Replacing one addiction with another

Old 03-02-2018, 01:05 AM
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Replacing one addiction with another

My AH is still going to AA but I am not sure how far he is progressing with the steps, he's been on step 4 for some time.
I note that he took up smoking cigars over a year ago and takes one almost every day. I don't know if I am off base but it seems he is replacing alcohol with smoking (mainly cigars but I have seen him with a cigarette at a friends house though he doesn't buy them). Smoking has fewer consequences for me obviously but for me it's an awful habit and I hate the smell and of course the potential health consequences.
I think he has an addictive personality and he says he needs something for his stress.
So am I right in saying that he is really a dry drunk atm, because if he was really digging deep into AA practices and working the steps he would not be doing this.
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Old 03-02-2018, 02:22 AM
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Good morning. I am in recovery and it is totally normal to replace one addiction with another in the beginning. Smoking a cigar is definitely a lot healthier than drinking and he is working the steps in aa which is awesome. I wouldn’t call him a dry drunk at all so maybe cut him some slack for a while. Getting sober is really tough 💕
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Old 03-02-2018, 04:51 AM
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I've known lots of people who smoke cigars, and they are not addicts. If he was chain-smoking them that would be one thing, but one a day doesn't seem extreme, at least to me. I'm sure recovery is difficult, at least he appears to be trying.
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:43 AM
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So am I right in saying that he is really a dry drunk atm, because if he was really digging deep into AA practices and working the steps he would not be doing this.
It's a pretty harsh judgement if he's going to AA. My first sponsor called it "trading up addictions" and it's very common for recovering alcoholics to seek other ways of relieving stress. Some get healthy addictions like fitness and become running fanatics. Thing is it takes a good deal of time (often years) for a program to kick in and real change to happen. Lots of people have difficulty with step four and it can take time. Alcoholics are addicts and of course have addictive thinking. Bill Wilson wrote that drinking is but a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Have you tried Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me, a solid recovery program that fosters changes in attitudes.

Regarding cigar smoking, I'm sure it's unpleasant to be around and you have rights as well. Perhaps ask him to avoid smoking at home? Big hug.
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Old 03-02-2018, 10:15 AM
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He is going to AA and working the steps (presumably with a sponsor) that is all great and shows real progress and a willingness to face his issues.

You might find at some point he decides he is ready to quite the cigars as well. I hated when my ex would smoke, but it was far better than when he was using, so I just let it be. He never destroyed his life, our relationship and our finances with a cigarette addiction - he sure as heck did with drugs and alcohol.

Are you working on your own recovery? It seems you are a little over involved/judging his recovery - how fast/slow he is working the steps, that picking up this habit shows he isn't doing it right. Recovery is hard for them and us. Focusing on my own recovery is what helped me to let go of what he is doing and where he is at in his recovery. I just worry about where I am at and working on my own issues. It has released me from the burden of having to manage his life.

We are not together anymore, which helps as well, but I still think of him and how he is doing in his recovery as I still care deeply about him. I heard many times - work your recovery the way you want your A to work his. I have not worked the steps in Al-Anon, but it sounds like people in the program spend a LONG time on step 4.

Focusing on myself (al-anon, therapy, journaling, exercise) was the only way I was able to change and find happiness. I hope you are able to do the same. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
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Old 03-02-2018, 10:29 AM
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I agree with others, the smoking is part of the addiction substitution, but it is far less damaging that the other option. Let him have his vice for the moment... once he gets to a strong place in his recovery, then maybe see if he would be willing to give it up or reduce it.
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Old 03-02-2018, 11:05 AM
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Very common to see droves of smokers and coffee drinkers standing outside of an AA meeting. When my qualifier had dry periods it was non-stop caffeine and cigarettes. The real battle is fixing the hole deep down inside, and while other stimulants are far less damaging than booze, there is still the same emptiness causing them to drink that must be repaired so life can be lived truly free. In the meantime, accept whatever he is enjoying in place of the disastrously harmful.
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Old 03-02-2018, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
It's a pretty harsh judgement if he's going to AA. My first sponsor called it "trading up addictions" and it's very common for recovering alcoholics to seek other ways of relieving stress. Some get healthy addictions like fitness and become running fanatics. Thing is it takes a good deal of time (often years) for a program to kick in and real change to happen. Lots of people have difficulty with step four and it can take time. Alcoholics are addicts and of course have addictive thinking. Bill Wilson wrote that drinking is but a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Have you tried Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me, a solid recovery program that fosters changes in attitudes.

Regarding cigar smoking, I'm sure it's unpleasant to be around and you have rights as well. Perhaps ask him to avoid smoking at home? Big hug.
Thank you to all of you but it is true I have to stop being judgemental (it cannot be easy for him). I don't have an al anon to go to in the country where I live, they only have AA (I guess its due to cultural reasons) but I am listening to you, Al anon materials, speakers, reading etc. Started on the steps alone (not ideal but will have to do). Yes I have asked him to smoke outside (which he does) and he is not chain smoking. I just find it strange as for many years he was so anti smoking.
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Old 03-02-2018, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by LostinLB View Post
He is going to AA and working the steps (presumably with a sponsor) that is all great and shows real progress and a willingness to face his issues.

You might find at some point he decides he is ready to quite the cigars as well. I hated when my ex would smoke, but it was far better than when he was using, so I just let it be. He never destroyed his life, our relationship and our finances with a cigarette addiction - he sure as heck did with drugs and alcohol.

Are you working on your own recovery? It seems you are a little over involved/judging his recovery - how fast/slow he is working the steps, that picking up this habit shows he isn't doing it right. Recovery is hard for them and us. Focusing on my own recovery is what helped me to let go of what he is doing and where he is at in his recovery. I just worry about where I am at and working on my own issues. It has released me from the burden of having to manage his life.

We are not together anymore, which helps as well, but I still think of him and how he is doing in his recovery as I still care deeply about him. I heard many times - work your recovery the way you want your A to work his. I have not worked the steps in Al-Anon, but it sounds like people in the program spend a LONG time on step 4.

Focusing on myself (al-anon, therapy, journaling, exercise) was the only way I was able to change and find happiness. I hope you are able to do the same. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
I take your points in there, I have to keep to my side of the road and he is. He is leaving a secure job to enter into a new start up company so I am a little concerned by that and where he is in his recovery. We have two college going kids dependent on us and I cannot do it alone financially. I guess this is what precipitated my questions. We are communicating well right now and I am listening to him, etc. We are talking about giving our marriage another go and working on it but I think it is a mistake because we both need to work on ourselves. Is it possible to be 'in' the marriage and still work individually.
This probably makes little sense, I know I am going around in circles here. For years I wanted him to see me, acknowledge we had a problem and needed counselling, therapy, etc. We did some of that and dropped out but the key problem was the drinking. Now it is out of the equation for now, there has been lots of damage and I don't know whether I want to work on it. Please give me a kick because I know this is the co-dependent looking at how it affects him and not me, about to acquiesce to his needs rather than my own
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