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Tired and confused in reacting to my loved ones drug use

Old 11-05-2017, 03:17 PM
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Tired and confused in reacting to my loved ones drug use

Hello,
This ended up longer than I planned to type. I'm sorry. I hope some one reads it any way.
I have been in a 7 yr relationship off and on with a man who is addicted to methamphetamine. He as been through 2 in-house recovery programs as well as attending from time to time Celebrate recovery meetings. Right now he is in active use. He uses every 5-10days. I live now 2 1/2 hours away from him keeping contact with texting and FaceTime. He still loves me and misses me very much and wants me to live out there but I just can't. I love him too but I think I am becoming emotionally detached. Trying to put myself first. However, I still panic and feel guilty when suddenly I don't hear from him. I can't seem to control it. I am afraid to let go all the way. That he is going to die. I was planning to go see him for the weekend but it went bad when I got there and I think this time it was because of me. This visit would have been the second in 3 months. I have come to the point where I am dreading going to see him now. I'm hypervigilant with every little nuance of his that seems off. Even if a text is off. I have driven an hour to another city to visit him on the promise he would be clean. He would seem like he'd been clean on the phone but by the time I would get there he'd be high. I feel ambushed and my heart rate goes up and I am beside myself when it happens. I always re believe that this time it's going to work. This last visit I drove over 2 hours. He was disappointed because I drove there later than planned. I left later because the night before I didn't get any sleep because the last text I received seemed off and I was so nervous I was going to be blindsided the next day. I took something to sleep and slept in. I even explained my struggle to him before heading out, wondering if he still wanted me to come. He was upset but said yes. As soon as I pulled up and got out of my truck, something was off about him. He seemed like he had used. His persona, his voice, his nervousness. I looked him in the face letting him know I knew. I'm always so uncomfortable and afraid when he's high. I don't like being around him. He's a different being. I'm not a real person to him. I'm a sex object.
I was ready to leave and go back home but he was adamant that he hadn't used. He even said if I leave because of this bulls*** he is going to get high as f***. He wanted this visit too. I know he did. He said he was working with chemicals fixing a truck. That he his sensitive to them. It is true that he was working with them. I became confused because his pupils were not dilated. Every other time there was no question because of his pupils. But still, I couldn't shake my feelings. I was crushed. I did not want to be fooled again. So I left. I stopped my truck on the highway and texted him that I was sorry that my mind was messed up. He said please come back. I did go back for a while but then left again confused and angry. I just didn't believe him. Today I feel very guilty because what if he was telling the truth. He missed me so much. But I still couldn't recover and trust. That is where I am now. I feel gaslighted. I don't know. I was scared and left. I believe when I left that he went and used a high amount. I feel terrible now. I make mistakes too.
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Old 11-05-2017, 03:35 PM
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I'm sorry for your situation. I think the bottom line is that you don't trust him and you don't believe him. That says it all. I think it's good that you are distancing yourself and trying to take care of you. I hope your boyfriend seeks support for his addiction. For you, you might check out AlAnon in your area for support.
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Old 11-05-2017, 03:56 PM
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Hi, bmd.
Welcome to SR.
I agree that distancing is a good idea.
You seem awfully enmeshed still though.
Could be time for a more serious distancing.
As in, “I am done. Good-bye.”
And turn off your technology.
Good luck.
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Old 11-05-2017, 04:10 PM
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Hello!

I'm sorry about what brings you here! This is the classic emotional blackmail: if you leave I'll get high as...

You are dating an addict who n active addiction: do you honestly expect him to be clean?

7 years of this... how much longer are you willing to take? As long as you take it, it will keep happening.

You deserve much better! Stop wasting your life with this person.
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Old 11-05-2017, 04:24 PM
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I agree with Anna - sounds like the trust is gone, and that happens. People can only take so much.

The emotional blackmail about he'll get high as **** if you leave? Kinda points to the fact he might not be done yet.

