It's like running a marathon...

Old 11-26-2017, 05:41 AM
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It's like running a marathon...

Only this marathon is ran by my neurons. I am sorry to write in here, I just feel that this is my only outlet to express my thoughts and hope to find some form of understanding, peace... anything.

4am this morning. He rolled in, sniffling. I sleep with my son (I haven't shared a bed with my AH since my son was born). He didn’t seem too out of it, but definitely on cocaine. He didn't see me that I was awake, I have a window in my bedroom facing the door.

He left at 5:30pm, 11 or so hours before, after he took a shower and got ready and told me he is going to the grocery store to buy something. He asked me if I need anything.

That’s my “signal”, everytime he goes grocery store to pick up something, or he goes for a “walk”, he always comes back the next day. And I personally never take a shower and get ready with perfume when I go grocery shipping. Certainly he went casino and I would assume strip joint or rub and tug or whatever to "get off". I mean, that's 11 hours of fun.

I didn’t sleep AT all. This makes it my 7th straight night that I simply just close my eyes to rest and get ZERO sleep. I haven't sleep in years, but when I decided to leave him for good, my sleep has disappeared. Like ZERO, sleep, I am talking not even an hour.

I still worry about him. To a certain extent, I always will. I currently run an Airbnb here in Playa del Carmen and I have decided that on Nov 28th, after I take my son to school, I will come back home, grab some clothes and live in the Airbnb condo until Dec 14th when he leaves. I am going to lose money, because it's high season here, but if I don't leave, I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown and I am going to collapse. I can't afford that, I have a son and 3 businesses to take care of, plus in between, I need to find some time for myself too to at least enjoy some fresh air or a chai latte. Or something that makes me feel human.

Last night I actually cried. I miss him, but I became even more frustrated with myself, because I am not really sure who or what I miss. I am not sure if he was ever sincere with me, if he actually loved me. Many times he told me he loves me more than anything, but he said a lot of things.

I have no no idea what is real and what is not from our 10 years together. His last email asking me to work things is making me so upset. After everything we have been through, he writes that most insulting email ever, asking me to work together, but not owning anything from our demise.

I am so exhausted. I am so mentally, emotionally, psychologically depleted. I am trying to be rational, logical and everything in between, but I don't have it in me today.

It will get better, right?
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Old 11-26-2017, 05:55 AM
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It will.
Once you have a bit of distance from the addict’s drama, chaos, heartbreak, anger, sadness, things will become clearer.
I was going to respond to one of your earlier posts in this way: “why wait until the 14th? Kick him to the curb now.”
I deleted my response because well, I don’t know.
Didn’t seem like the right thing to say at the time.
I am very glad you have decided to pull yourself away until he leaves.
Good move.
You need the sleep!
Peace and good thoughts.
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Old 11-26-2017, 06:49 AM
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Also, don't apologize for posting, ever. Believe me, we understand the need to express ourselves in a place where people understand what we're going through. Sometimes just the act of getting the words out helps tremendously.
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Old 11-26-2017, 07:05 AM
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Soulful. I didn't sleep properly for years while my soon to be ex was living with me. I too, stayed awake worrying about him, knowing that I should not worry as it was pointless. Since we separated, I sleep better. Initially it was difficult and I was crying myself to sleep every night. It gets better. I think you will feel a sense of relief once you get away, and I think staying in the AirBnB is a good idea for the time being. I hope that you get some respite from the madness soon. Things will get clearer in time. It takes a lot of time though. Also, the less sleep you get the more likely you will get sick or depressed. So please make sure you are able to sleep.

As for the 10 years together... so many people here have had 10 years or 20 with their addicts. I know that during the time I was with my husband, it was real for me, I sacrificed so much for him. I know that for most of that time, he was trying to make a relationship work because he wanted a relationship -- not necessarily with me, it was never about me, it was always about his wants, his desires. It was not really a real relationship, this is just using people. No matter what he felt about me, he used me, because the relationship was primarily about him, his addiction or illness, and he was dishonest with me. For him, this was okay. For him, this was proof that I loved him: I was "understanding" of him... yet it was not enough because what he really wanted was to drug himself, and it disappointed him that he didn't feel the same dopamine rush in our relationship that he felt when he was drugging himself.

For a person in active addiction (meaning, they have used drugs or drink or engaged in any addiction recently... in the past few months, for example), the idea of being able to engage in the work of love, the compromise, the care, the responsibility of love, is not enough. Love is never enough -- they don't have the energy or brain-space for love because those things are taken up by thinking about their addiction, thinking about how to get the drug, when to use it, where to use it... etc. They want to get high. They don't want love, really, because they have already bonded to their drug or dysfunctional behavior the way a baby bonds to its mother. I know that sounds messed up, well, it is. Your husband in particular, has more than just an addiction problem. He sounds like he has some personality issues (I hope you're not offended by me saying this). I think my stbxah also has personality issues.

