Soulful

Only this marathon is ran by my neurons. I am sorry to write in here, I just feel that this is my only outlet to express my thoughts and hope to find some form of understanding, peace... anything.

4am this morning. He rolled in, sniffling. I sleep with my son (I haven't shared a bed with my AH since my son was born). He didn’t seem too out of it, but definitely on cocaine. He didn't see me that I was awake, I have a window in my bedroom facing the door.

He left at 5:30pm, 11 or so hours before, after he took a shower and got ready and told me he is going to the grocery store to buy something. He asked me if I need anything.

That’s my “signal”, everytime he goes grocery store to pick up something, or he goes for a “walk”, he always comes back the next day. And I personally never take a shower and get ready with perfume when I go grocery shipping. Certainly he went casino and I would assume strip joint or rub and tug or whatever to "get off". I mean, that's 11 hours of fun.

I didn’t sleep AT all. This makes it my 7th straight night that I simply just close my eyes to rest and get ZERO sleep. I haven't sleep in years, but when I decided to leave him for good, my sleep has disappeared. Like ZERO, sleep, I am talking not even an hour.

I still worry about him. To a certain extent, I always will. I currently run an Airbnb here in Playa del Carmen and I have decided that on Nov 28th, after I take my son to school, I will come back home, grab some clothes and live in the Airbnb condo until Dec 14th when he leaves. I am going to lose money, because it's high season here, but if I don't leave, I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown and I am going to collapse. I can't afford that, I have a son and 3 businesses to take care of, plus in between, I need to find some time for myself too to at least enjoy some fresh air or a chai latte. Or something that makes me feel human.

Last night I actually cried. I miss him, but I became even more frustrated with myself, because I am not really sure who or what I miss. I am not sure if he was ever sincere with me, if he actually loved me. Many times he told me he loves me more than anything, but he said a lot of things.

I have no no idea what is real and what is not from our 10 years together. His last email asking me to work things is making me so upset. After everything we have been through, he writes that most insulting email ever, asking me to work together, but not owning anything from our demise.

I am so exhausted. I am so mentally, emotionally, psychologically depleted. I am trying to be rational, logical and everything in between, but I don't have it in me today.

It will get better, right?