D
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Old 11-05-2017, 06:03 PM
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Thank you all for your response. I'm very grateful you and this forum are here.
Growing up and even ending my marriage I never imagined I'd be in this place. I was naive about so much before him.
I've been through the valleys in this relationship with him for so long. I am so tired and I have nothing but negativity and suspicion to offer him. What is more complicated for me is that I am quite a bit older than him. I'm getting even older and he seems to be staying the same or getting younger in his mind. You are right Dee74, his is not done yet. Sometimes I think I'm doing much better at letting his addiction and behavior be his business and his problem. But I still lose my footing. I mean he is an adult and has the freedom to live his life on his terms. When he is high he makes that clear. I even try not to judge or criticize him about it.. But that doesn't mean I'm able to be near it. So I told him if he wants to visit with me and have a nice time together he has to be clean more than just a week. I know how he is on it and his crashes after. When he has been off for a week and it's mostly out of his system he whole heartedly agrees and somewhat resembles, even in the pitch of his voice, the man I still love. But also, the man who is feeling the pain of not being enough for me. He was excited at me coming. He always wants to impress me. He bought special food he wanted to cook and we were going to go to church together like we love to do. We were going to try to be us for just a time but I'm just too leery and guarded.. I pulled away and left like a confused wounded child and it hurt him but I truly can't help it. I NEVER get used to it. . I experience fight or flight every time. Yet I also begin to grieve him not being with me anymore either. I'm tired and I don't have any faith. I don't even want to support him though another discipleship/recovery program. I have a deep sense of grief inside me because of it. I want my freedom. He is an severely abused wounded human being who didn't have the childhood he needed to be thriving and loving himself. His family are addicts. His friends are. So I come along and don't play that role with him. I am probably the only person he is connected to that doesn't dwell in the drug taking world. Being with me is a safe haven for him but living the sober life with me is so unfamiliar to him. He can't get comfortable in my lifestyle. But he doesn't want to lose me. At least he didn't. I don't know how he is right now.
My mind doesn't seem to work the same anymore. I have no creative energy or hope for us. But, I do still battle guilt knowing he is suffering and when i go for good he might not make it. I just don't know how I could make it through that believing my exit from his life may launch his overdose and death. I am so torn. This is the hurdle I can't seem to get past. I think I can grieve losing him from my life. But I desperately want him to live and not give up. I don't want to grieve his death.
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Old 11-05-2017, 07:33 PM
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Hi, bmd.
If we could love someone into recovery, this site wouldn’t exist.
Sadly, we can’t.
I could be wrong, and this is my opinion only, but I’m sensing a kind of rescue vibe here.
It’s good that you feel you can provide a safe haven for him, but....
End of the day, that doesn’t matter one bit. In fact, it’s not wonderfully helpful for either one of you.
Saying this gently: He will continue to use, and to use you, as long as you allow it.
Peace.
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Old 11-06-2017, 04:38 AM
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Hello!

From your last post it seems like you feel responsible for his well-being and even his life. The emotional blackmail is working. Please step back and take a look at the situation from another perspective, what would you tell yourself?

This is a grown adult. Do you feel responsible for his life?

What about your life? Aren't you responsible for that?

Take this chance and start anew without all this baggage! You deserve better!!!
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Old 11-06-2017, 05:40 AM
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Hello bmd, big hugs to you. I've met many people over the years who take drugs (often friends of friends etc). Simple advice: Don't trust heroin, crack or meth. They turn good people into liars and thieves (in my experience, 100% of the time). Sometimes people get clean and can become wonderful people again, but it takes a long time.

