Self Induced Psychological Warfare

Old 11-14-2017, 02:53 PM
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Self Induced Psychological Warfare

I donít know how people usually start out in something like this but I am emotionally smashed I need somewhere to let it out...he and I had great communication and in some cases still do but we donít talk much about it these days without getting into an argument... and my friends well they are great but I wonít go to them with this because even though they would mean well I canít deal with the extra negativity.

My mind is spinning like a wheel with no breaks on an indefinite path...

Short Bio: My father was an alcoholic and my mother loved him very much! She was with him until he died from cirrhosis of the liver and I was there too but the truth is I spent most of my adolescence being less than understanding...Cold and unbending with no sympathy is how I felt towards my father! Fast forward I soon realize the father of my daughter was a binge benzo taker and a vicious alcoholic especially if if ran into some coke to boot.... so eventually after several failed attempts at extended sobriety I left him and havenít looked back...again cold and unbending so 3 years go by that I Never once introduced a man to my daughter until I met HIM...

Iím not a romantic but I knew on our first date that he was the guy I never wanted to let go of! He feels the same maybe not on that first date but it didnít take him long...We think the same, we want the same things, we are two individuals who upon meeting found the other half of our souls...he is amazing with my little girl he considers her his...She loves him...I love him...but oh at the irony!

Three months into us dating he tells me he has something he has to tell me and he is ashamed and fearful of my reaction...he tells me he is a recovering heroin addict and had been clean for 3 years. I am mortified but I praise him for his strength and really! I go on as if it wonít ever be an issue... 4 months later if that was even true he slipped and he and I have been drowning ever since... In may of this year after a year of the most financially devastating actions Iíve ever experienced he got some control and went to a methadone clinic. It still took 3 more months for him to stabilize...I had just gotten to the point in my head with nearly 6 months of just the clinic and no known slips that Iím thinking itís gonna be okay if we can keep strong so he starts to venture out on his own and my mind went crazy scared and paranoid that I would be fooled again. My mind starts spinning and I start looking closer, doubting everything, literally everything, and I start to think he has slipped so itís a huge fight bc I admit my fear and he is adamant he didnít! The syringes I found are old and I am making him want to go get high... so I stop verbalizing my fears with my mind going 24-7 and then when we are not even fighting days later I find another that he canít say is old and we missed it in the cleanup...he is apologetic and admits slipping but swears he immediately realized he couldnít go back to that mess as we are the only things left that he hasnít lost! Lol..donít forget how cold and unforgiving I have been most of my life...Remember the irony...? But He says heís taken the steps to fix it as he went up on the methadone! See he had been steadily dropping against the doctors and counselorís recommendations bc he wants to be out from under any of it. So he went up to level out again and says he has taken all the precautions to avoid another slip.

Problem is I have no trust and canít seem to let it go. He is frustrated as if I am making a big deal out of nothing.

The self induced mental warfare is me questioning everything, looking at everything, believing nothing and waiting for more evidence... How sick is that right?

Itís been a little over a week since the known slip ( I believe there were more before the red handed catch) and it makes him so mad that I doubt everything and it makes me so mad that he wonít be more understanding of why I have no trust left...

I want him to prove over time thru actions that he deserves my trust and I will give it to him but how am i supposed to repeatedly let my guard down and say ďhereís the card, the car, I love you and Iíll see you when you get backĒ and not freak out the whole time he is gone and not search for evidence when he gets back and just be as is with out questions or concerns?

It doesnít seem possible for me...

Plus at this point Iím starting to not care...or least thatís what I am telling myself...It hurts and Iím tired of hurting!

I have a college degree, a good job and could be doing just fine...I support myself my daughter (with no assistance from her biological father) and him...meanwhile the love of my life has no job, no car and a clinic bill thatís 450$ a legal fees not to mention the nauseating amount of debt he accrued in the last year. At times I feel like a push over but Iím not...I alway call him on it. But frankly I donít know what to do anymore...My head wonít stop spinning to the negative!

He is applying for jobs...supposedly! Iím not sure I even believe that..thatís how bad it is...And I know he doesnít want heroin to ruin anymore of his life but Iím failing at coping with the aftermath and I no longer seem to be able to offer Him the support he needs and the faith that he/we can overcome this!

No easy fix here just really needed to get some of this out...I hate that itís so long but if youíve been thru this than i imagine you know how much more I left out...

Thank you for the outlet!

Wish it wasnít so!
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Old 11-14-2017, 03:06 PM
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Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like you've pretty much decided to move on. You said it's not possible for you to trust him, so that says a lot. I hope that you find some peace.
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Old 11-15-2017, 01:23 PM
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Hi Anna,

Thank you for the welcome! I honestly don't know where I am at... but I can see how it sounds like I am ready to move on... SOME DAYS I am... because on those days I can't focus on any of the good and I know it doesn't sound like there is any good but there is. I don't know why but I felt better just to have put some of it out there yesterday and you know what else? I felt guilty for not mentioning any of the good! I got over it though and decided this was for me to get some of it out with out the judgement, sympathy or even fear that comes from sharing . For now I think I need this outlet... I've never actually used a forum of any sort so it is all new to me... Any recommendations on where I should go from here?

Thanks again!
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Old 11-15-2017, 10:33 PM
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It might be helpful for you to see a therapist that has some experience with addiction. Just talking this stuff out with a neutral party can be life-changing.

There is no easy answer here, as I suspect you realize. But you can't change him, and he won't get sober until he really WANTS to. Staying with him might just be enabling the addiction to continue.

It's clearly not good for YOU.
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Old 11-16-2017, 04:44 AM
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So sorry you are going through this.

What you've described sounds devastating and very unhealthy for you and your daughter. Your story reminds me of episodes of 'Who on Earth did I Marry' to be honest. It starts out unbelievably great and spins out of control to very bad in a short period of time, with a lot of deceit in the works.

I also think your mistrust of him is well justified and I find it very worrying that he 'gets so mad' at you for being suspicious when he has proven time and again to be very deceitful and keeps on 'slipping'. Again, just the thought of those syringes lying around the house (although he may be attempting to hide them) is plain scary. You have your daughter in the same house (I assume he lives with you).

If you are unsure about whether you should leave him, I'd advise you to give that option some serious thought. You don't owe this man (not that you have mentioned yet) anything. He definitely should not fit your description of being the love of your life anymore since I don't imagine that you'd want the love of your life to be an active addict.

Please do seek out therapy for yourself and support from Al Anon and the equivalent for Narcotics. You have a long history with substance abuse (even though you were never the abuser yourself). You may have a lot of work to do to heal yourself.

Please continue to use SR. There's a lot of support here. I wish you strength on your journey.
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