I am so disappointed in myself

Old 11-11-2017, 07:58 AM
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Unhappy I am so disappointed in myself

I made a post back in 2015 and I was extremely proud of myself for kicking my AH out of the home. My future looked bright and I was able to breathe deeply and writing a plan for my son and I on how to continue without my AH.
He has been using cocaine socially when he parties. I knew he loved to party as we met in a club. I grew out of the scene, and I never did cocaine, but he did it behind my back. My fault was to close my eyes and pretend he didn't, with hopes it was just a phase.
We got married and we had a son. While I was struggling with lack of sleep and raising the little one, he would wait for me to fall asleep and sneak out and go party and do drugs. Eventually I got fed up and kick him out. Of course, he apologized and told me he will change, he doesn't want to lose his family.

We moved to a different town to start a new life. We had dreams to work together and rent places on Airbnb. We moved to Playa del Carme Mexico and he quickly found his cocaine and drugs, it was the first thing he searched. I kicked him out again and I swore I would not take him back. I didn't have a job, money and I was in a LOT of debt. Some of it was from the money he stole from me, but I knew that if I wanted to have a different life, I needed to simply own up and fix the mess myself.

With no job, debt and not able to work in a town where I didn't have a visa, I managed to build a very successful online business, pay off my debt and also build some savings. In the meantime, he swore and promised he stopped cocaine and he is now a new man.

I took him back and we renewed our vows. I felt so lucky, because I finally got my happy ending story. Things haven't changed though. He would drink and use drugs while I was gone on business trips, but I was too busy with my work to worry about that. I asked him to watch over our son while I met my clients and the first time I went away, he decided to take our son to a bar to watch the flight. Harmless, except he was waisted and when I got back, our son looked like he was neglected, didn't sleep and eat. I started to worry and I brought this up to him, because it was a concern.

That's when his true colors came out. He started telling him I control him, I need to trust him and that I am always angry with him. Then he would say I stress him out and he needs to go for a walk... and come back at 4-5am, completely out of his mind. I started taking pictures and videos of all of this.

He rented a car several times and drove us drunk home. I had no idea he drank until we got on the road and noticed he wasn't really paying attention.
For our son's 5th bday party, he decided to get completely annihilated and when the party ended, we had to drive home. I asked for the car keys and he called me all kinds of names in front of his friends, saying I am making up things and that he is fine and to trust him. Where we live, it's dangerous to be outside and flag a taxi, so my choice was to risk trying to get a taxi to get home or get in a car with a drunk man and pray to God we get home safe.
I have never held my son so tight in my entire life the way I did that evening on our way home. When he got home, he passed out naked while our son was playing with his LEGO beside him. I took a picture of that. Two days later, we got into an argument because I indicated I don't want to work with him on our rental condo and that offended him.

He started screaming at me for being a bitch and I kept asking him to keep his voice down and not say these these in front of our son. He totally ignored my request after which I locked myself and my son in our room.

He sent me a message saying that I am the one that has a problem with alcohol and that he is going for a "walk". He came back at 5am and I have never seen him so ****** up. He was so out of it, he was unable to unlock the front gate and started banging. I was scared he would wake up the neighbours, so I got up and unlocked the gate. I said nothing to him other than give him a glass of water and close the door.

I am very disappointed in myself for allowing this to unfold for this long. If I stayed away from him in 2015, by now I would have probably been in much better emotional state and my son would not have experienced all this nonsense.

I sent half of our savings and asked him to move out by December. He will be visiting family, so when he is gone, I will change the locks. My name is on the lease and I have enough evidence to prove he puts me and my son in danger. I hate it has come to this and I am incredibly crushed. I loved him a lot and this time around, it's so hard to go through this, but I can't allow this to continue any longer. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to be the reason of his "stress" and I certainly feel I deserve better. I don't know what better is, but anything other than this is better.

I know I have my own share in this mess. I am certain reacting to him a lot, belittling him and getting violent towards him at times doesn't make me a saint. I just want to be a better person and I want to be free of this mess.

No idea where to even pick up the pieces of my heart, one day at the time I guess.

Last edited by Soulful; 11-11-2017 at 08:07 AM. Reason: Added text
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Old 11-11-2017, 08:11 AM
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Is it too late to unsend those funds? It might make more sense to hold them back until he’s out of the house because my guess is he will just use them to binge and then claim he has no money to move.

I don’t know what your rights are legally... I don’t know if you have to file for divorce here or if you can there. Have you talked to an attorney?