If I recommended this person to you as a blind date, with the information you included in your post, would you accept?
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Old 11-06-2017, 06:40 PM
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Thank you again everyone.
You know what? I think I make myself too important. Ironically I borrowed that from him. He's always communicated how special i was to him. It just flowed from him naturally when he wasn't high. He spoke it with such conviction that I believe I am uniquely important to him. However, he and I both know I cannot fill the void he has due to his very low self esteem. He wants to make himself feel different so often because he becomes so down. He can put on an arrogant front and not even realize the effect he has on others. I no longer am emotionally available to impact him in the way I used to. I used to be ga ga over him. He has an old fashioned way and he gave me so much genuine attention. I did want to be his wife. I am always expressively proud of him at what he sets out to accomplish because without drugs he is high functioning and hard working. Not lazy. But he needs more recognition and attention than I can give him. He wants to be treated like a "real man". He forgets the hell he put me through, the vile things he said, the aggression against me, and the betrayal acts he engaged in when he was high and when he was crashing and when he wasn't available to me for a year and then later 6 months because he was in discipleship/recovery. (The latter in which I drove up to see him regularly) Today he communicated to me through text that he's ready to be done. He wants to just move on and go his own direction. That he loves me and will always love me, will be praying for me but that he wants to be free. That he is confident in himself and wants a woman who is confident in him, enjoys being around him and makes him feel good about himself...Makes him feel worthy. That was painful and a relief at the same time. Like he's saying even though I tried, I failed him as a woman. I didn't fail him anymore than he failed me. We were a May/December couple where he was the pursuer and that had it's own unique problems (for example, family and peer non/acceptance at first) and had he truly thought it through and could commit to me through my aging. For a time, with his love, I truly believed it was possible. After a while of being with him and learning the nuances then later his outright antics, I could never feel secure that he would keep his word. He has broke up with me politely before and every time he was high. Then came to regret it later. Today responded by not defending myself. I thanked him for his prayers. I said I was sorry I made him feel bad. That off drugs and happy "You're the best!" I confessed that I am insecure and just too old now and I know he needs more than me. (I'm not completely believing this about myself as I believe my insecurity and tiredness come mostly from this relationship). That I don't know if I will even find anyone else I love as much as him but I have hope that life will change. That right now I need to help my parents (my father has terminal cancer and my mother is not able to care for him properly). That they need me and I still need them.
Was that a good response? Should I have been more honest about the **** he's actually been. I wanted to give him and me the release. I don't want to fight for the relationship.
BUT, my real problem is being strong if he calls me or wants to talk in a few days. I want to take this ball and run with it. If he doesn't contact me all on his own when he is sober, It's a perfect break up! However I can shake that I think it's because he is high. I'm not buying it. I don't know if going no contact when he is high is the right thing. I want him to want to move on even when he's sober. I'll feel like he is truly going to be ok and I can freely feel all the anger I have and all the sadness and all the love i still have and press through and let him go. And then feel the lonely freedom I'm facing until I see more for my life.
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Old 11-06-2017, 07:02 PM
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"If I recommended this person to you as a blind date, with the information you included in your post, would you accept?"[/QUOTE]
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Old 11-06-2017, 08:43 PM
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Hi again.
I don't know if I'm posting too much at one time. I just posted a long one about 2 hours ago. I can feel the grief coming on. I'm a little bit scared and very sad. I don't want this to be for nothing. I don't want him to contact me. I want to know he didn't even try so I can finally fully feel it and except it. Which means i will desperately want him to contact me. I want to get through this and see what is left of me. My story with him is ending and it is so painful. He borrowed my heart for 7 1/2 years. Hearts aren't meant to be borrowed.
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Old 11-07-2017, 12:01 AM
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I don't know why exactly, but your posts keep making me think of a thread I once read on here, even though you haven't said exactly what fits in with the discription. Anyway, I'll give you the link because sometimes things can come to mind for a reason. If its way off beam then obviously ignore it.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ve-bomber.html (The Love Bomber)

Whatever. I would say that you are not happy being with him while he's still active in his addiction, and it doesn't sound like he's ready to get clean. And you can't make him want that or be ready to do the (very hard) work that it will entail. Just like you can't learn to ride a bike for someone you love.

I think its important to be realistic about the choices, which are...
1) Be with him and accept that he will use drugs and treat you like dirt at times
2) Move on and spend time with people who are capable of reciprocating genuine affection

It sounds like he's just kinda doing the old addict play-acting thing. Trying desperately to act being the person he wants to be (mature, manly, in control of a woman, a gentleman) - and you know, all these things are great aspirations, and may well be exactly who the clean version of himself could be. What put me in so much pain when I was still drinking was that I knew who I wanted to be. I still 'thought' my moral code when sober. But when I drank I lost my integrity, and was incapable of following through. What I thought and believed to be right was at odds with what I said and did. It meant my esteem was affected (ooooohh, best have a drink then!!) and eventually I ended up hating myself (again, I drank on that). Of course, drinking or using just perpetuated the cycle. To get that integrity back I needed to get sober. Take responsibility for myself. Accept my shortcomings and learn to deal with my insecurities in a different way. That's all recovery, and the first step has to be wanting to stop the insanity,get out of the vortex of use-act out - shame and being prepared to be a grown up. It took me til I was 41 to find that willingness, and I hurt a lot of lovely people in the couple of decades leading up to that. It might well take your Peter Pan some time to get to that stage as well. There is nothing you can do to get him there quicker, apart from allow him to face the consequences of his actions (which would involve you leaving him to it - hard as that might be).

I appreciate that it's painful though.

BB
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Old 11-07-2017, 04:37 AM
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Sorry to sound like a broken record but there it is again, the emotional blackmail. Telling you that you didn't make him feel one way or another it's the typical etc. We are not responsible for other people's happiness that only comes from within. I can assure you that until he works on his issues he will never be happy with anybody and the next woman it's going to fall victim to all the things he did to you.

I would suggest that you block him. That way you will know for sure that he can't contact you. Guessing and waiting game whether he will call or not it will be stressful so block him for certainty and will help you breathe a little bit easier. What's this about being treated like a "real man"?

I feel that you were blaming yourself for part of this when the only blame that you have is putting up with it not necessarily causing it.

