Having a very rough time..
i dont really know where to start. All i know Is, i am struggling. Basically, i fell in love with a guy who was using heroin but i honestly had no idea. Looking back, i can see there were red flags but i didnt even pay attention because love blinded me. I dont know why or how, but i loved him so deeply that it felt like we were meant for eachother. Soul mates. Anyways, i dont go into too much detail about the past, but i found out he was using because he started complaining his family was always accusing him of buying drugs. A light bulb went off in my head and all the sudden i realized there was a REAL reason HE HAS BRUISES AND MARKS ALL OVER HIS ARMS. I got him to admit the truth and i was devastated, in shock and extremely hurt. Mostly due to the fact he had been hiding it from me, the person he said he loved more than anything. I broke up with him because the trust was gone but i still loved him. Months have gone by since the breakup and we kept in touch. He says hes on methadone and clean, but i domt believe him because he still acts high and voice sounds out of it. Plus he never seems to sleep. Always messaging me at 3 am and all other odd hours. Basically, he has been manipulating me and pulling all sorts of guilt trips on me for not wanting to get back together until hes had more sober time and i feel he needs to focus on his sobriety a hundred percent. He is in no position to be in a relationship and he doesnt get It! He accuses me of not accepting him for him, and saying ive done nothing to show that I care. When here I have been crying over him almost every night and trying to support him. But he makes me feel like a horrible person for not wanting to be with him right now. I dont know why I can't get him out of my mind. It's like I can't turn my love off for him despite how heroin has been his main squeeze. I was the side bitch. And he hasnt made any effort, doesnt go to meetings and has no recovery program at all. I cut ties with him today after he told me im lying about caring for him. I said I will no longer be there for him then. I said it out of anger. Yet here I am, feeling guilty. But why??? I hate what he's done to me and I hate myself for caring. :'( and most of all, how do i accept that he may never get clean? He's a wonderful person under the addiction, but i nothing I say can make him be himself again... I'm just torn and heart broken. And tired of being manipulated