OpheliaKatz

(Sorry, long reply)

Yeah the thing is, some people don't really care about other people, they just care about themselves. It's shocking that with my ex, he choose a career path that might make it seem like he's caring (I mean, his goal was to become a religious leader... so you would think..., but no, he was doing this because he said he wanted "followers"). This is my personal opinion, but there are a lot of sickos in the world out there and if you look at any helping profession -- psychologist, priest, surgeon... etc -- there will be a decent percent of those people that really are in it because they care, and a decent percent are going to be mentally ill, pedophiles, and sadists who like cutting people up with scalpels; the job is just a cover-up. Sure, these people have legitimate reasons for being "sick", but they also have a legitimate reasons for not treating others badly, the first reason being, it's WRONG. But then these people tend to think, "it's wrong, except for me because I'm an exception." The addict in my life thought, lying is wrong, except for me because I need to lie to use my drugs." You might wonder where he got this sort of thinking, well, let's just say, his parents used to sneakily prune all the good flowers off their neighbor's bushes simply because they wanted those particular flowers in their vase at home. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm condemning his whole family here. I am sure there are good things about them, but there are also bad things.

Now, as for the "stupid" part. You aren't stupid as you clearly are not with this guy anymore. Even if you were, some people find it very hard to leave because 1) like I said, there are good things about everyone. Heck even Hitler was "good" in some ways. I mean, he really had a skill when it came to mobilizing the youth, so that's "good". And what about Stalin, that's some impressive mustache. See? All good. 2) Some people have children, pets, houses with their addicts -- don't underestimate how difficult it is to say "no" to a dog/child/mortgage that's howling because it hasn't seen your drunken husband for three nights. 3) You might actually love your addict, because the addict was not always acting like an addict, and you're busy remembering the "good times" (see "Stalin's mustache" example). 4) Gaslighting. Meaning, the addict lies. And lies and lies and lies. All of the lies are just slightly implausible, but the act of lying over something as big as addiction is so shocking, that you think, no it can't be true. Because the fact is, the truth is very shocking, very upsetting. The fact that he may have stole from you, tried to kill himself repeatedly, has a disease from which he might never return, uses words like "I love you" to manipulate you, are just so upsetting that you don't want to believe it even if the dime bag is right there on the table in front of you and he's telling you it's "herbal tea". Also the fact that the addict may show no guilt when lying. They could win a "Dishonesty Oscar". That is also very shocking. So you get what is called "cognitive dissonance". This is where your brain is faced with two completely contradictory pieces of information, so you try to rationalize the information (because that is what brains do), and as a result, you become confused and whatever your addict tells you beyond this point is easier to accept than trying to pick apart the web of lies.

So that is why you were in your situation. Not stupidity.

You were also chosen by the addict because you were 1) empathetic, 2) had poor boundaries -- this could happen if your family of origin treats you like you're unimportant and you're always trying to make them happy because their love is conditional upon you making them happy... because they are, or some of them are, narcissists. So your relationship with someone whose issues mattered more than their relationship with you is just you unconsciously continuing the abuse, 3) other reasons... too many to get into. In any case, we all need a shrink. A good one. Not one that has mental issues. Or go to Alanon/Naranon for group help.