You have been through so much. You felt real love for someone who repeatedly hurt you and your child by their behaviors. So the past 10 years were real... for you. Was it real for him? It's likely that nothing was real for him because he was busy being high, drunk, whatever -- he was out of his head (or coming down from something). His real life was the roller-coaster of chaos. He put you and your kid aside so that he could get back to you "later"... because he probably has a fantasy that he can also fake a "normal" life when he "one day" quits. Meanwhile you are living in the real world and waiting for him to "wake up". ALL his actions are about him faking something. Him taking drugs is him faking happiness.

You are doing the right thing by trying to leave.

He stole time from you. The lost time is something I struggle with most.
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Old 11-26-2017, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
They want to get high. They don't want love, really, because they have already bonded to their drug or dysfunctional behavior the way a baby bonds to its mother. I know that sounds messed up, well, it is. Your husband in particular, has more than just an addiction problem. He sounds like he has some personality issues (I hope you're not offended by me saying this). I think my stbxah also has personality issues.

You have been through so much. You felt real love for someone who repeatedly hurt you and your child by their behaviors. So the past 10 years were real... for you. Was it real for him? It's likely that nothing was real for him because he was busy being high, drunk, whatever -- he was out of his head (or coming down from something). His real life was the roller-coaster of chaos. He put you and your kid aside so that he could get back to you "later"... because he probably has a fantasy that he can also fake a "normal" life when he "one day" quits. Meanwhile you are living in the real world and waiting for him to "wake up". ALL his actions are about him faking something. Him taking drugs is him faking happiness.


He stole time from you. The lost time is something I struggle with most.
These particular sentences... incredibly powerful.

No, not offended whatsoever. Your uncanny honesty and the time you always take to answer has helped me tremendously.

PS: I got your PM, I am just on this battlefield of emotions where I feel like I am going absolutely insane. Give me 2 more days.
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Old 11-26-2017, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Soulful View Post
Last night I actually cried. I miss him, but I became even more frustrated with myself, because I am not really sure who or what I miss. I am not sure if he was ever sincere with me, if he actually loved me.
I'm so sorry. I completely relate to this. It's so painful and so difficult questioning what was real then vs. what is real now. It makes you doubt yourself, and lack of sleep only furthers that doubt. I think our addicts loved us. The problem is now they love their substances more.
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Old 11-26-2017, 12:13 PM
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You don't need to be rational. You don't need to be logical.

You're taking good steps. You're making good healthy decisions. Keep praying. Keep hope. Things ARE going to be getting better. There will be rough times, especially psychologically... keep expanding your support network. All this hard work WILL be worth it.

(((((((Hugs)))))))
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Old 11-26-2017, 02:06 PM
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i think availing yourself of the airbnb is a SANE decision!!

however, if you are going to leave the house "to him" for a period of time, consider what ELSE you might wish to have with you, and not accessible to HIM. things you do not want to or cannot afford to lose. consider who NEEDS to know where you are, and who does not.
consider changing passwords. take or secure blank checks to any accounts, extra cards, your passport, etc.

i don't say this to scare you, but only so you plan well and cover your bases.....there are things we NEVER could have imagined THEY could do.....
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Old 11-26-2017, 03:50 PM
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Got everything under control. I am taking all valuables with me, laptops, rings, passports. I know when he goes casino and I know when he is not home, so I can come back and grab more things.

He doesn't have access to my Airbnb, it's a gated complex and he doesn't have any keys or authorization to pass. He is also not allowed to pick his son up anymore from the private school he does to.

I am two steps ahead of him this time.
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Old 11-26-2017, 04:25 PM
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Okay remember to grab that chai too. :-)
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Old 11-26-2017, 04:54 PM
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i suggest you "chai" people get brave and try an Oxford Fog.
steeped English Breakfast tea, with hazelnut and frothed milk. at least that's how they do it up here in Seattle.........one word, YUM.
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Old 11-26-2017, 05:10 PM
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lol I goy my chai today and it was SOOO good. I savoured every last drop, while looking at the studio I am going to be in two nights from now.

There is a place here in playa that they make turmeric maca chai tea made with almond milk. I can't even tell you how amazing it is.

I was angry today. The hearing of him blowing his nose, sounding with a cold and nasal and acting like everything is okay and normal really triggered me. I didn't react though, I just ignored him.

He doesn't deserve my reaction. And I know he won't miss me while I am gone either. We've been roommates for years and it hurt me when he emailed me to say he still loves me and he wants to make things work.
He won't even notice I am gone, but I hope once I am gone, he can finally be happy.
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Old 11-26-2017, 05:18 PM
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What Anvilhead said!

And at the moment make sure you clear your browsing history from your computer/phone. No need to give a crumb trail to where you are posting and what you've been doing.

