I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED BUT A WHOLE PARAGRAPH WAS LEFT OFF MY POST WHICH CAUSES IT TO MAKE NO SENSE AND I AM NOT ABLE TO DELETE IT. HERE IS WHAT I ORIGINALLY MEANT TO POST:
A few of you may know a bit about my story thru a couple of other threads I've shared over the past few days, this hurt I've been going thru with an A boyfriend, the ups and downs over the past 1 1/2 years, me trying to be there by his side the entire time trying to keep an open heart, trying to be gentle, kind and supportive because I know he's just "sick". Being pushed away in the end when he went into sober living; him coming back to let me know he loves me, he's just overwhelmed, all over the place and just needs time.
Had a bit of a A-HA moment today. After attending my first Al-Anon meeting I was feeling bad/emotional and didn't want to come home and be alone so went to a restaurant to have lunch and read and/or listen to Melody Beattie books. While sitting there I got a call from an old high school friend who is a recovering alcoholic himself. We talked for an hour, he listened, talked, tried to say what he could to help me understand. I was feeling confused, emotional and upset about all of this more than ever. Told him I had to go before I completely melted down there in the middle of the restaurant.
I came home and got online to check all of the responses and wonderful feedback you all have left (which I am truly grateful for). At the same time I decided to check Facebook, and looked at his page. Saw he had recently been online and changed his cover photo to a photo of him singing on stage (a great photo actually, he used to sing in a band) and he added a few friends as well. Some I'm sure he's met while living his new life, some not. The "female friends" all have their Double D's out front and center with the sexiest of pics. Nothing new to me, he's done this in the past when we were together and I've ignored this in the past. But one time after a split and him coming back and wanting to get together again I called him out on it. He said he was just "making friends". I told him my trust was not going to be earned back by him making friends with every woman out there who looks like a amateur porn star. He acknowledged and apologized and admitted to me that the only reason he did this was to hurt me when he was angry with me. It mostly stopped after that tho every now and again a few of the female "friends" would trickle in. When he went into sober living one day while talking on the phone while he was explaining his life to me he made a point of telling me he's not on social media, he's not online and he's not online doing the things he was doing in the past. Was very happy he brought this up and made a point of telling me, he's owning up.
Sorry for the ramble but my point is my A-HA moment was when I saw that it made me angry. Not a flip-out crazy upset crying hysterical angry, but angry just enough to make me ask myself "Seriously, WTF am I doing??". Why am I crying, crying this much and letting myself feel so broken and shattered over this guy still doing the same things he's done before? And even now lying to me about it? When I spoke with him according to him he has no time for anything especially like that because he is in such a "strict intensive therapy". This guy who made a point of HIM TELLING ME not more than two weeks ago he wasn't doing something that he still is.
As minor and petty this FB thing may seem, it was a slap in the face. Maybe the slap in the face I needed because I'm not crying anymore. I know he's mostly watched, and busy and tied up, and being held accountable for his every move while in sober living, but when he's not? When he's not being watched is he concerned with me? Is he experiencing this type of pain about me? When not in his "strict intensive therapy" is he shedding tears about me? Other times he was away in detox or rehab he would tell me he would. For some reason this time I don't think he is ... he's instead perusing other women on FB. The prior times in detox and rehab they took his phone away so he couldn't.
Even tho I feel because of this FB thing that the tears are off for now, and I know I'll still have the extremely emotional sad depressed moments, I'm going to keep working on making me better, reading, looking more into Al-Anon, AA, private counseling, just trying the best I can to educate myself to understand. I'll pray for him but there's nothing I can do to change this. I always want to believe love conquers all and I want to believe in "hope" but this time I must take the loss.