Having a very rough time..

Old 02-23-2018, 12:20 AM
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Having a very rough time..

i dont really know where to start. All i know Is, i am struggling. Basically, i fell in love with a guy who was using heroin but i honestly had no idea. Looking back, i can see there were red flags but i didnt even pay attention because love blinded me. I dont know why or how, but i loved him so deeply that it felt like we were meant for eachother. Soul mates. Anyways, i dont go into too much detail about the past, but i found out he was using because he started complaining his family was always accusing him of buying drugs. A light bulb went off in my head and all the sudden i realized there was a REAL reason HE HAS BRUISES AND MARKS ALL OVER HIS ARMS. I got him to admit the truth and i was devastated, in shock and extremely hurt. Mostly due to the fact he had been hiding it from me, the person he said he loved more than anything. I broke up with him because the trust was gone but i still loved him. Months have gone by since the breakup and we kept in touch. He says hes on methadone and clean, but i domt believe him because he still acts high and voice sounds out of it. Plus he never seems to sleep. Always messaging me at 3 am and all other odd hours. Basically, he has been manipulating me and pulling all sorts of guilt trips on me for not wanting to get back together until hes had more sober time and i feel he needs to focus on his sobriety a hundred percent. He is in no position to be in a relationship and he doesnt get It! He accuses me of not accepting him for him, and saying ive done nothing to show that I care. When here I have been crying over him almost every night and trying to support him. But he makes me feel like a horrible person for not wanting to be with him right now. I dont know why I can't get him out of my mind. It's like I can't turn my love off for him despite how heroin has been his main squeeze. I was the side bitch. And he hasnt made any effort, doesnt go to meetings and has no recovery program at all. I cut ties with him today after he told me im lying about caring for him. I said I will no longer be there for him then. I said it out of anger. Yet here I am, feeling guilty. But why??? I hate what he's done to me and I hate myself for caring. :'( and most of all, how do i accept that he may never get clean? He's a wonderful person under the addiction, but i nothing I say can make him be himself again... I'm just torn and heart broken. And tired of being manipulated
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Old 02-23-2018, 08:44 AM
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Good for you... try not to feel guilty.. this is what addicts excel at... throwing back blame and guilt on the innocent party. Going no contact may be the best option for you to start moving forward.
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Old 02-23-2018, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Spence7471 View Post
Good for you... try not to feel guilty.. this is what addicts excel at... throwing back blame and guilt on the innocent party. Going no contact may be the best option for you to start moving forward.
Thank you. It just blows my mind how selfish he has became. If he doesnt get what he wants right away he throws a huge fit. It's like he doesnt see me as a person anymore and it makes me sad.
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Old 02-23-2018, 11:30 AM
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Hi, Rpb.
Welcome.
If you read around the friends and Family ly forums, you will see similar stories to yours.
Often heard from the addict:”
This is who I am. Why can’t you accept that?
You have done nothing to help me get better.
Why can’t you accept me?
I need you to help me get sober.
I miss you.
I love you.
Basically, he is blowing smoke, as all addicts do when it looks like their loved one is moving on.
Let him go. Don’t feel guilty. He has made his choices.
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Old 02-23-2018, 01:11 PM
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Hi

If when you met him, he was already a heroine addict, you only know the addict - you don't know the real person at all. I only knew her as an addict. I never knew the real person.

I've read that for heroine addicts emotional growth stops at the point when addiction sets in. Emotional growth can only begin again after they are totally clean for a good period of time. Long term heroine addicts can be very immature.

Heroine addiction is very progressive & destructive.

I am sorry for your situation.
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Old 02-23-2018, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Rpb1993 View Post
Thank you. It just blows my mind how selfish he has became. If he doesnt get what he wants right away he throws a huge fit. It's like he doesnt see me as a person anymore and it makes me sad.
Most addicts will not see the ones they love as people... rather a tool... to be used and manipulated to get what they want. They are often emotionally unavailable except for the purpose of manipulation. It is only once they become clean that they (may) feel remorse and guilt and shame for their past actions...
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Hi, Rpb.
Welcome.
If you read around the friends and Family ly forums, you will see similar stories to yours.
Often heard from the addict:”
This is who I am. Why can’t you accept that?
You have done nothing to help me get better.
Why can’t you accept me?
I need you to help me get sober.
I miss you.
I love you.
Basically, he is blowing smoke, as all addicts do when it looks like their loved one is moving on.
Let him go. Don’t feel guilty. He has made his choices.
Yes! He's completely drained me. I have nothing more to give him. He doesnt respect my boundaries at all. I am so glad i found this website and forum. My family and friends hate me bringing him up because they resent him for how hes treated me. The crazy part is, he has put all blame on me and made ME feel like the ****** up person. When he has been the one who has been lying, and emotional abusing everyone that cares for him. Feels so good to vent to people that understand.
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Hi

If when you met him, he was already a heroine addict, you only know the addict - you don't know the real person at all. I only knew her as an addict. I never knew the real person.

I've read that for heroine addicts emotional growth stops at the point when addiction sets in. Emotional growth can only begin again after they are totally clean for a good period of time. Long term heroine addicts can be very immature.

Heroine addiction is very progressive & destructive.

I am sorry for your situation.
This is the honest sad truth. It's something I was in denial about, but i needed to hear this. Thank you. It's like he cant be reasoned with, and all he feels towards everyone is hate. If things don't go his way immediately he just blows up and won't listen to anyone. And it's not going to change unless he is clean for a long time...
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Old 02-23-2018, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Spence7471 View Post
Most addicts will not see the ones they love as people... rather a tool... to be used and manipulated to get what they want. They are often emotionally unavailable except for the purpose of manipulation. It is only once they become clean that they (may) feel remorse and guilt and shame for their past actions...
So true. It hurts me knowing i counted on him for genuine love and support, but all along I was just a tool to be used. Reading other forums and getting advice on here has been helping me heal tremendously.
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