OpheliaKatz

I've been doing okay, I think. No new contact since I went "no contact" months ago. For those of you who don't know my story: my husband is an addict, he was an alcoholic, never really quit drinking, but relapsed from his attempt to stop drinking onto pot and then synthetic drugs. We were separated due to him being violent. It was not an easy separation, not something we agreed to do. It was something I felt forced to do for my safety and he felt forced to comply with. It's been months since I've seen him, which is both good and bad. Good because I can't deal with the stress he brings to my life anymore -- it was killing my health. Bad because... I still have feelings, and I still wonder if he's okay... and I am not sure what my feelings are: sadness, anger, regret, resentment, relief (at being free), and a horrible sense of loss of so many years of life. This past week, I celebrated Valentine's day by myself and in my head, I kept thinking: happy Valentine's day Mr. Okatz, wherever you are, you poor ******.

You know how the steps encourage you to be at peace with things, to accept things, to be free of anger? I'm bad at instructions. I can improvise solutions... but instructions always get recycled along with the packaging.

I've noticed that things are not as "normal" as I would like them to be. I still have trouble watching movies that portray couples, families, or too much violence (I can watch satirical violence, but action or horror films are out of the question now). I sometimes really don't want to get out of bed, still. It's funny how empty life is without someone to constantly worry about... it's like I'm... empty, physically empty -- like there's a big hole in my chest. My whole life was full of my qualifier, back when we were together, that now that he's gone, my life is totally empty... blank... ! It's scary and lonely... and really depressing.

I've been seeing a counselor who counsels family affected by addiction violence (after the separation, for the first time, I started seeing a counselor who wasn't also counseling my AH either directly or indirectly... so this is for me, finally). She said: live your best life, you should be really happy that you don't have children, children are difficult.

I really have a hard time with the "be happy you don't have children" part. Invariably, the people who tell me this are always people who have toddlers... . I am glad I didn't have children with AH, but I am not glad that I didn't have children with anyone ever... and I am unlikely to ever have them (too old). I wonder how many losses I have to grieve before I'm "normal" again... and how long does this lonely, stressful, energy-sucking process last? My hair is falling out. I'm taking a truck load of vitamins, eating fruit, and I still feel like a balding sack of rocks (not that rocks have hair anyway).

Anyone who has gone through this... can you tell me how long it was before things became... happy/normal/stable (I can't find the right word)? What did you do that was really helpful for your physical health?

SparkleKitty

How long does it take?

Longer than we hope, not as a long as we fear.

Taking care of yourself, staying present and mindful and open, these things facilitate healing, but it still just takes as long as it takes. And don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be happy about, as that tends to make us feel like we're wrong to grieve something we lost or never have, and we're not.

As for what I did to get through this process, the big things for me were: 1) therapy, 2) spending time with healthy people who genuinely like me, and 3) following my bliss -- eventually I turned the pain of my recovery into a novel, and just the act of engaging in an art that I could lose myself in did wonders for my mental, physical, and emotional health. It energized me and gave me confidence, both of which made everything else easier.

Bekindalways

OC man oh man do I rememeber the hole in my chest; it felt about 10 feet in diameter which was weird as I'm only 5'4".

Anytime someone puts "should" next to an emotion, I feel like they live in some fairytale reality. We feel what we feel even when these emotions are ugly and inconvenient. You might look for another counselor.

Below is The Guesthouse which we post here on occasion:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


The other book that is good for grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is an easy read. It doesn't lecture nor explain grief but rather takes you by the hand and bawls it's head off with you (snotty nose blowing include)

Hang tough lady. This is not easy and definitely will take longer than you want it to.

LifeRecovery

My name is LifeRecovery on this sight because by the time I had arrived I realized that I was recovering from more than just the relationship that got me here.

I was in recovery for my own addiction, when I met, loved and married a problem drinker.

The further I got into my healing though the more I realized that I had a lot more to heal from. That relationship is what cracked me open to allow all the bad stuff out and I had to let it out before it could be stitched back up.....if I did not I would be stitching back together an infected wound which would never heal.

I have been out of survival mode from healing for some time now but I am still challenged about the thriving portion of my life. I suspect I need to give myself permission to feel good!

I found in the early days that I had a tendency to beat myself up and shame myself because I was not further along.

I never improved through this shame, only through self-love could I make the modifications I needed.

