No More Tears - I Must Be Done

Old 02-10-2018, 06:40 PM
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No More Tears - I Must Be Done

A few of you may know a bit about my story thru a couple of other threads I've shared over the past few days, this hurt I've been going thru with an A boyfriend, the ups and downs over the past 1 1/2 years, me trying to be there by his side the entire time trying to keep an open heart, trying to be gentle, kind and supportive because I know he's just "sick". Being pushed away in the end when he went into sober living; him coming back to let me know he loves me, he's just overwhelmed, all over the place and just needs time.

Had a bit of a A-HA moment today. After attending my first Al-Anon meeting I was feeling bad/emotional and didn't want to come home and be alone so went to a restaurant to have lunch and read and/or listen to Melody Beattie books. While sitting there I got a call from an old high school friend who is a recovering alcoholic himself. We talked for an hour, he listened, talked, tried to say what he could to help me understand. I was feeling confused, emotional and upset about all of this more than ever. Told him I had to go before I completely melted down there in the middle of the restaurant.

Sorry for the ramble but my point is my A-HA moment was when I saw that it made me angry. Not a flip-out crazy upset crying hysterical angry, but angry just enough to make me ask myself "Seriously, WTF am I doing??". Why am I crying, crying this much and letting myself feel so broken and shattered over this guy still doing the same things he's done before? And even now lying to me about it? When I spoke with him according to him he has no time for anything especially like that because he is in such a "strict intensive therapy". This guy who made a point of HIM TELLING ME not more than two weeks ago he wasn't doing something that he still is.

As minor and petty this FB thing may seem, it was a slap in the face. Maybe the slap in the face I needed because I'm not crying anymore. I know he's mostly watched, and busy and tied up, and being held accountable for his every move while in sober living, but when he's not? When he's not being watched is he concerned with me? Is he experiencing this type of pain about me? When not in his "strict intensive therapy" is he shedding tears about me? Other times he was away in detox or rehab he would tell me he would. For some reason this time I don't think he is ... he's instead perusing other women on FB. The prior times in detox and rehab they took his phone away so he couldn't.

Even tho I feel because of this FB thing that the tears are off for now, and I know I'll still have the extremely emotional sad depressed moments, I'm going to keep working on making me better, reading, looking more into Al-Anon, AA, private counseling, just trying the best I can to educate myself to understand. I'll pray for him but there's nothing I can do to change this. I always want to believe love conquers all and I want to believe in "hope" but this time I must take the loss.
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Old 02-10-2018, 07:15 PM
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Congrats on the Ah Ha moment London.

Not that anger is that fun to feel but I tend to think when your feelings change, it means you are cycling through some important stuff and making progress. Probably the sadness will come back. Maybe some numbness. More anger. Perhaps laughter. More livid hot anger. Welcome all of these. They are part of the journey.

Congrats again. You are not stuck in this. You are moving through.

And keep posting as NONE of this is easy!
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Old 02-10-2018, 07:17 PM
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I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED BUT A WHOLE PARAGRAPH WAS LEFT OFF MY POST WHICH CAUSES IT TO MAKE NO SENSE AND I AM NOT ABLE TO DELETE IT. HERE IS WHAT I ORIGINALLY MEANT TO POST:

A few of you may know a bit about my story thru a couple of other threads I've shared over the past few days, this hurt I've been going thru with an A boyfriend, the ups and downs over the past 1 1/2 years, me trying to be there by his side the entire time trying to keep an open heart, trying to be gentle, kind and supportive because I know he's just "sick". Being pushed away in the end when he went into sober living; him coming back to let me know he loves me, he's just overwhelmed, all over the place and just needs time.

Had a bit of a A-HA moment today. After attending my first Al-Anon meeting I was feeling bad/emotional and didn't want to come home and be alone so went to a restaurant to have lunch and read and/or listen to Melody Beattie books. While sitting there I got a call from an old high school friend who is a recovering alcoholic himself. We talked for an hour, he listened, talked, tried to say what he could to help me understand. I was feeling confused, emotional and upset about all of this more than ever. Told him I had to go before I completely melted down there in the middle of the restaurant.

