sickofthiscrap

I’ve been an on-off visitor to these forums over the years. I am no stranger to sobriety or alcoholism, having done stints of both. I was never happy either way so must concede there was something about sobriety I was doing wrong, or not “getting”. I’ve never been a believer in happiness actually, but right now, just “coping” would be nice. That’s the truth I’m arriving at. I am not coping, and alcohol is actually making me weaker and further destroying my ability to cope.

I came back here briefly earlier this year and then left again because I felt bad, wasting the time of you good people. I wasn’t serious about quitting. No point venting and whining on a sobriety forum if I am not wanting to get sober.

In recent times I have laboured under delusions of control. Like, I am not that bad. Compared to many I guess I am not. I don’t drink every night. Most of the time I stop at five drinks (I know that is actually a lot). Real benders don’t happen often. I don’t get into trouble.

How easily it all unravels. It is unravelling before my eyes. Last night five drinks didn’t get me anywhere, so I just drank until I passed out.
I am going through an incredibly difficult time right now, I am in serious emotional pain that I have been medicating with booze…but truly I see with clear eyes it is actually me weaker. I feel utterly pathetic. I have a game face, but I can’t deal with basic stuff everyone has to deal with in this life without hiding in a damn bottle.

I seriously don’t feel strong enough to handle what life is throwing at me right now. My mother was recently dx with advanced cancer. She has recently gone through all the tests. Actually, things aren’t as bad as they could be…while it is advanced, it hasn’t spread to distant organs or bones. But she is now faced with all the horrible decisions about treatment…chemo, radiation, hormone blockers. It all looks like a “no win” to me. Doctors are prescribing chemo as she is a stage 3 and it is her best bet to make sure cancer doesn’t recur after her recent surgery to remove the tumour and affected lymph nodes. My mother is seventy-three and not in great health anyway. I have seen fit and healthy young people go downhill fast on chemotherapy. Only to have the cancer return, and they died anyway. My mother doesn’t want to have chemo and I don’t blame her. But if she doesn’t the cancer is going to get her. I am just in pieces over all this. My mother is my best friend and I don’t want to lose her, but either way mortality looms. I AM going to lose her. It is just a question of when.

Things came to a head yesterday. My mother’s principal caretakers are me and my step dad. She doesn’t really have anyone else. My other siblings live distantly and aren’t very close to her. Now, my step dad is not well, has tendonitis in his legs and can’t drive. They told me I’ve got to get my driver’s licence so I can drive them to their medical appointments (yes, please don’t laugh at me, I don’t drive. I had lessons at eighteen and did not take to it, so I just quit). Long range, looks like I will need to quit my job to take care of them. I feel like life is over. Theirs, mine. We are all just getting old and the good times are a long distant memory. Nothing ahead but sadness, struggle, sickness and death. I know this sounds self-indulgent.

I kept a brave face in front of my parents, then went home and spent the rest of the day drinking and sleeping. I just can’t deal. I just wanted to block everything out and not be conscious. I guess I am still a kid. I feel like they should be taking care of me, not the other way around. I am used to them driving me around, now I have to drive them around.

Today I am horribly hungover and staring at reality again. The truth is still here no matter how much I hate it and want to make it go away. It’s certainly true that drinking doesn’t make anything better.

I am going to take another stab at sobriety. I think the mistake I made last time was I tried to do everything on my own. I never talked to a doctor about my drinking, I never went to AA or anything. I just stopped. But then, of course, I started again…

Well I have some really good reasons to quit right now. If I’m going to be getting my licence I don’t want this booze demon on my back. How will I drive my parents to their medical appointments with a hangover or a DUI? That’s just p*ss weak and irresponsible.

Not to mention I have up close and personal experience of what a bitch cancer is, and with all the drinking I’ve been doing I would be very surprised if I don’t get it some years down the track myself. I’ve been poisoning my body and my organs for YEARS.

Thanks for listening. I am reading other posts here for encouragement. And telling myself, this is day one all over, this time for real, but in this pathetic state, also wondering if I can actually do it.