Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz

I've been doing okay, I think. No new contact since I went "no contact" months ago. For those of you who don't know my story: my husband is an addict, he was an alcoholic, never really quit drinking, but relapsed from his attempt to stop drinking onto pot and then synthetic drugs. We were separated due to him being violent. It was not an easy separation, not something we agreed to do. It was something I felt forced to do for my safety and he felt forced to comply with. It's been months since I've seen him, which is both good and bad. Good because I can't deal with the stress he brings to my life anymore -- it was killing my health. Bad because... I still have feelings, and I still wonder if he's okay... and I am not sure what my feelings are: sadness, anger, regret, resentment, relief (at being free), and a horrible sense of loss of so many years of life. This past week, I celebrated Valentine's day by myself and in my head, I kept thinking: happy Valentine's day Mr. Okatz, wherever you are, you poor ******.

You know how the steps encourage you to be at peace with things, to accept things, to be free of anger? I'm bad at instructions. I can improvise solutions... but instructions always get recycled along with the packaging.

I've noticed that things are not as "normal" as I would like them to be. I still have trouble watching movies that portray couples, families, or too much violence (I can watch satirical violence, but action or horror films are out of the question now). I sometimes really don't want to get out of bed, still. It's funny how empty life is without someone to constantly worry about... it's like I'm... empty, physically empty -- like there's a big hole in my chest. My whole life was full of my qualifier, back when we were together, that now that he's gone, my life is totally empty... blank... ! It's scary and lonely... and really depressing.

I've been seeing a counselor who counsels family affected by addiction violence (after the separation, for the first time, I started seeing a counselor who wasn't also counseling my AH either directly or indirectly... so this is for me, finally). She said: live your best life, you should be really happy that you don't have children, children are difficult.

I really have a hard time with the "be happy you don't have children" part. Invariably, the people who tell me this are always people who have toddlers... . I am glad I didn't have children with AH, but I am not glad that I didn't have children with anyone ever... and I am unlikely to ever have them (too old). I wonder how many losses I have to grieve before I'm "normal" again... and how long does this lonely, stressful, energy-sucking process last? My hair is falling out. I'm taking a truck load of vitamins, eating fruit, and I still feel like a balding sack of rocks (not that rocks have hair anyway).

Anyone who has gone through this... can you tell me how long it was before things became... happy/normal/stable (I can't find the right word)? What did you do that was really helpful for your physical health?