I came home and got online to check all of the responses and wonderful feedback you all have left (which I am truly grateful for). At the same time I decided to check Facebook, and looked at his page. Saw he had recently been online and changed his cover photo to a photo of him singing on stage (a great photo actually, he used to sing in a band) and he added a few friends as well. Some I'm sure he's met while living his new life, some not. The "female friends" all have their Double D's out front and center with the sexiest of pics. Nothing new to me, he's done this in the past when we were together and I've ignored this in the past. But one time after a split and him coming back and wanting to get together again I called him out on it. He said he was just "making friends". I told him my trust was not going to be earned back by him making friends with every woman out there who looks like a amateur porn star. He acknowledged and apologized and admitted to me that the only reason he did this was to hurt me when he was angry with me. It mostly stopped after that tho every now and again a few of the female "friends" would trickle in. When he went into sober living one day while talking on the phone while he was explaining his life to me he made a point of telling me he's not on social media, he's not online and he's not online doing the things he was doing in the past. Was very happy he brought this up and made a point of telling me, he's owning up.

Sorry for the ramble but my point is my A-HA moment was when I saw that it made me angry. Not a flip-out crazy upset crying hysterical angry, but angry just enough to make me ask myself "Seriously, WTF am I doing??". Why am I crying, crying this much and letting myself feel so broken and shattered over this guy still doing the same things he's done before? And even now lying to me about it? When I spoke with him according to him he has no time for anything especially like that because he is in such a "strict intensive therapy". This guy who made a point of HIM TELLING ME not more than two weeks ago he wasn't doing something that he still is.

As minor and petty this FB thing may seem, it was a slap in the face. Maybe the slap in the face I needed because I'm not crying anymore. I know he's mostly watched, and busy and tied up, and being held accountable for his every move while in sober living, but when he's not? When he's not being watched is he concerned with me? Is he experiencing this type of pain about me? When not in his "strict intensive therapy" is he shedding tears about me? Other times he was away in detox or rehab he would tell me he would. For some reason this time I don't think he is ... he's instead perusing other women on FB. The prior times in detox and rehab they took his phone away so he couldn't.

Even tho I feel because of this FB thing that the tears are off for now, and I know I'll still have the extremely emotional sad depressed moments, I'm going to keep working on making me better, reading, looking more into Al-Anon, AA, private counseling, just trying the best I can to educate myself to understand. I'll pray for him but there's nothing I can do to change this. I always want to believe love conquers all and I want to believe in "hope" but this time I must take the loss.
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Old 02-10-2018, 07:35 PM
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Ahh . . . .that does make more sense. I was a bit confused but figured you were referring to a previous post somewhere.

So . . . at least for you . . . .the truth of the saying "more will be revealed" is proven. Have you heard this saying?

Whatever you do London, please take care of yourself. What you are going through is no joke. There should be some sort of rehab/intensive-care for going through this type of thing and there isn't.

Get a good nights sleep, get some exercise, stay hydrated, hang with good friends and let us know how you get on.
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Old 02-10-2018, 10:18 PM
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A-ha, lightbulb on moments are the BEST! What a difference it makes in your healing when that happens. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain to get there, but we're happy you got there. Nothing will stop you now, keep going.
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Old 02-11-2018, 06:02 AM
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Can I suggest you delete and block him on FB too? No point watching his antics.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:38 AM
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Aha moments can be very painful but are also the "truth" that smacks "you" in the face.

I'm glad you are doing some better . So many emotions at once are difficult to deal with.

I would also recommend at minimum you hide his posts / unfollow him. If you unfriend you won't be tempted to take a peek
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:15 AM
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I don't think telling someone NOT to marry the person they feel in love with every works and neither does the reason why. Denial and justification will always be against that effort.

I told a good friend of mine NOT to marry the guy she had been crying over and complaining about for 2 year. The reasons, the guy drank to much, the guy got physcially with her several times. The cheated on her often. Guess what, she married him and made the decided not to be friends with me anymore.

I tried to talk to my brother about the woman he was planning on marrying who obviously had a drinking problem, guess what, he married her anyway.

Today, my friend is divorced, she feels embarrassed how she treated me in order to cling on to him. I am cautiously and ever so slowly rebuilding that friendship.

