Rose,
I can't help but feel that this is when it is so important to get your focus off him. You stated how you felt and you cannot be held responsible for how he reacts to it. He feels like a failure because that is the way he has been living not because of anything you did. You cannot always diffuse a situation...and why should you have too?
You have indeed played a part in the dance you are dancing but you are not responsible for his failure to work anymore than his drinking. You are working to improve the situation...he is not. You are trying to better yourself...he is not. You want a happy life and you know you can have it.
The sadness you feel may be caused by moving on without him...survivor guilt. You have dicovered a solution and if you continue to move forward he will be left behind. That is sad...granted...but you can't sacrifice yourself because he wants to stay in the same place.
Focus on you Rose...anything else threatens your serenity.
Hugs,
JT