Bonecracker

I'm at a loss to explain my behavior.....I'm practically destroying everything in my life and making my girlfriend's life a living hell (if she still is my girlfriend)

I've done it again, the same miserable experience. I took one beer with work colleagues last night after work. I had started the day genuinely believing that I wasn't going to drink. I've slipped into this spiral around mid September after spending the previous six months clean and sober. I'll take a drink at home, swear I'll limit it or control it and swear that I won't leave the house and go to the dealer's house and SMOKE CRACK COCAINE. I inevitably do leave the house....this rush of adrenaline or something comes over me (almost like a huge anticipation ) and I fail to deal with. I end up at the dealer's house and smoking crack for hours...(I also believe I have a sex addiction and it's triggered by the crack) I spend a fortune, being the big man inviting people (or possibly I'm just been taking advantage of as my boundaries fall to dust.

I then swear to myself and to my girlfriend that I'm done for good. I genuinely feel that I mean it when I say it and it may last for a week or two, but granted the time in between is much shorter now......my emotions then get all over the place and I become very reactory and impulsive......

...my girlfriend doesn't help as I guess she doesn't understand. She is a good girl and does do a lot for me, but obviously I'm not doing my part fully around the house or between us. I keep saying to her, if I can get a month sober and clean under my belt I will be back to my energetic and normal self. However, she becomes very critical and throws things back in my face that she's "done for me". I'm ungrateful etc I then become very reactionary and allow the situation to effect me and then take a drink once again....and the cycle repeats....

When I leave the house it's almost like I cannot believe this is happening again. There's an enormous psychological pull and I then change my mind once again and it repeats...

I feel like I'm not in control of my mind at the moment

doggonecarl

Welcome back. Not sure what you've done for your recovery. You managed 6 months, but your addiction was simmering in the background. And since relapsing, you are struggling to quit.

Have you thought about a formal program of recovery? AA or NA. Face-to-face accountability might help, as would a plan to support your decision to get clean and sober.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Bonecracker. Your story sounds very similar to most of ours - being stuck in a cycle of using/remorse/using/remorse rinse/repeat.

As Carl suggests, you likely need to consider some kind of formal recovery plan so that you can first quit and then work on dealing with the underlying issues. Recovery from addiction is a lot more than just stopping the drugs/drinking.

Have you ever been to a recovery meeting or considered meeting with a recovery counselor?

DreamCatcher17

Welcome back!

Please find a recovery program that works for you and work it. This cycle can STOP , it starts when you start working a program.

Get a good support system behind you. Sounds like your GF may be over all the promises, that is understandable, a persona can only take so many "i'm sorry, I'll stop" when in fact the best thing you can do is SHOW her and yourself, you are worth it, and to do that you remain sober and work on you.

I totally understand how you think you have a sex addiction. While I was on meth or booze, I was so slutty (honest program worker here). I am disgusted with what I did while using, however, I know that is not ME, sober me.
Now that I am sober, I found out WHY I was that way, what lead me to do those things.. Rude awakening of how much self-hatred I had for myself and lack of attention from... anyone...

Now that I am clean, my self-respect is in tack, my infidelities are no longer existent.

Daily amends for me are remaining sober, this way I am gaining the trust back from people and trusting myself.

I wish you the best. DO you, and get better!

Anna

I believed that I wasn't in control of my mind either. I believed that my thoughts controlled me. They didn't. Thoughts are just thoughts. I could choose to not act on my thoughts.

And, yes, it's really hard to break the cycle. I hope you can take that leap of faith and break out of the cycle. You can be the person you want to be.

Bonecracker

Yeah it was, I had the "moderate in maybe 5 years time etc" program running through my mind operating system.

I'd be willing to give them ago. I'm not exactly sure how they work though......I've gone to a NA meeting during this period and I didn't really get what it was all about. It felt strange and a little uncomfortable (I think this was more due to the seating arrangement....there was one big square table in a square room, so everybody was facing each other in a square......it made for some weird and uncomfortable eye contact. The night after the meeting I drank wine and smoked crack, so I thought that it didn't really do anything. But like I said, I don't know exactly how it works.

It's smack bang in the city centre so when I came out everybody was sitting at tables in bars and restaurants drinking wine and eating food. This NA would be the only option....only time I could go would be Friday night and Saturday night. Checked out an AA, only option is Friday night conflicting with NA Friday.

DreamCatcher17

[QUOTE=Bonecracker;6709200] The night after the meeting I drank wine and smoked crack, so I thought that it didn't really do anything. But like I said, I don't know exactly how it works.

