Hi there!
I'm sorry that things are not going well and you're so frustrated with yourself right now. I've been there. I'd make it two or three days and go back. What was worse, the cause of this vicious cycle was after I had been sober for almost 10 months and then I relapsed…
May I ask what happens to you when you stop drinking for a day? Most people when they first attempt to stop drinking don't just have to mourn the loss of giving up something that they've loved for so long. There's usually more to it.
Do you feel sick? Are you sweaty, shaky, anxious, itchy, depressed, sleeping all day, unable to sleep at night, and/or filled with a horrible feeling of dread? If you've been drinking heavily for at least the last 6 months or more, these symptoms are usually something that become normal. People may account that they're depressed or anxious, when it's really withdraw in some form.
People who asked me "How do you deal with hangovers?" My answer: I don't get hangovers. I'm fine for 12-24 hours and then I'm not good for several weeks after. A bloody Mary and a Denny's fry up does not help me.
Have you, (trust me I did NOT want to do this after I was trying to get sober and failed for the second, third, and umpteenth time) reached out to your family physician, ER, a detox center or anyone in the medical field. Even if you feel you're not suffering from physical withdrawl, if you're struggling with making it just one day you most likely are.
You may have heard some people taper off of booze, but it only works for a very small percentage and it's HELL. Don't beat yourself up if that's what you've tried. The failure rate when trying to do that is crazy high.
Whether you're going cold turkey or going slowly off of it, if you don't get medical help, not only can that be very dangerous, it's Extremely uncomfortable for a long time. It's why people usually fail without help. This then leads to more drinking because of the shame and disappointment.
I firmly believe you definitely CAN get sober. You don't have to check yourself into a fancy facility. At the very least, get some blood work done and advice. Addiction, especially alcoholism, is so prevalent these days that if a doc judges you, they are ignorant in their own field.
I like to compare getting sober/clean to somebody who is 600 pounds. Now, imagine if that 600 pound person has been binge eating several thousand calories a day and hasn't exercised for decades. A small few, a very, very small few, can set up their own healthy diet and exercise program with no medical supervision. They will stick with it long term or forever all on their own. They don't injure themselves and somehow their body accepts the changes without repercussions. It's so rare that this happens that those types of people end up in documentaries on the BBC.
You certainly don't seem like the type person that would look down at somebody in that situation and think they're weak and horrible if they can't stick with a diet and exercise plan even trying on day one. You would most likely tell them to use every resource at their disposal, especially medical supervision and peer support.
Get a check up. Confide in at least one close friend and medical professional. Besides finally admitting that things are getting out of control, what you've already done, these next steps will lay the groundwork to start you on the path of sobriety.
Don't give up.