Hi
It’s posts like yours that actually help others as well - I’ve been in same situation as sure others have too,relapse after relapse , promise after promise ..broke them many times ..helping others as well as ourselves is a part of the recovery process for many here ..we all understand your pain and what you are going through
I cried out for help many times in early recovery and the SR family banded together and came for me ..it will click together for you ..give it chance
One day at a time , even one hour at a time
Camp yourself here for the day if you can ..cry,laugh,scream ..everyone is listening and there is no judgement
I really wish you all the best - there is hope I promise you