Do you think maybe it didn't work and you went home to use is because you did not complete step 1?
Accept the fact that you are an addict?
You do that, accept the fact you are an addict, and work a program the only one stopping you is YOU, maybe get out of you and allow someone else to guide you. Preferable a sponsor as this person can explain the ropes to you and guide you!

I feel I always sound so unempathetic when I type things out. I am the type to show tough love, so please don't take offense to how it all comes out, strong will, I suppose.

doggonecarl

Well, sitting around a table isn't how it works, but it is a component. You could start by doing an online search for the Big Book of NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS. Read that. Then you'll know how it works.

Bonecracker

It's true, I've realized that too....there are a whole host of underlying issues at play that need to be worked on. I come from a dysfunctional family...fear, uncertainty and insecurity reverberated through the family home.

There's a lot to get through.

Someone advised or I read somewhere about getting help from a psychiatrist. I'd like to be able to do that, maybe they could unravel something and probably uncover several mental health issues. Costly though.

ScottFromWI

I would agree that therapy can be very helpful. And it's really not as expensive as one might think. I still see a counselor about once a month, but the cost to me is far less than I spent monthly on alcohol alone.

Bonecracker

you're absolutely right. And it reminds me that I'm going to use a CBT video course to help me establish back control of the thoughts feelings behavior cycle.

thanks, I'm taking the leap of faith for sure. Some things have happened and the hole is definitely deep enough. Certain things have reached their end.

Being the person I want to be.....exactly. I'm going to make this a "life purpose". I've heard this so many times that it's good to have a life purpose but I could never really work it out.

I've just found one....This is how I'm framing it. Continuous personal and spiritual growth, excellence and enlightenment.

Bonecracker

[QUOTE=DreamCatcher17;6709218] Hey, thanks. no offense taken at all! I appreciate the reply. Deathly curious though.....what part did you think may be offensive? Oh maybe you think it's direct? not at all offensive but nice of you to say that at the end...

Em I don't know. I remember that night. It was all a little strange (how I was feeling, the experience) It was possible it may have been an exceptional meeting as I arrived like 2 minutes after it had started and all the focus was on a girl who had come for the very first time. So I don't know, it was like a "meet and greet" kind of thing to this girl? Basically someone would speak but it was directed at her..."welcome. I remember my first time....." The girl was crying and a sobbing mess......she would say "Thank you, thank you...." and ball crying.....

Perhaps this may seem selfish but I needed assistance/help/an arm around my shoulder and I didn't get it that night.....it was the day after the day after a binge....

So did I drink or use that night because I didn't accept (step 1?) that I was an addict? It's possible, but even if I accept I am an addict knowing that fact is not necessarily going to stop me....

...In fact, I've seen many people over the years deeply accept that fact and settle into in alcoholic life with deep acceptance. "I'm an alcoholic. It's what I do"

I'm not normally who is normally very reactionary......in fact I would say that I'm normally in control of my emotions, so I've been really miffed by my reactionary impulsive emotional behavior.......however, I've just read something about CRACK WITHDRAWAL and I have to say, it explains a lot......it explains exactly how my mind has been lately.

Anyway, that night I think I just felt the void inside a little more pronounce. Loneliness, frustration, misunderstood...awkwardness. One or two spoke at the end but they were all fawning over the girl....

Also, I'm a foreigner in a foreign land with a different language....my language skills are decent, but 1. I have my own hangups about my own ability i.e. it's not "perfect" and it "should be" 2. I'm normally super chatty but if I'm depressed (i.e. effects of drink or drugs) I can be reticent .....IN MY HEAD I believe that people think my language must be shite because I'm only saying a few words.....so why would they bother? I often think they could care less as I'm a foreigner.....(granted while there may be an element of truth there I'm aware that they are mostly PROJECTIONS)

...anyway a lot of these thoughts and feelings and emotions......the void asking to be filled.....screaming......left a little disorientated confused........people enjoying themselves in bars and restaurants.....I don't know I felt on the periphery of existence.....outside of society.........

....I got home to my house without drinking or anything and then my girlfriend wanted an early night....but to sleep, to get up early the next day to go to her church.........
....she didn't want to spend time with me. Bored and rejected....

....wine and the tv were there.........later I went out....

I've wondered lately if coming from a dysfunctional family, am I addicted to the madness and chaos......

Bonecracker

In fact, you reminded me that I probably had something a belonging to NA on my kindle.....opened the kindle and it was opened on Allen Carr's easy way....I'd being trying to read that again lately but cannot get into it......either finding it boring/tedious or I cannot concentrate on reading at this moment.....(at the moment=during this cycle....normally I'm an avid reader)

Anyway, I had a gander and I have "Living Clean the Journey Continues" and "It works: how and why"

Both are over 200 pages. Bit hard to read right now.....would hate to make the effort to read them just to find out how it works and then conclude that it's not for me....