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Sending you a hug.
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:26 AM
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Soulful...I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles. I hope you will take the time to read through them....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

there is sooo much to learn. One of the fu ndamental things that you will learn is that with a using alcoholic/addict....words and promises are meaningless....because they can't keep them (even if they wish they can).....they have to be in genuine recovery for a long time...one or two years of solid sobriety, before they can even begin to trust themselves...

I don't know if they have alanon in Mexico....which would be of great support for you....but, if not...there are also alanon podcasts and alanon talks on youtube.....
If you didn't read "CO-Dependent No More"....now would be a good time....it is an easy read and you will probably find that it will resonate with you, a lot......
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Old 11-11-2017, 11:05 AM
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Oh boy... thank you for those links. I am reading through the red flags right now and it's like an ice bucket being thrown at my face.

I read the book and ever since I did, I focused on my business, my health and my friendships. I actually decided to accept things "as is" and focus on my personal growth. I am a work in progress and always will be, but I feel restless in my own home. I am embarrassed to bring him with me and go out with my friends, so I go with my son or I end up not going. He doesn't know how to have fun besides smoking, drinking or losing control. He calls me boring and tells me I have to accept that once in a while he needs to go crazy. I don't accept that, certainly not when he is drinking wasted or unable to even unlock the gate and wakes everyone up.

When verbal abuse and shame and driving under the influence and neglecting my son started to repeat, I started to panic.
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Old 11-11-2017, 04:18 PM
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So sorry for what you are going through. Don't for one second beat yourself up or be disappoint in YOU. It's HIM who should be disappointed. He's let you all done after you gave him another chance. You did what you thought was right and because you wanted to believe in him and your relationship and that ok. What you are doing now is taking the right steps to remove you and your son and that's so hurtful and painful but obviously the right thing to do. Why does the right thing sometimes feel so painful though? I wish I knew. I'm going through the same. The love for the straight clean version of that personnel still there and I would give my all to have him all the time but he's only there fleetingly if at all now. I am filled with pure rage and hatred for the addict and the addict behaviours. You are right you do deserve better and so does your son. Sending you strength xx
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Old 11-11-2017, 06:53 PM
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Welcome back Soulful and so so sorry that you have a need to come back.

I actually spent some time in Playa del Carmen years ago. It is a very beautiful place and unfortunately, a great place to be if you have a drug or alcohol problem as your lifestyle blends in with all the tourists whooping it up . . . sigh.

On the positive side, I went to a wonderful AA meeting in Playa del Carmen. By now there may very well be Alanon meetings there too.

Keep taking whatever next right step to get yourself out of this situation. I am so impressed that you have developed an online business. That is amazing!
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Old 11-11-2017, 09:14 PM
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Sorry for your circumstances, but glad you are here. Obviously you are a capable, amazing person. I pray for good things for you. IMHO, I’d move on, take care of your self and son.
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Old 11-12-2017, 05:55 AM
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Bekindalways yes, thank you so much for posting that. I am going to try and reach out to the group. There are Spanish and English groups here and I don't mind attending either as I speak both languages.

What really messes up my mind is the acting "normal" afterwards. This is by far what I struggle with emotionally, because it makes me second guess myself. There is no second-guessing this time, especially when I hear him blow his nose, cough and sound so awful, but it's almost a trigger in my brain when I see him act normal like nothing happened. I feel like I am going crazy, like maybe I am really blowing things out of proportion. The photos and videos I have taken of him are a great reminder and they are real, but my emotions are very unstable when he behaves like there is no elephant in the room at all.

I would love to read more into this and how to properly deal with it, because as of right now, I just beat myself up and fight with my thoughts of: "maybe it's not a big deal, maybe I am making up stuff..."
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:43 AM
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Soulful.....any one of us who has ever had a using alcoholic under our roof can attest that it IS A BIG DEAL. It is a special form of @ell that an addict of any kind can impose on the ones around them.
Do not forget...they often do not remember the awful things that they say or do while they are intoxicated....and it is worse if any drugs are on board while they are drinking. Often, we do not know the total amount that they have on board at any given time, either.
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:55 AM
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Soulful,

I have been on/off this board for years. I completely understand your "if onlys"...if only I had made a change back then, if only I could rewind time, if only I had noticed..., if only he could go back to the person he used to be, sadly the list is endless. However, I also believe in Divine timing...things happen when they should and everything up until then has been preparation, learning, and planning. Sending you some good energy and a big hug!
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:23 AM
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Our stories are very similar. I lived with my ex fiancé for a year and I share so many similar events with you.

