Hi AS.
Welcome to the forum. There is hope. Plenty here have hit clean and stayed that way. You can too.
Glad you found us and are reading and posting.
Any chance that you could get into an inpatient program to get your recovery started?
BB
PS the 12-step recovery program is lot more than just meetings. Working with a sponsor on the steps (outside of meetings), supported by the fellowship of the meetings themselves is much more likely to be helpful. Thing is, we have to start with meetings so we can meet potential sponsors. Think of it like joining a gym. Just going there isn't going to get you fit. You have to actually do the exercise. And a personal trainer helps us to understand how to work an effective fitness program, otherwise it's a bit hit and miss.
Might be worth another go, with the willingness to engage in the 12-step work with a sponsor guiding you through it.
PPS. You're not scum. How about a more positive user name?