Soulful

I made a post back in 2015 and I was extremely proud of myself for kicking my AH out of the home. My future looked bright and I was able to breathe deeply and writing a plan for my son and I on how to continue without my AH.
He has been using cocaine socially when he parties. I knew he loved to party as we met in a club. I grew out of the scene, and I never did cocaine, but he did it behind my back. My fault was to close my eyes and pretend he didn't, with hopes it was just a phase.
We got married and we had a son. While I was struggling with lack of sleep and raising the little one, he would wait for me to fall asleep and sneak out and go party and do drugs. Eventually I got fed up and kick him out. Of course, he apologized and told me he will change, he doesn't want to lose his family.

We moved to a different town to start a new life. We had dreams to work together and rent places on Airbnb. We moved to Playa del Carme Mexico and he quickly found his cocaine and drugs, it was the first thing he searched. I kicked him out again and I swore I would not take him back. I didn't have a job, money and I was in a LOT of debt. Some of it was from the money he stole from me, but I knew that if I wanted to have a different life, I needed to simply own up and fix the mess myself.

With no job, debt and not able to work in a town where I didn't have a visa, I managed to build a very successful online business, pay off my debt and also build some savings. In the meantime, he swore and promised he stopped cocaine and he is now a new man.

I took him back and we renewed our vows. I felt so lucky, because I finally got my happy ending story. Things haven't changed though. He would drink and use drugs while I was gone on business trips, but I was too busy with my work to worry about that. I asked him to watch over our son while I met my clients and the first time I went away, he decided to take our son to a bar to watch the flight. Harmless, except he was waisted and when I got back, our son looked like he was neglected, didn't sleep and eat. I started to worry and I brought this up to him, because it was a concern.

That's when his true colors came out. He started telling him I control him, I need to trust him and that I am always angry with him. Then he would say I stress him out and he needs to go for a walk... and come back at 4-5am, completely out of his mind. I started taking pictures and videos of all of this.

He rented a car several times and drove us drunk home. I had no idea he drank until we got on the road and noticed he wasn't really paying attention.
For our son's 5th bday party, he decided to get completely annihilated and when the party ended, we had to drive home. I asked for the car keys and he called me all kinds of names in front of his friends, saying I am making up things and that he is fine and to trust him. Where we live, it's dangerous to be outside and flag a taxi, so my choice was to risk trying to get a taxi to get home or get in a car with a drunk man and pray to God we get home safe.
I have never held my son so tight in my entire life the way I did that evening on our way home. When he got home, he passed out naked while our son was playing with his LEGO beside him. I took a picture of that. Two days later, we got into an argument because I indicated I don't want to work with him on our rental condo and that offended him.

He started screaming at me for being a bitch and I kept asking him to keep his voice down and not say these these in front of our son. He totally ignored my request after which I locked myself and my son in our room.

He sent me a message saying that I am the one that has a problem with alcohol and that he is going for a "walk". He came back at 5am and I have never seen him so ****** up. He was so out of it, he was unable to unlock the front gate and started banging. I was scared he would wake up the neighbours, so I got up and unlocked the gate. I said nothing to him other than give him a glass of water and close the door.

I am very disappointed in myself for allowing this to unfold for this long. If I stayed away from him in 2015, by now I would have probably been in much better emotional state and my son would not have experienced all this nonsense.

I sent half of our savings and asked him to move out by December. He will be visiting family, so when he is gone, I will change the locks. My name is on the lease and I have enough evidence to prove he puts me and my son in danger. I hate it has come to this and I am incredibly crushed. I loved him a lot and this time around, it's so hard to go through this, but I can't allow this to continue any longer. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to be the reason of his "stress" and I certainly feel I deserve better. I don't know what better is, but anything other than this is better.

I know I have my own share in this mess. I am certain reacting to him a lot, belittling him and getting violent towards him at times doesn't make me a saint. I just want to be a better person and I want to be free of this mess.

No idea where to even pick up the pieces of my heart, one day at the time I guess.