Not sure why you don't want to say how it works considering that you suggested it? I mean you suggest it to me.....I tell you that I'm not sure how it works and the answer is go read a 400 page book and you'll know how it works......

By the way, is there anywhere I could post that question? I've been googling different things and looking on various websites......and when it comes to NA and AA there seems to be a lot of debates or extreme opinions. I'm not interested in a debate, simply if it is suitable for me. The AA meeting is very very close to where I would go for crack and the NA meeting is not far from it but smack bang in the centre (touristy part). These are areas that I would rather avoid on a Friday and Saturday night (only available times I can go)....but I would go if I was convinced it would be helpful to me in the short and long term.

Apparently I ordered (online) the Rational Recovery book last week....if I recall from that website there's no meetings.

The gym really is going to be my sanctuary once again.

Ariesagain

My therapist saved my life, all 95 lbs of her. She knew my ******** from a mile away and someone like that is what you need.

As for the expense...compared to a crack/booze/sex addiction, it’s nothing. Those things will ultimately cost you everything you have.

Recovery is an inside job. You get all the help and tools you can, but in the end, it’s up to you. You don’t go to the gym, stand there for five minutes, go home and then wonder why you’re not fit, right?

Same thing.

Bonecracker

It's true when you compare it to what I've blown on destruction.........interesting it could be a self esteem issue....I'm willing to blow cash and ultimately leave my self broke on a self destructive habit (It's not really buying anything for myself......it's an act of self destruction) but yet to spend money on hopefully getting help, I'm reluctant.....

I agree that it's an inside job....I'm coming to that conclusion too....that it's simply a choice, it's up to me at the end of the day whether I act on thoughts or whether I can change to new thoughts and decide to choose a sober and clean life. Just like drinking is a choice.

What you're saying is what ever support you use at the end of the day it's all you.

I don't really get your gym analogy though? are you saying "support is really an illusion or has a placebo effect?"

Ariesagain

My analogy is that if you don’t decide to put the effort in, just being present at the gym does nothing. You can’t outsource getting in shape...recovery is the same way. You still have to lift those weights and get on that treadmill, yes?

I just chose that analogy because I thought you might relate to it. Exercise is a great tool to combat addiction.

You have it dead right...”whatever support you use at the end of the day its all you.”

Wishing you success!

Bonecracker

I don't lift weights or use a treadmill.

I fight, like Conor McGregor. Bloody whisky drinker. Except the last 4 months I've gone less and less....not at all last week. Even the dealer person noted the last time "you used to come Friday and Saturday, now you're coming more during the week. I go between the two extremes, but the darkness has been winning more lately........oh well John Jones was in great shape and got caught out with cocaine got banned and made it back.....although he got tested twice for it and then a permanent ban for a performance enhancing drug (that was a bigger disappointment as he didn't need..)

Chuck Liddel was coked out of his brain watching the ufc and then on a morning tv show.......then fired.

When I was going to the gym (two of them) five six days per week, I was either sober or limiting binges to the weekend (wanting to not have any at all, but at least they were only at the weekend....

then I got a "supplementary job" or an extra contract from my original job......money was very good so I took it.......it stopped me going to the first gym........my substance intake seemed to go up...I was unhappy....I seemed to be finishing work at night and then having to get up again in the morning.........no outlet....

...I didn't make it in yesterday and although I arranged EVERYTHING with the clients and we agreed on a rearrangement......the power hungry manager decided to make it personal saying that she found it unacceptable that I didn't have the courtesy to let her know too ....(we had a meeting later that evening, she would have been told...)

But instead of being mad......oddly enough I feel relieved! I realized it was the second job was making my life dull and tedious and I was missing the first gym. So I can go back to the two of them from January.

So what this person is saying...."you have to do something about your recovery, not just stand there at the weight rack and expect to pack on muscle".....

For me that means living my life. Obviously you have to take action to live your life. If I don't stand up and make my dinner, I won't get fed.

Recovery for me is recovering everything that has been damaged by your addiction. Health and fitness, finances, personal development, self esteem, self confidence, work performance, personal development and growth (spiritual, professional, personal), evolving.......self care....

tomsteve

sittin in the garage all day wont make me a car.

Bonecracker

Sticking feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken

I'm not getting how the code speak is related to anything I have written about my experience...

Maybe he's a mechanic

thomas11

It sounds like your downfall starts with that first beer. I don't think you are alone in that regard. Many people only need that first drink and its off to the races. I can tell you that if you are able to learn what you can do to avoid (at all costs!) that first drink, success is in your future. Simple but hard to do.