The other thing that I can only see in retrospect was when I was in it I could not see the forest for the trees. I was working so hard and feeling so much that I could not see how much better I was becoming.

NYCDoglvr

I read a helpful article about grief that said focusing on the times that were good slows down the process. It's essentially feeding the addiction. Better to stay focused on why you left. When resentments resurface I ask "What's MY part in this?" Nothing relieves resentment faster than taking responsibility for my own faults.

Sailorgirl57

I can tell you how NOT to heal: don’t go into another relationship until you are 100% ready. I did this a couple of times. Left an ABF for...wait for it...ANOTHER ABF! Sort of like detoxing off one drug, then switching to s different drug. OpheliaKatz, you are a smart, strong, amazing woman, and with enough time and space you will heal. Love and hugs.

Re: hair loss? What helped me was massaging scalp with caster oil before bed, using Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, and B complex vitamins and Biotin supplements. Also read IT STARTS WITH FOOD for more info on nutrition and health. Changed my life!!!

OpheliaKatz

Yes, this is a common, quite reasonable thing that people think to ask when a relationship breaks down; because divorce is a two-person job. And I used to think that... but not anymore. I don't know if I will change my mind after enough time has passed.

I wish I could say this helps but there was so much manipulation and abuse in the relationship that if I say any part of why I am traumatized now is my fault, I would be currently doing myself a huge disservice. I was probably way too nice to him, too generous, too forgiving. However... every time I tried having boundaries for myself... like opting not to interact with him when he was high, I would pay the price when he became abusive later because I "ignored" him (and I did tell him that I needed those boundaries for me not him.) Every time I tried to leave he would have an "accidental" overdose so I had to stay to save him.

If I had a fault it was that I cared about if he lived or died... and the last thing I did in the relationship -- allowed him to experience the full consequences of his choices by removing myself completely (even if this is not what he wanted, and he worked really hard to get what he wanted) -- was also because I wanted him to live. And that is when the abuse really escalated -- when I tried to leave for my own safety.

I am trying to use the anger to propel myself forward. If I ask myself what my "part" was... I would be looking back. I want to leave the past where it belongs. I have learned my lesson though: never again will I ever be in any relationship with a human being who won't help themselves.

It doesn't mean that this hole isn't there... I feel pity for the things he believes; I feel grief for the loss of time. I also know that's my problem and none of his business. He can smoke his god. I can pray to mine. :-(

OpheliaKatz

Is this... greasy? Do you need to wear a hat to bed to keep it contained? I am not sure my hot flashes can deal with anymore bed-time clothing. Sorry TMI.

OpheliaKatz

I think I agree with that. I can't afford to be sentimental. I am actually quite sentimental sometimes.

OpheliaKatz

G-d no. No more counselor hopping. This is worse than shoe-shopping. I think I just need to disagree more in session. If they say X then I should say, "no, because of Y, X makes me feel like this or that... therefore, I disagree." Or just take what I need and leave the rest. Going to counseling always feel like ripping off a band-aid. I always feel slightly agitated afterwards, maybe because I'm processing memories or something. I really hope I'm not still seeing a therapist by the middle of this year. Although... maybe I'm crazier than I think I am.

OpheliaKatz

Ok... I'm trying something new. I'm going to do at least 5 minutes of exercise every morning for a week... and next week try to see if it becomes 10 minutes... and maybe do that until it becomes 30 minutes of exercise every morning. I need to feel better physically because my health is really affecting my mood right now. I'm also going to clean up my diet... I'm going to start small: eat less sugar. I'm also going to get rid of anything that makes me look like Baby Jane Hudson cause I just have too much grey hair to... pretend it's not happening.

That's it. If I post on here and you people notice that I've been eating junk and I happen to say that I'm being a slug, please remind me to stop being a junky slug.

ScaryTime

Good for you! That was actually going to be my recommendation is to exercise. I joined a fit body boot camp (due to temp insanity I think!) But I am down 11 pounds and I have been eating so much better and am finding I am feeling so much better and am getting better in every part of my life.
Oh, I still live with my (recovering) AH and am pretty sure we will see an end to the marriage but I am waiting till August to actually make a final, final decision. If he was active in his addiction it would be a different story.
Anyway, focusing completely on me has really helped my outlook, and like you I never had children of my own and now I am too old... but I have three beautiful step children and three beautiful grandbabies! I am hopeful that if the marriage ends I will still have a relationship with all of them, however have finally gotten to a place that I need to take care of me and my journey in life.
Hang in there, it does get better, but you have to take the steps to make it so. And a pity party now and again is ok too! Hugs to you!

