I am so grateful again that you all are here. And I promise, NO ONE sounds like a broken record. The opposite in fact. More like music to my psyche.
I remembered something today. Something my memory hadn't forgotten but something I was learning to not bring to the fore front...again. He was/is abusive. I was/am scared of him. He becomes dominate in a domestic setting. He commits domestic violence. He did against his past wife. He did against me but not a full on punch. One occasion he shoved me down like he was going to beat me, because I drew a line and made him get up and told him he can't lay in my bed anymore on a crash. This was after he had been atrocious to me with his mouth. But he didn't beat me. Another, He grabbed my neck with one hand and threatened to put my head through the glass window. Saying you're not going to win" you're not going to win". But he didn't do it. He was trying to dominate me completely. I was petrified. Just because I got mad at him and told him to do something himself and walked off because he was being a jerk to me when I was only trying to help. We weren't even fighting. He is prone to it without being on anything but was re-thinking himself as he got older, learning to not let things get to him. (I believed he could get better if he became a sober man. I guess that's my excuse) I haven't even figured out why I went back to him. It's like a deep sense that if he becomes a new man then he could fix the trauma he caused. When he uses for a long stretch he has been/will be out right dangerous. I remember his eyes. It's like he's not even in there. But more like a demon or devil is inside him that wanted to hurt me. I am not being dramatic. I have been so scared that it seemed it could have been spiritual. I think that is what made me rationalize he could get better. If he never went there again he would be free from something evil. Over the last two years and in discipleship it seemed that the violent days where behind him. But what made me eery today is remembering something I dismissed during this last time I dove to visit him. It was just a fleeting sentence from him I caught for less than a second but was a bit strange. It very briefly expressed and indifference toward his co worker/roommate. Now as this comes to the surface I am sensing in my gut that he is dominating the couple he lives with. I can't fully prove it to myself but its there. I think this thought is an epiphany perhaps. The man is smaller in stature and I know on meth my ex loves to be the bigger man. This man also looks like he could be using drugs too. Also when I was there, my ex seemed very comfortable to say things he shouldn't according to who he told me the people are. He wasn't carrying himself in the humble with gratitude way one would staying as a temporary guest due to the grace of the owners. I just thought it was odd. It wasn't the environment i thought it was going to be. If they both are using or this guy is dealing maybe I bet my ex would have leverage over him to get to stay there as long as he wanted. I don't know why they would have him there otherwise. He becomes horrible to live with.
This is another long post but the images are coming at the speed of thought. It was today that I decided to BLOCK HIM. I am wobbly with it in my mind but it felt a little warm in my body when I did it. I am even setting my phone up so he cannot call me from another number. I think more today than any other day over the last two years that this is the right choice. I hope it's not just another of my fantasies. I need to trust something in my self.