New Here
Hello,
I'm new here. I've been reading the forums here and there and finally decided the extra motivation from actually posting might do me some good.
I'm not an every day drinker, or even every week - recently I enjoyed four wonderful months of sobriety. However, since then I've had three incidents with binge drinking, which tends to be my issue. My pattern in the past has generally been about once every two weeks or so. I have similar reasons as everyone else, an extremely stressful job, underlying depression, social anxiety and a family history of alcoholism..
I know I need to abstain entirely, because I simply cannot control how much I drink when I do. I've already got other tools I use to help myself - I've been a competitive runner for years, and I go to the gym about five days a week. I've been working on meditation as another means to curb the anxiety, but so far it hasn't stuck.
Before my most recent binge, I began to feel immensely anxious, because i guess I knew what was going to happen, but I did it anyway. I can't even explain my rationale because I don't know that I had one. I woke up at a friend's house after being blackout for several hours, my heart racing, my stomach turning. I've been living with the guilt for several days. How can I continue to do this to my body that I love so much?
I've also been having trouble finding supportive friends. I mentioned the four months I had of sobriety.. before that, I made the conscious decision to remain abstinent and even went to the trouble of telling some friends that I think I have a problem. I told them I understand if they want to continue to drink but that I would not be putting myself in those situations for a while. Four months later a friend of mine wanted to "catch up". She was one of the first friends I told about my intention to be sober. She asked me to meet her at a bar, which, at that point I had been to bars and just had snacks and non-alcoholic drinks. But when I got there, it was one of the only bars in this city that does not serve food... I sat with her for a while watching her drink her beer and eventually caved. Thus began my shameful cycle once again.
I really want to stop entirely. I know I have it in me, I just feel so alone in this. No one else seems to think I have a problem, or if they do, like my partner, they can't understand why I have to stop entirely.
Thanks for reading this, it makes me feel a little less alone just to get this out there.