Today, my brother is in the middle of a nasty divorce, it took him 7 years to see what me, my ex, her mother, her brother and her aunt all saw and attempted to warn him about prior to marrying her.

People need to experience for themselves what they need to experience in life and make their own decision accordingly.

We need to make our own decision accordingly on how we will address being triggered by someone else's drinking. We basically have 2 choices, learn to deal with our triggers in being around them or chose not to be around them at all.
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:22 AM
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A life reality---when romantic love comes into conflict with family loyalty----romantic love wins the battle, every time...even thought it may lose the war (eventually).......
Romantic love is a powerful force....it is what contributes, in a big way to the continuation of the species. Being so...it is rather impervious to all outside forces.....
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:43 AM
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I tend to agree with the posts above. I would unfriend him on FB and any other social media and keep contact to zero or very minimal. I was told by my addiction therapist that the lying doesn't stop when they get sober, that comes with time working a strong program (AA or the like) which is based on being completely honest with yourself and others. The lying is almost habitual at that point. He is asking for space and time, use that to your advantage.
My ex did the same and he did what I couldn't do for myself, which was leave the relationship. With time I realized it was the best thing that could have happened. That caused me to dive into my own recovery which has changed my life.

I also made a pact with myself - to no longer intentionally inflict pain and hurt on myself. That meant not looking at his social media, where I would invariably get my feelings hurt. Not reaching out to him because I knew I would feel more rejection. Not expecting the love from him I had been fighting for all the years he was using because he was incapable of giving that. Not asking questions I knew the answer would hurt me. He had inflicted enough pain and damage in my life, I didn't need to continue doing it to myself. Everytime I was tempted to contact him I thought about that and instead I would journal or go to the gym or clean the kitchen, go to an Al-Anon meeting whatever to get past the need to reach out.

Really give therapy (with someone who specializes in addiction) and Al-Anon a chance. Both of those are the foundation of my recovery. I was a mess and couldn't afford therapy everyday (I felt like I needed it every single day) so I went to Al-Anon almost every day for months and it was a life saver for me.

Best thing to do is just keep working on you, building yourself up, learning about the disease, and move forward. This is a gift even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:37 AM
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Hi London,

So sorry you are in so much pain. I know what you are talking about.

His posts that you mention don't sound like those of a grown man.

Sounds like, although he may be sober, he hasn't changed much. Talks a lot then turns around and acts like an ass.

I know it's hard but at least for now, for you it may be best to distance yourself as much as possible. Please do reach out for help, daily open AA meetings, Al-Anon, grief support groups, whatever it takes to help you through.

Keep posting, try not to isolate yourself.
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:49 AM
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Thank you all. I so very much appreciate all your feedback more than you know. Last night I was feeling strong and angry about it and was feeling OK about being able to move on. Today, sitting here having a moment of weakness. The tears are still flowing.

A term I just recently learned, have never heard of: A Dry Drunk

Even though he's not physically pouring bottles of vodka down his throat he's still that same drunk. Will still have the same behaviours, act the same way ... correct?

Has anyone had any experience with BetterHelp.com? A one on one online counseling platform. Think I may give that a shot ...
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Old 02-11-2018, 01:42 PM
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this guy sounds like a professional "recoverer" - multiple detoxes, multiple rehabs, multiple turning over the new leaf. i say "professional" because some people become quite practiced in SOUNDING like they are IN sobriety, they know the lingo, they know what the concerned loved ones WANT to hear. they can Talk the Talk.

but then soon enough, they return to their "other" normal. living the life of a drinker, with a good dose of lies, deceit, and game playing

what they are NOT doing is Walking the Talk. truly living a brand new way, with a brand new attitude and outlook.

in time you can look at what the HOOK was for you. what was it about this person who displayed such issues and problems that made you decide to hop on the rollercoaster and strap in.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:35 PM
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wow London, now it's making more sense. I can understand your feelings of crazy and back and forth emotions. Get off the crazy merry-go-round as only you can decide when you've had enough. He sounds very emotionally immature and not really ready for a stable exclusive relationship. I'm glad you are reading or listening to Melody Beattie, she really addresses how unhealthy relationships plays out. Addiction is only a part of the pie. Keep strong, keep connected, keep up the self care. Prayers and hugs sent your way.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:51 PM
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Hi London, I've been in your shoes. It hurts when they drink. It hurts when they lie. It hurts when they are emotionally abusive.

