Thank you so much for the time you all took to respond to me. I have been feeling quite alone in this mess and it saddens me to see so many of us here going through this. It does bring me some calmness because I never really had a support group where I shared my personal experience and not feel like it's my fault. I truly saw the best in him, he is a great guy, but with a lot of deamons that I really can't fight on his behalf anymore. I tried. For 10 years. I can only fight my own.
My son is my world and he loves his daddy very much and I know my AH loves our son too the best he can. But from the bottom of my heart I believe that daddy will be a better dad away from us. Even if my personality, or my anger or whatever reasons my AH gave me for his reasons to binge, if he is away from me, maybe he will be happier, less stressed, more free and more in control of his choices.
My son is very intelligent and he has been asking questions about this situation and all I can come up with is: "daddy is a wonderful man with a big heart and I love him very much. But daddy made some really bad decisions that have consequences and some of these consequences are that he can't be around us all the time". He seems to understand and hopefully after my AH is out of our home, the energy can shift a little. I am definitely responsible for making that happen and I will continue to be the better person for all of us.