SB,
We all have been there.
For me it was all about finally emotionally accepting fully that I was really addicted and that I could never drink again, full stop. Once I got there, I could do it, because there was no other option. Drinking without the dire consequences was never going to happen again.
You said you like to read books and I love Peter Michaelson's book "why we suffer". If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.
I was I was just saying over on Obladi's great string, IMO he nails it. It is not specifically geared at addiction, although he has written expressly about addiction, but his general work also speaks to everything addicts do (and other forms of self sabotage) in a way that speaks to me totally.
His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion.
Crazy, but for me totally true. And now that I see it, I can address it straight on.
I love Mike's post, as usual he too nailed it. We are addicts. That will never change, Ever. We will have triggers. That too will never change. But over time we build a life where acting on the triggers by drinking is simply off the table. For me, this has meant finding other ways to self sabotage, but that is another story.
Just keep on keeping on. You will get there. We all want more pats on the back, atta boy, etc but when I realised that they did not owe me anything, I had created this mess and I would solve it, that was when the healing began.