I still want to live a life believing, and having faith and hope.
you can. but WE enter dangerous territory when WE place our hope and faith in another faulty human and expect THEM to meet our expectations and make everything ok.
remember you yourself took to some serious drinking as a way to mitigate your own pain. this entire 18 month relationship has been fraught with problems, most of them on his side....multiple rehabs and whatever, now i'm drunk, now i'm sober, now i like you, now i don't.
NOBODY deserves that kind of chaos just to try and keep one person that we have deemed OURS chained to the radiator. we don't OWN others. we don't get to pick and say yup YOU ARE NOW MINE and then expect them to conform to the ideas we harbor of what THEY should be like.
the BEST thing you can do is learn to let go. learn to get thru a break up, in one piece. learn how to not get in so deep with someone that you feel you can't breathe unless you hear from them every three hours. learn what trustworthy LOOKS like. learn what calm stability LOOKS like. steer clear of trouble.