After the initial move, when you do visit your home to pick up more stuff, is there any way you can bring a friend with you? Is there anyway that you can start bringing stuff into the Airbnb, or, in the case of documents, into a safe deposit box, so you don't have to make multiple visits?
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Old 11-26-2017, 05:36 PM
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^^^

Ditto that. Leaving can be a very dangerous time. Stay safe.
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Old 11-26-2017, 06:09 PM
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He can't access any of my computers or phones, they are all fingerprint protected (you are talking to a computer programmer here ).
My cleaning lady will bring me fresh clothes to my new Airbnb, she comes and cleans my home twice a week.

He won't do anything, I know that. He is too busy planning his party schedule for the friend that is coming to visit him from Toronto. That's why I decided to also leave early. He will get slapped with reality when he gets to Toronto, in the meantime, he is too stoned to realize what's going on and too horny for the strippers to miss me.
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Old 11-27-2017, 04:03 AM
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Oh my god, I need that. I've been having a lot of muscle tension and this sounds great.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i suggest you "chai" people get brave and try an Oxford Fog.
steeped English Breakfast tea, with hazelnut and frothed milk. at least that's how they do it up here in Seattle.........one word, YUM.
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Old 11-27-2017, 05:51 AM
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First "lightbulb" moment

I have spent a lot of time looking at my marriage from a "spectator"-type angle rather than with my emotional glasses and this morning I had my first aha moments. I have been asking myself over and over why he seeks these drugs, women, gambling, etc... and I think I kind of get it now.

Nov 7th is when I signed the contract for the condo to start renting it as a vacation rental. He was excited to work together. I met the owner and after I came back, my AH asked me how it was and I proceeded to tell him about my son's bday and how I think he had a drinking issue (he got really wasted, drove drunk, embarrassed himself at a kid's party, etc...)

Clearly I was really bothered by it and it triggered me when he told me he is excited to help me. Expressing my feelings to him has always been a problem, because he would always tell me all I do is complain. I could never share anything other than "happy" with him, even if it was a major concern, like his drinking and driving.

When I told him that I don’t want to work with him, because I can’t trust him, that I don’t want to worry he will go smell like weed and be unreliable, he got very offended. He went for a walk, came back with dinner and at dinner, he told me that if I don’t want him to work with him, I can just **** off. I told him that I base my decision on my experience and he really lost it on me, verbally abusing and yelling in front of our son. I locked myself in the bedroom and he sent me a message saying that he thinks I am the one with alcohol problem maybe and then went for a walk and came home at 6am, completely out of it.

That’s the night he went to strip joint and cheated on me and that’s the night I will use as proof, I am sure it happened other times, but this one in particular… I think I understand why he goes there now. I understand why he has always been attracted to parties, strippers, drugs, etc..

He pays those women and they make him feel wanted, they make him feel like a king, something he doesn’t feel like at home. He loves to buy everyone drinks, he is in his element at these places. Someone that is mature would inquire within himself as to how he can be a better man and husband, but he rather “punish me” and seek that dopamine pleasure, because hearing it over and over that he isn’t good enough at home makes me seek that “want” somewhere else. A normal brain would seek within to see why that is happening with his marriage. I am not saying I am perfect and my constant nagging wasn’t a negative thing, I own my ****. All of it.

I am only trying to understand why he behaves the way he does.
His brain is incredibly dependent to that reward system of gambling, women and cocaine/drugs.

Strippers and stranger women never question his integrity, never know who he is. It’s a business to them to make men feel good. I know because that’s what strippers do. I am sure they like him too, because he is a likeable guy, but the initial contact is cocaine and money. They make him feel wanted because they know he doesn’t feel that at home. I have friends that are strippers and tell me 90% of their clients are married men. From their point of view, they don’t do anything wrong and I certainly don’t blame them and I agree with them. It's their job.

Immature and insecure (married) men go and seek pleasure that they don’t find at home. I know it’s a two-way street and I am sure some of my behaviour pushed him there. He avoids conflict, criticism and life in general and SAYING he wants to work together and DOING that never matched his behaviour. To actually do the work in working on the marriage requires him to NOT go to the strip joint, not do cocaine and NOT cheat and seek to understand the problem and act in the benefit of both parties, not selfishly to satisfy his sexual needs.

Once he discovered clubbing, drugs, gambling, strip joint and the escapism of that culture, he realized he could just pretend to be someone he wasn’t forever.

If you don’t believe that who you are is good enough, then you do E and everyone loves you, and then you do coke and you’re the ******* king of the world, why would you want to leave that world?

I learnt a lot from this marriage and from him, and for that, I am grateful. I have a lot of self-forgiveness to do and I have a lot of forgiving to do for him, but he doesn’t deserve a woman like me. Not only that, he doesn’t know how to appreciate a woman like me. All he knows is instant gratification and that’s what he will get in the end.

Tomorrow, is game time.
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Old 11-27-2017, 06:47 AM
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I find that anytime you look at a situation and think what would you tell your child to do in that situation, it will steer you clear and clear the fog out of your head, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Keep moving forward. You deserve so much more. I hope you find peace staying elsewhere, that sounds like a perfect plan.

Big hugs!
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