I remember going out to dinner with him to celebrate our anniversary and the night being a disaster. A silent and calm restaurant and the drunk guy making a mess, bothering the other couple eating peacefully next to us, drunk-driving after I got pissed and the name-calling directed even at my family who cared about him so much. After all this he stopped at an open bar and left me in the car waiting for more than 30 minutes, so I called a cab and went home knowing he would come back and things would go downhill again. Another night he was drunk driving again and I was scared and started an argument, so he stopped by the sidewall, dumped me there in the middle of nowhere and left home. Thank God there were a few taxis nearby and I could pick one. Never forgot the poor cab guy that calmed me down: "you can do nothing about him. Why do you wish this life for yourself". I wanted to die, felt it was my fault every single time. I feel so so sorry for what you've been through with your little boy because I've been there.

I'm sharing this one incident so you can see you're not alone with your sad experience, and even if I'm still speaking from a place of pure pain right now I say to you they just can't control. And they won't stick to their promises, I believe because they can't.

Don't listen to promises anymore. And don't beat yourself up for feeling bad but don't believe you're the bad one because you aren't. You can't make him change.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Soulful View Post
What really messes up my mind is the acting "normal" afterwards. This is by far what I struggle with emotionally, because it makes me second guess myself. There is no second-guessing this time, especially when I hear him blow his nose, cough and sound so awful, but it's almost a trigger in my brain when I see him act normal like nothing happened. I feel like I am going crazy, like maybe I am really blowing things out of proportion.
^^^^^ I believe this is called "Gas- lighting". I never experienced this but others here talk about it. It is probably in the stickies.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Soulful View Post
I know I have my own share in this mess. I am certain reacting to him a lot, belittling him and getting violent towards him at times doesn't make me a saint. I just want to be a better person and I want to be free of this mess.
Soulful, this resonated with me to the marrow of my bones. I just want to be a better person and free of this mess.

I told my AH just last night when asked about my commitment to him , "I don't want this for the rest of my life. I have a higher bar set for myself. When did YOU let your bar get set so low?" We didn't dream about this effed up nonsense when we were little girls. So.....we've made some mistakes ourselves. We do have the power to change, and it sounds like the last time you did, you did quite well.

My AH says this is supposed to be a GREAT WEEK!

In the meantime, I've got to buckle down and finish my school and get some financial issues in order. I say just forgive yourself for letting him back in your life (you did have a child with him and I so get wanting your "happily ever after") and forge ahead. Keep being the best mom you can be for your son! ((hugs))
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:51 AM
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This is gaslighting. I experienced this sort of manipulative behavior in my relationship with an addict. It will make you feel like you are going crazy. Often with addiction that is quite progressed, the addict starts being manipulative as part of their lying. They lie to themselves about how serious their problem is, they lie to you, and when they feel their fabricated "reality" is threatened, they try to manipulate reality in order to keep the lie going. Anyway, this is what my AH was like. Your gut feelings are always correct. It's not you that is crazy. It's the addict that's got things all mixed up.

Originally Posted by Soulful View Post
Bekindalways yes, thank you so much for posting that. I am going to try and reach out to the group. There are Spanish and English groups here and I don't mind attending either as I speak both languages.

What really messes up my mind is the acting "normal" afterwards. This is by far what I struggle with emotionally, because it makes me second guess myself. There is no second-guessing this time, especially when I hear him blow his nose, cough and sound so awful, but it's almost a trigger in my brain when I see him act normal like nothing happened. I feel like I am going crazy, like maybe I am really blowing things out of proportion. The photos and videos I have taken of him are a great reminder and they are real, but my emotions are very unstable when he behaves like there is no elephant in the room at all.

I would love to read more into this and how to properly deal with it, because as of right now, I just beat myself up and fight with my thoughts of: "maybe it's not a big deal, maybe I am making up stuff..."
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:55 AM
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Thank you so much for the time you all took to respond to me. I have been feeling quite alone in this mess and it saddens me to see so many of us here going through this. It does bring me some calmness because I never really had a support group where I shared my personal experience and not feel like it's my fault. I truly saw the best in him, he is a great guy, but with a lot of deamons that I really can't fight on his behalf anymore. I tried. For 10 years. I can only fight my own.

