Thank you again everyone.
You know what? I think I make myself too important. Ironically I borrowed that from him. He's always communicated how special i was to him. It just flowed from him naturally when he wasn't high. He spoke it with such conviction that I believe I am uniquely important to him. However, he and I both know I cannot fill the void he has due to his very low self esteem. He wants to make himself feel different so often because he becomes so down. He can put on an arrogant front and not even realize the effect he has on others. I no longer am emotionally available to impact him in the way I used to. I used to be ga ga over him. He has an old fashioned way and he gave me so much genuine attention. I did want to be his wife. I am always expressively proud of him at what he sets out to accomplish because without drugs he is high functioning and hard working. Not lazy. But he needs more recognition and attention than I can give him. He wants to be treated like a "real man". He forgets the hell he put me through, the vile things he said, the aggression against me, and the betrayal acts he engaged in when he was high and when he was crashing and when he wasn't available to me for a year and then later 6 months because he was in discipleship/recovery. (The latter in which I drove up to see him regularly) Today he communicated to me through text that he's ready to be done. He wants to just move on and go his own direction. That he loves me and will always love me, will be praying for me but that he wants to be free. That he is confident in himself and wants a woman who is confident in him, enjoys being around him and makes him feel good about himself...Makes him feel worthy. That was painful and a relief at the same time. Like he's saying even though I tried, I failed him as a woman. I didn't fail him anymore than he failed me. We were a May/December couple where he was the pursuer and that had it's own unique problems (for example, family and peer non/acceptance at first) and had he truly thought it through and could commit to me through my aging. For a time, with his love, I truly believed it was possible. After a while of being with him and learning the nuances then later his outright antics, I could never feel secure that he would keep his word. He has broke up with me politely before and every time he was high. Then came to regret it later. Today responded by not defending myself. I thanked him for his prayers. I said I was sorry I made him feel bad. That off drugs and happy "You're the best!" I confessed that I am insecure and just too old now and I know he needs more than me. (I'm not completely believing this about myself as I believe my insecurity and tiredness come mostly from this relationship). That I don't know if I will even find anyone else I love as much as him but I have hope that life will change. That right now I need to help my parents (my father has terminal cancer and my mother is not able to care for him properly). That they need me and I still need them.
Was that a good response? Should I have been more honest about the **** he's actually been. I wanted to give him and me the release. I don't want to fight for the relationship.
BUT, my real problem is being strong if he calls me or wants to talk in a few days. I want to take this ball and run with it. If he doesn't contact me all on his own when he is sober, It's a perfect break up! However I can shake that I think it's because he is high. I'm not buying it. I don't know if going no contact when he is high is the right thing. I want him to want to move on even when he's sober. I'll feel like he is truly going to be ok and I can freely feel all the anger I have and all the sadness and all the love i still have and press through and let him go. And then feel the lonely freedom I'm facing until I see more for my life.