You know what's good here? You finally got mad. I think that's a good sign. When I finally got mad I realized it was because I was finally taking care of me and needed to start setting some really healthy boundaries. Hang onto your anger. Listen to it. What is it trying to tell you about what you need to do next?
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:24 PM
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I was angry last night, and then was OK this morning, but this afternoon lost it for a bit (which I expected and I know those low moments still more to come). This site has been sooooo immensely helpful I can't keep expressing how much all of you are helping. It's only been a week since my troubles have started but from all of you I have learned so much will I will be forever grateful for.

In all my 48 years of life I've never experienced or been thru anything like this, this hurt from being in love with an addict and what comes along with it. One thing I did today was subscribe to online counseling. Found a one-on-one therapist to talk to about my specific issues. I sent her the links to my threads here so she can catch up on the specifics, she called me and we talked on the phone for over an hour. It felt good to talk.

One thing I got from our conversation, another new thing I learned ... she said from what she's heard it sounded like me and him were the "perfect storm" for the Empath/Narcassist relationship. Another term I've never heard, another new thing I've learned since being here. She said it was obvious I needed to start taking care of me and making me Number One as opposed to putting everyone else first. We have another phone session set for Wednesday.

Regarding FB, I know I need to block him, not watch and peek and I should and eventually I will. Part of me tho right now feels I need to see what he's doing to give me that kick in the @ss to keep doing my thing and keep moving on.

For example? Today I saw he posted he was hanging out at a record store (back to the question of he says he has no time for me because he is so tied up with his intensive therapy and can't spare me five minutes?). He also added another female "friend". What's more bothersome is that he re-posted a picture of him and a guy friend (an alcoholic, one of his drunkest of drunken friends who was never any good for him) out partying holding a beer with a caption of him tagging this person saying "where you at?".

Tho at this point I probably shouldn't care, I worry/wonder if he's taking this stint seriously. I'm just so baffled ... how does someone who portrays to be so immensely involved in recovery and focusing on sobriety, cuts me the person who loves him and who has been there for him after all this time thru all of this, who said he loves me, cuts me out of his life because he needs to focus, he needs to heal, he needs to do the right thing while in sober living. Yet you post a drunken picture of you and your boy?? I don't get it ...
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:08 PM
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Hey London, recovery from a break-up is anything but a straight line under the best of circumstances, but the longer you stay hooked into whatever he's doing or not doing or whatever, the more likely you are to spiral back into unhealthy places.

It might feel like checking out his FB is helping, but it's just keeping you more focused on him than on you.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by London393 View Post
I'm just so baffled ... how does someone who portrays to be so immensely involved in recovery and focusing on sobriety, cuts me the person who loves him and who has been there for him after all this time thru all of this, who said he loves me, cuts me out of his life because he needs to focus, he needs to heal, he needs to do the right thing while in sober living. Yet you post a drunken picture of you and your boy?? I don't get it ...
It is quite possible that he isn't taking this very seriously. You are getting in the way of his future drinking.

Take care of you!
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
It is quite possible that he isn't taking this very seriously. You are getting in the way of his future drinking.

Take care of you!
This actually crossed my mind as well.
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Old 02-12-2018, 03:13 AM
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Recovery is an inside job. We can be sitting in an AA meeting or living in a sober house, but if we spend the time finding ways of transferring our addictions (many Alcoholics also have issues with sex and relationships- trying to patch internal feelings with people) or getting all nostaligic over our old exploits (reminiscing about drunken antics or old drinking buddies are prime examples) then we aren't really getting what Recovery is all about.

From what you say it doesn't sound to me like he's gonna be 'getting this' any time soon. I hope I'm wrong but he seems stuck at the 'drinking is who I am' hurdle. Not a nice place to be. You have a choice though. YOU don't need to sit at that hurdle with him, hoping and praying that he won't just decide it's easier to go back than find a way to get past that hurdle.

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