My son is my world and he loves his daddy very much and I know my AH loves our son too the best he can. But from the bottom of my heart I believe that daddy will be a better dad away from us. Even if my personality, or my anger or whatever reasons my AH gave me for his reasons to binge, if he is away from me, maybe he will be happier, less stressed, more free and more in control of his choices.
My son is very intelligent and he has been asking questions about this situation and all I can come up with is: "daddy is a wonderful man with a big heart and I love him very much. But daddy made some really bad decisions that have consequences and some of these consequences are that he can't be around us all the time". He seems to understand and hopefully after my AH is out of our home, the energy can shift a little. I am definitely responsible for making that happen and I will continue to be the better person for all of us.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
This is gaslighting. I experienced this sort of manipulative behavior in my relationship with an addict. It will make you feel like you are going crazy. Often with addiction that is quite progressed, the addict starts being manipulative as part of their lying. They lie to themselves about how serious their problem is, they lie to you, and when they feel their fabricated "reality" is threatened, they try to manipulate reality in order to keep the lie going. Anyway, this is what my AH was like. Your gut feelings are always correct. It's not you that is crazy. It's the addict that's got things all mixed up.
Yeah, which is the reason why I started taking pictures and photos, because I really started believing him when he said I am making up stories to start fights. He often says that I get angry at him for everything (which I do, my soul is screaming inside) and that I am making things bigger than they are. My personal "favourite" and the one that really hurts me is: "why aren't you a cool wife like others and be understanding? None of the wives are as controlling as you are. Maybe if you were less angry at me and created a peaceful home, I wouldn't have to do all this."
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Old 11-12-2017, 08:18 AM
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My personal "favourite" and the one that really hurts me is: "why aren't you a cool wife like others and be understanding? None of the wives are as controlling as you are. Maybe if you were less angry at me and created a peaceful home, I wouldn't have to do all this."
I was the "cool wife," very "understanding" - I basically let him do whatever he wanted to in the name of being "low maintenance." I rarely mentioned his drinking (when I did, he got SO angry), and I just did my best to survive.

I say that to point out this - regardless of our "approach" for dealing with the addict in our lives, whether we are passive or active, the end result for US as the partner is the same - we end up losing sight of who we are, or (if you had a dysfunctional upbringing like I did) we fall even further away from our true selves, becoming an empty shell of a person.

Big hugs to you. I hope you can break free for good this time. It's SO VERY hard, but it's worth it.
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Old 11-12-2017, 08:34 AM
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Soulful.....you will learn that all using alcoholics blame others for their actions and for their drinking. It is really necessary for t hem to do that (fro m their point of reasoning)....otherwise, they would have to take the responsibility, themselves!! Sooo much easier to blame their partner...especially if the partner is willing to take that blame.....!
It is called "deflection".....
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Old 11-12-2017, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Soulful.....you will learn that all using alcoholics blame others for their actions and for their drinking. It is really necessary for t hem to do that (fro m their point of reasoning)....otherwise, they would have to take the responsibility, themselves!! Sooo much easier to blame their partner...especially if the partner is willing to take that blame.....!
It is called "deflection".....
That's so interesting you say that, because the last couple of times, I actually took blame for it. The last time in particular, he came up with the amazing idea that if we go out and he wants to lose control like that, I will drive us home. I reminded him that last time I actually asked him for the keys, he screamed at me and called me names in front of our friends, that he is fine and that he is able to drive. He laughed.

I also told him:
"It's my fault you are stressed out, because I quit drinking coffee and my headaches made me very unpleasant to be around
It's my fault I am always angry at you because I have severe PMS symptoms"

Keep in mind, I never have any issues with anyone else around me but him and his reasoning for that is: well, they never spend 24 hours around you to really get to see who you are. The problem with his flawed reasoning is that he also doesn't spend 24 hours around me, because he is either never home, or I am in business trips.

Wow. I actually took the blame, you made me realize this now.
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Old 11-12-2017, 09:03 AM
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Soulful.....you will learn a lot in that l ink to the articles that I gave you. You will learn about detachment....and t he nat ural course of alcoholism, itself.....and you will learn about QUACKING, also.
Quacking is the word we use around these parts---it refers to the crazy, illogical, and false things that come out of an alcoholic's mouth. The things that make us just Krazy.
The suggested thing to do, when they spew such swill, is to mentally picture them as a little quacking duck.. Making a loud noise, yet, doing nothing but spouting hot air.
This allows US to "detach" from them and either totally ignore them (like you would with a toddler banging their head on the floor)....or just leave the immediate area or utter some kind of pacifying statement...like uhuh, or I heard you, or what an interesting point of view.....
The point of this is to help you avoid getting sucked into anther endless argument and stressing yourself out.
Another thing to visualize...is to see them with a large "S" on their forehead...to signify that it is their sickness talking.....
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