on the road!!!" is non-acceptance.

"How is this person in front of me driving. They are driving slowly" is acceptance.

I can make better, more sane decisions and be more serene, if I practice acceptance. Once I have acceptance, then I can place a value judgement on the situation. Then I can decide on a course of action.

Resentments block me from acceptance. When that happens, I need to back up
and lose the value judgement and recognize a situation for being exactly as it is, warts and all.
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