wildflower,
many prayers for you. I pray you make the best choice for you. I know reading your posts helps me to stay sober. So for my selfish reason, I want you to stay. I want you to know that you have never let me down.
As an alcoholic, I know that drinking is what we do. As an alcoholic in recovery, I know how tough it is to get and stay sober. I also know that when in the disease, it's hard to understand how others aren't still in theirs.
I suggest that you stick to Bimini blues strategy of sticking to a couple threads that don't cause anxiety or get your mind racing.
You are wanted here and you are needed here.