Don't you want to live without worries and drama free? This man has put you through enough and he is not going to change. All the things that he saying and doing right now are part of the addict playbook just to keep the cycle going. Take it from us, we are experts in the subject.
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Old 11-07-2017, 04:51 AM
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Hi, bmd.
I think it is always, always difficult to admit and accept that a relationship isn’t all that we want it to be.
Especially one of seven years’ duration.
Nonetheless, addiction is a brick wall.
We can throw ourselves against it until the rapture.
The wall won’t break.
Best to walk away, I believe.
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Old 11-07-2017, 06:30 PM
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I am so grateful again that you all are here. And I promise, NO ONE sounds like a broken record. The opposite in fact. More like music to my psyche.
I remembered something today. Something my memory hadn't forgotten but something I was learning to not bring to the fore front...again. He was/is abusive. I was/am scared of him. He becomes dominate in a domestic setting. He commits domestic violence. He did against his past wife. He did against me but not a full on punch. One occasion he shoved me down like he was going to beat me, because I drew a line and made him get up and told him he can't lay in my bed anymore on a crash. This was after he had been atrocious to me with his mouth. But he didn't beat me. Another, He grabbed my neck with one hand and threatened to put my head through the glass window. Saying you're not going to win" you're not going to win". But he didn't do it. He was trying to dominate me completely. I was petrified. Just because I got mad at him and told him to do something himself and walked off because he was being a jerk to me when I was only trying to help. We weren't even fighting. He is prone to it without being on anything but was re-thinking himself as he got older, learning to not let things get to him. (I believed he could get better if he became a sober man. I guess that's my excuse) I haven't even figured out why I went back to him. It's like a deep sense that if he becomes a new man then he could fix the trauma he caused. When he uses for a long stretch he has been/will be out right dangerous. I remember his eyes. It's like he's not even in there. But more like a demon or devil is inside him that wanted to hurt me. I am not being dramatic. I have been so scared that it seemed it could have been spiritual. I think that is what made me rationalize he could get better. If he never went there again he would be free from something evil. Over the last two years and in discipleship it seemed that the violent days where behind him. But what made me eery today is remembering something I dismissed during this last time I dove to visit him. It was just a fleeting sentence from him I caught for less than a second but was a bit strange. It very briefly expressed and indifference toward his co worker/roommate. Now as this comes to the surface I am sensing in my gut that he is dominating the couple he lives with. I can't fully prove it to myself but its there. I think this thought is an epiphany perhaps. The man is smaller in stature and I know on meth my ex loves to be the bigger man. This man also looks like he could be using drugs too. Also when I was there, my ex seemed very comfortable to say things he shouldn't according to who he told me the people are. He wasn't carrying himself in the humble with gratitude way one would staying as a temporary guest due to the grace of the owners. I just thought it was odd. It wasn't the environment i thought it was going to be. If they both are using or this guy is dealing maybe I bet my ex would have leverage over him to get to stay there as long as he wanted. I don't know why they would have him there otherwise. He becomes horrible to live with.
This is another long post but the images are coming at the speed of thought. It was today that I decided to BLOCK HIM. I am wobbly with it in my mind but it felt a little warm in my body when I did it. I am even setting my phone up so he cannot call me from another number. I think more today than any other day over the last two years that this is the right choice. I hope it's not just another of my fantasies. I need to trust something in my self.
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Old 11-07-2017, 07:52 PM
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Blocking sounds like a really good idea.
Trust your gut.
Good thoughts and good luck.
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Old 11-07-2017, 08:44 PM
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Trust your gut and your instincts about safety. If you're afraid of him at any time...'listen' to that. Maybe he hasn't outright beat you, but he's been physical with you; he's laid hands on you. Abuse tends to escalate and often starts as verbal and becomes worse over time.
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Old 11-07-2017, 09:59 PM
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Please trust your gut. I feel like humans have developed a sense or gut instinct for danger but because of societal norms we don't listen to our "gut" as much. (Example: sketchy guy tries to chat you if you're a small female, he ends up following you, but you're too "polite" to tell him to GTFO.)

I think you know the answer to this conundrum but want validation for cutting him out of your life. YES, do not feel guilty, and do NOT listen to his manipulation.

I teared up listening to your abuse. Please know that this is not normal behavior, you did nothing to instigate such violence. Imagine if you had a sister or best friend who was being abused in the same situation. Wouldn't you tell them they deserve better and LEAVE and never look back? If you love your best friend/sister/etc, you've got to see that you show YOURSELF that same level of love!!!!

Hugs.
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:15 AM
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I'm proud of you for blocking him.

I said that because I have my own experience. There was a person that had been in my life ALL my life. This person brought me nothing but grief and sorrow my whole life. Finally earlier this year I decided to send them an email saying my peace and ending the relationship and right after I blocked them. Having them blocked eliminated the uncertainty of the fact that they were going to call or not. I just knew that they couldn't get a hold of me and that it was such a relief and peace of mind.

I am now focused on surrounding myself with positive people who add to my life and not take away.

The game is over! You are the boss!!!!!
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