No More Tears - I Must Be Done
A few of you may know a bit about my story thru a couple of other threads I've shared over the past few days, this hurt I've been going thru with an A boyfriend, the ups and downs over the past 1 1/2 years, me trying to be there by his side the entire time trying to keep an open heart, trying to be gentle, kind and supportive because I know he's just "sick". Being pushed away in the end when he went into sober living; him coming back to let me know he loves me, he's just overwhelmed, all over the place and just needs time.
Had a bit of a A-HA moment today. After attending my first Al-Anon meeting I was feeling bad/emotional and didn't want to come home and be alone so went to a restaurant to have lunch and read and/or listen to Melody Beattie books. While sitting there I got a call from an old high school friend who is a recovering alcoholic himself. We talked for an hour, he listened, talked, tried to say what he could to help me understand. I was feeling confused, emotional and upset about all of this more than ever. Told him I had to go before I completely melted down there in the middle of the restaurant.
Sorry for the ramble but my point is my A-HA moment was when I saw that it made me angry. Not a flip-out crazy upset crying hysterical angry, but angry just enough to make me ask myself "Seriously, WTF am I doing??". Why am I crying, crying this much and letting myself feel so broken and shattered over this guy still doing the same things he's done before? And even now lying to me about it? When I spoke with him according to him he has no time for anything especially like that because he is in such a "strict intensive therapy". This guy who made a point of HIM TELLING ME not more than two weeks ago he wasn't doing something that he still is.
As minor and petty this FB thing may seem, it was a slap in the face. Maybe the slap in the face I needed because I'm not crying anymore. I know he's mostly watched, and busy and tied up, and being held accountable for his every move while in sober living, but when he's not? When he's not being watched is he concerned with me? Is he experiencing this type of pain about me? When not in his "strict intensive therapy" is he shedding tears about me? Other times he was away in detox or rehab he would tell me he would. For some reason this time I don't think he is ... he's instead perusing other women on FB. The prior times in detox and rehab they took his phone away so he couldn't.
Even tho I feel because of this FB thing that the tears are off for now, and I know I'll still have the extremely emotional sad depressed moments, I'm going to keep working on making me better, reading, looking more into Al-Anon, AA, private counseling, just trying the best I can to educate myself to understand. I'll pray for him but there's nothing I can do to change this. I always want to believe love conquers all and I want to believe in "hope" but this time I must take the loss.