Six, is something besides alcohol bothering you? I know you've made veiled references to your mother ...some things need to be faced honestly and forgiven if we are ever to get well. Holding on to a sack of rocks is nothing but a heavy burden.
I had that "one thing" that I had decided I wasn't going to be able to get over. That THING that every time I thought about it I went into inner rage/helplessness/hopelessness. Poor me poor me pour me a drink.
For me, getting past that ONE thing was key to beginning a life of healing and recovery and to searching for solutions instead of complaints. Turns out once I faced that one thing all the other things got fixed too. I know you aren't one to really complain on here, and I am not asking you to bare your soul to us - but we all have that thing. That relationship or event that changed us or takes us to that dark place of feeling really bad.
I found solace in the Bible and in reading a lot of self-help books and in writing in a private journal while I was still in pain and still drinking.
Something has to give. This is no life for you. Whatever it is, find a way to let it go and/or forgive it. There is no other way but through.