Originally Posted by
LostinLB 
He is going to AA and working the steps (presumably with a sponsor) that is all great and shows real progress and a willingness to face his issues.
You might find at some point he decides he is ready to quite the cigars as well. I hated when my ex would smoke, but it was far better than when he was using, so I just let it be. He never destroyed his life, our relationship and our finances with a cigarette addiction - he sure as heck did with drugs and alcohol.
Are you working on your own recovery? It seems you are a little over involved/judging his recovery - how fast/slow he is working the steps, that picking up this habit shows he isn't doing it right. Recovery is hard for them and us. Focusing on my own recovery is what helped me to let go of what he is doing and where he is at in his recovery. I just worry about where I am at and working on my own issues. It has released me from the burden of having to manage his life.
We are not together anymore, which helps as well, but I still think of him and how he is doing in his recovery as I still care deeply about him. I heard many times - work your recovery the way you want your A to work his. I have not worked the steps in Al-Anon, but it sounds like people in the program spend a LONG time on step 4.
Focusing on myself (al-anon, therapy, journaling, exercise) was the only way I was able to change and find happiness. I hope you are able to do the same. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
I take your points in there, I have to keep to my side of the road and he is. He is leaving a secure job to enter into a new start up company so I am a little concerned by that and where he is in his recovery. We have two college going kids dependent on us and I cannot do it alone financially. I guess this is what precipitated my questions. We are communicating well right now and I am listening to him, etc. We are talking about giving our marriage another go and working on it but I think it is a mistake because we both need to work on ourselves. Is it possible to be 'in' the marriage and still work individually.
This probably makes little sense, I know I am going around in circles here. For years I wanted him to see me, acknowledge we had a problem and needed counselling, therapy, etc. We did some of that and dropped out but the key problem was the drinking. Now it is out of the equation for now, there has been lots of damage and I don't know whether I want to work on it. Please give me a kick because I know this is the co-dependent looking at how it affects him and not me, about to acquiesce to his needs rather than my own
