Self Induced Psychological Warfare
I don’t know how people usually start out in something like this but I am emotionally smashed I need somewhere to let it out...he and I had great communication and in some cases still do but we don’t talk much about it these days without getting into an argument... and my friends well they are great but I won’t go to them with this because even though they would mean well I can’t deal with the extra negativity.
My mind is spinning like a wheel with no breaks on an indefinite path...
Short Bio: My father was an alcoholic and my mother loved him very much! She was with him until he died from cirrhosis of the liver and I was there too but the truth is I spent most of my adolescence being less than understanding...Cold and unbending with no sympathy is how I felt towards my father! Fast forward I soon realize the father of my daughter was a binge benzo taker and a vicious alcoholic especially if if ran into some coke to boot.... so eventually after several failed attempts at extended sobriety I left him and haven’t looked back...again cold and unbending so 3 years go by that I Never once introduced a man to my daughter until I met HIM...
I’m not a romantic but I knew on our first date that he was the guy I never wanted to let go of! He feels the same maybe not on that first date but it didn’t take him long...We think the same, we want the same things, we are two individuals who upon meeting found the other half of our souls...he is amazing with my little girl he considers her his...She loves him...I love him...but oh at the irony!
Three months into us dating he tells me he has something he has to tell me and he is ashamed and fearful of my reaction...he tells me he is a recovering heroin addict and had been clean for 3 years. I am mortified but I praise him for his strength and really! I go on as if it won’t ever be an issue... 4 months later if that was even true he slipped and he and I have been drowning ever since... In may of this year after a year of the most financially devastating actions I’ve ever experienced he got some control and went to a methadone clinic. It still took 3 more months for him to stabilize...I had just gotten to the point in my head with nearly 6 months of just the clinic and no known slips that I’m thinking it’s gonna be okay if we can keep strong so he starts to venture out on his own and my mind went crazy scared and paranoid that I would be fooled again. My mind starts spinning and I start looking closer, doubting everything, literally everything, and I start to think he has slipped so it’s a huge fight bc I admit my fear and he is adamant he didn’t! The syringes I found are old and I am making him want to go get high... so I stop verbalizing my fears with my mind going 24-7 and then when we are not even fighting days later I find another syringe...one that he can’t say is old and we missed it in the cleanup...he is apologetic and admits slipping but swears he immediately realized he couldn’t go back to that mess as we are the only things left that he hasn’t lost! Lol..don’t forget how cold and unforgiving I have been most of my life...Remember the irony...? But He says he’s taken the steps to fix it as he went up on the methadone! See he had been steadily dropping against the doctors and counselor’s recommendations bc he wants to be out from under any of it. So he went up to level out again and says he has taken all the precautions to avoid another slip.
Problem is I have no trust and can’t seem to let it go. He is frustrated as if I am making a big deal out of nothing.
The self induced mental warfare is me questioning everything, looking at everything, believing nothing and waiting for more evidence... How sick is that right?
It’s been a little over a week since the known slip ( I believe there were more before the red handed catch) and it makes him so mad that I doubt everything and it makes me so mad that he won’t be more understanding of why I have no trust left...
I want him to prove over time thru actions that he deserves my trust and I will give it to him but how am i supposed to repeatedly let my guard down and say “here’s the card, the car, I love you and I’ll see you when you get back” and not freak out the whole time he is gone and not search for evidence when he gets back and just be as is with out questions or concerns?
It doesn’t seem possible for me...
Plus at this point I’m starting to not care...or least that’s what I am telling myself...It hurts and I’m tired of hurting!
I have a college degree, a good job and could be doing just fine...I support myself my daughter (with no assistance from her biological father) and him...meanwhile the love of my life has no job, no car and a clinic bill that’s 450$ a month...plus legal fees not to mention the nauseating amount of debt he accrued in the last year. At times I feel like a push over but I’m not...I alway call him on it. But frankly I don’t know what to do anymore...My head won’t stop spinning to the negative!
He is applying for jobs...supposedly! I’m not sure I even believe that..that’s how bad it is...And I know he doesn’t want heroin to ruin anymore of his life but I’m failing at coping with the aftermath and I no longer seem to be able to offer Him the support he needs and the faith that he/we can overcome this!
No easy fix here just really needed to get some of this out...I hate that it’s so long but if you’ve been thru this than i imagine you know how much more I left out...
Thank you for the outlet!
Wish it wasn’t so!