LifeRecovery

Gently

This statement would have set me up. So what if you need support six months down the road? I only think it is crazy if you stop going because of some outside time parametar

Counseling stopped becoming because I was broken and started to be about how to get my needs met in a healthy way.

It takes what it takes.

The insidious nature of how I chopped myself out at the knees was really hard to see for a long time.

Clover71

Lol. Amen sister.
I do agree though that the "should" comments sometimes make my hair stand up. I would keep a watch for anymore of that



I haven't been to counseling in awhile, but when I did go I always felt like I was sitting in the principals office. I tried to be open to what she said, but I was reluctant to disagree. That's completely my fault, but that "relationship" made it be not as helpful I think. I have grown a lot since then, and I'm more apt to let my feelings be known instead of stuffing them to avoid confrontation. Maybe it will be better next time.



I'm sure you're not "crazy" . I'm a bit but not *******, at least I hope

Smarie78

I so empathize with your feelings and just letting you know we are here and to hang on. It’s much harder than thought. When I saw my therapist last week she explained to me that “this is grief”. The emptiness, depression, loneliness. It doesn’t matter that the relationship was toxic. It doesn’t mean you should feel great detoxing from the madness. Expelling it from your life seems like it should feel amazing, but it doesn’t right now and that is normal. Grief is grief and you my friend, are grieving. The most important part is allow yourself to grieve openly, to feel miserably and to let the pain make its way through. It will expel in time, but trauma takes a while. It’s not like because he is gone he took the pain with him. Now it’s a new kind of pain. A foreign one. One you will have to continue and process. Just take good care of yourself so as to prevent any depression that could develop long term. It’s okay to feel awful right now. It does get better I know it does. Just not today. And that’s perfectly okay.

OpheliaKatz

It's because of all the gas-lighting. That's why I feel crazy.

Some of the conversations went something like this:

Me: What's that?
AH: What?
Me: You bought more drugs?
AH: No, what are you talking about?
Me: That. You're holding it. It's right there.
AH: I'm not holding anything.
Me: I can see it. Right there. We have an honesty policy remember?
AH: Oh this? I don't know what this is, it's not mine.
Me: Then why are you holding it?
AH: Maybe someone put it in my bag by mistake.

firebolt

Oh that stuff would make a saint crazy!!

I want to cheer you on on the exercise and cleaner eating plan. I get down in the dumps here and there - and getting into a routine of exercise, healthier eating, vitamins, and SUNLIGHT snaps me right out of it. It's the one foot in front of the other to do it when you don't want to thats the hard part. You can do it! You deserve it! and you are motivating me to get back to it too - THANK YOU!

Smarie78

Oh my how I relate. My last interaction with him before he went on a bender was this;

Me: Why did you bring this bottle of wine into my house and drink it?
Him: What are you talking about?
Me: This one I am holding that I've never seen before
Him: You're fishing. That isn't mine. I don't even drink wine when I am drinking. Here! *blows hard in my face* "SEE?! SMELL ANYTHING?!" YOU ARE REACHING!
Me: *thinks in my head*...is it mine? did I forget? no, it's not but..is it? no. I didn't buy this. never seen it before.
Me: Also, what are all these condoms doing in your bag?
Him: Huh? Those are not mine. They gave them out at my AA meeting encouraging safe sex.
Me: You need to leave
Him: You are making excuses just to get rid of me like you have been wanting to do all along! Fine I will leave! This is your plan! I hope he was worth it *wink*I can't believe you. Have fun on your d** journey!

Yeah.

OpheliaKatz

Smarie. Oh my. Sounds like a conversation I used to have. "You're making excuses to get rid of me..." etc... "you're being cruel"... etc... "you're accusing me of things"... etc... . I asked why he emptied out the bank account, and he said, "to buy coffee". I thought, wow... is this coffee made of... diamonds? Because that's a lot of money to spend on coffee. The worst things he said were things like: "Person X is a deceitful, manipulative, bi-polar, nut-job. I only hit her in self-defense because she was yelling at me". Etc... .

Smarie78

Isn't it insane?! It truly felt like dealing with a little boy. "no darling, I don't have some master plan to ruin your life or sleep with someone else. I am asking you to leave because YOU have a master plan to ruin your life while sleeping with someone else!"