Am I making excuses?

Old 03-20-2003, 01:13 PM
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Am I making excuses?

The tough week continues, last night I had another minor meltdown/showdown with my husband. We talked today about both our frustrations and anxieties. I shared about how hard it is to live with his not working and drinking, and he shared about how he feels like a failure and believes he will never bounce back. After the call I felt better because I could say what my fears and frustrations were, but I also felt guilty for making him feel even worse than he did. Sometimes I forget that as bad as I feel, he feels worse all the time. He didn't say this to me but I gathered it as we were talking.

SO here is my question, am I just making excuses for not moving forward with a separation, or did I truely get a glimpse of what he lives with every day? Maybe a little of both.

I recognise that I have played a part in the way he feels. I am not the cause, but I have made a difficult situation worse many times by escalating the feelings instead of diffusing them. But I recognise that I was and am doing the best I can under difficult situations. But I want to do better. I want to be more compassionate and more clear about my boundaries and enforcing those boundaries.

I went to an Alanon meeting today and someone shared that there is a differance between circumstances and serenity. That the circumstances can be tough or challenging but you can still feel serenity. This is what I am working for, serenity in spite of my circumstance. Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-20-2003, 02:53 PM
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Am I making excuses?

Hi Rosie:
I think you're doing a great job. Ala-non teaches us to have our boundries, enforce them as best we can by using kindness, courtesy and respect when warranted. I was told this equals "assertiveness". I try to practice these steps when dealing with the "A". Remember one explanation for Alcoholism "is the inability to deal with reality". I look at my "A" and he looks so lost and I feel very sad as we are so compatible and have been married for many years. Alcoholism is a very lonely disease. I just cannot live indefinitely with Alcoholism.
I was told years ago regarding another matter......"When the time is right, you will intuitively know". I don't know if my "A" did/will drink today? When the time is right and I've done all I feel I can do.......time to move on if that's what my Higher Power and I decide is best for me.
I'm 63 y/o and I really don't want to be alone at my age, however, I also don't want to be unhappy. So, time will tell. Literally, one day at a time.
((Special Hugs to you, Rosie))
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Old 03-21-2003, 06:51 AM
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Rose,

You're doing a great job!
I don't know if you are looking for excuses to not move forward. I'm sure you probably did get a glimpse of what he lives with daily. But it doesn't excuse him from not taking responsibility for himself. I don't think you should feel guilty about expressing yourself with him, that is good for your recovery. He is probably not going to like what you have to say, but thats ok, because you are being true to yourself and you are VERY important!

I was really sad to actually understand the pain my husband is really in, but I couldn't control what he was doing, and had to stop taking responsibility for him. I also had to stop assuming any self afflicted or him afflicted guilt about his situation, especially if he is not going to do anything to get better. I had to start getting myself better, no matter what he was doing. He does know what to do to help himself. But it is his choice what he does with it. I can keep trying to wish and pray and mold this relationship into what I expect and want it to be, but it's really never going to change unless he has the same expectations, and is willing to take responsibility for his end. In the meantime, I have to accept it, AS IS, and keep taking care of myself.

The answers will come, when it is time, Until then we keep working on ourselves, the more I work on myself, the more I can start to see the answers.

****{Hugs}}}
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Old 03-21-2003, 08:23 AM
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Hi Rose,

I can't add too much to what these guys have already said so well. This is just my feelings. I think that when I start to get really frustrated, if my husband were genuinely open and honest about his feelings of inadequecy or depression or whatever it is, I would be very understanding and a lot more patient.

What gets me is the high and mighty attitudeof superiority he has despite the way he is treating the rest of the family and handling his own affairs. While at the same time I'm working my fingers to the bone and all his problems are my fault.

I think all of us here are really good people. We want to be with the people we love, even if it means having to work a little extra hard. I just think we want to be aprreciated and treated with respect.

In other words........I want him to acknowledge that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
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Old 03-21-2003, 09:37 AM
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Rose,

I can't help but feel that this is when it is so important to get your focus off him. You stated how you felt and you cannot be held responsible for how he reacts to it. He feels like a failure because that is the way he has been living not because of anything you did. You cannot always diffuse a situation...and why should you have too?

You have indeed played a part in the dance you are dancing but you are not responsible for his failure to work anymore than his drinking. You are working to improve the situation...he is not. You are trying to better yourself...he is not. You want a happy life and you know you can have it.

The sadness you feel may be caused by moving on without him...survivor guilt. You have dicovered a solution and if you continue to move forward he will be left behind. That is sad...granted...but you can't sacrifice yourself because he wants to stay in the same place.

Focus on you Rose...anything else threatens your serenity.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 03-21-2003, 11:07 AM
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Thank you all for your support this week. I will keep trying to focus on myself. Have a good weekend!
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