Help quitting for good
I'm at a loss to explain my behavior.....I'm practically destroying everything in my life and making my girlfriend's life a living hell (if she still is my girlfriend)
I've done it again, the same miserable experience. I took one beer with work colleagues last night after work. I had started the day genuinely believing that I wasn't going to drink. I've slipped into this spiral around mid September after spending the previous six months clean and sober. I'll take a drink at home, swear I'll limit it or control it and swear that I won't leave the house and go to the dealer's house and SMOKE CRACK COCAINE. I inevitably do leave the house....this rush of adrenaline or something comes over me (almost like a huge anticipation ) and I fail to deal with. I end up at the dealer's house and smoking crack for hours...(I also believe I have a sex addiction and it's triggered by the crack) I spend a fortune, being the big man inviting people (or possibly I'm just been taking advantage of as my boundaries fall to dust.
I then swear to myself and to my girlfriend that I'm done for good. I genuinely feel that I mean it when I say it and it may last for a week or two, but granted the time in between is much shorter now......my emotions then get all over the place and I become very reactory and impulsive......
...my girlfriend doesn't help as I guess she doesn't understand. She is a good girl and does do a lot for me, but obviously I'm not doing my part fully around the house or between us. I keep saying to her, if I can get a month sober and clean under my belt I will be back to my energetic and normal self. However, she becomes very critical and throws things back in my face that she's "done for me". I'm ungrateful etc I then become very reactionary and allow the situation to effect me and then take a drink once again....and the cycle repeats....
When I leave the house it's almost like I cannot believe this is happening again. There's an enormous psychological pull and I then change my mind once again and it repeats...
I feel like I'm not in control of my mind at the moment