Man...couple things I need to elaborate SG.
First off, I came here to post my new adventures and ulitmately that's what I did instead of responding to you. I kinda did respond, but I felt that I made it all about me again. That is something I am working on. I definately have an issue there.
Ultimately on the meditation front, the point I was trying to say besides yammering on about my experience, is I really hope you keep going with it.
It's not something that will change you in a day, or a week, or maybe longer. It takes consistency so you'll keep exploring the realm and find a space where you feel something productive. Somethings besides focusing on the breath.
I hope you keep going. 5min, 5 sec, 20min...whatever. Any time where you spend inside your own head exploring what's going on in there is helpful. You are a very inquisitive person. There's no doubt you'll keep questioning what you're supposed to do, or gain, or experience, etc.
You'll either get bored from not learning anything, or you'll go all in once it opens up to you. Since you tend not to accept many things at face value, or accept status quo, there's not a shred of doubt you'll find what's going to work for you and how to use it.
Just need persistence and patience. I know ou enough that you are persistent for sure. Not sure about patience. By that I mean I do not know.
Bottom line....keep going. The only thing I know that will speed things up is to explore that area outside the actual exercise of meditating. Like reading up on meditation benefits, techniques, etc. Perhaps hunt down some meditation forums and start a dialogue...or even just follow. Expand your awareness on the topic as a whole.
My other point I want to clarify is AA vs. NA. I sound like a huge AA hater. And the last thing I want to do is push you off AA becuase they ARE a great group with lots of great people. Every room is different. My expereiences will not be yours. You may walk into an NA room and find more despair there than anywhere.
Heck...on my kratom forum I shared how awesome NA was, and though many agreed, I did get some who said they experienced what I described in AA while NA in their area was highly religious.
I only hope you continue to explore the rooms. If you find one that you do not comfortable in, check out a different one. Even if it's AA.
FWIW...you don't need to worry about being an alcoholic at NA. They address addiction as a whole. Drugs, food, sex, alcohol..doesn't matter. They make it a specifc point NOT to talk about what their DOC was or ask about yours. They want everyone to feel welcome and will not look down on anyone for any reason. Every once in a while, somebody will mention what they used, but for the most part they view addiction involving a wide scope of manifestation. And every once in a while, you might have somebody ask before or after a meeting what you are using / used. They are normally new, or just coming off something really hard and looking for somebody who survived what they are tryng to recover from.
I've been to probably 150 meetings? I had ONE person ask me what my DOC was. This poor soul was coming off fent. Felt super bad for him. Hi was cold and clammy with galssed over eyes. Screaming discomfort and pain. He was over 30days off it at that point too. Sheesh. Poor guy. Havent been to that particular meeting in a while. I hope he stuck with it. He looked like day 2 from alcohol. I don't think I have the strength to live that for over a month.