Thank you all for your response. I'm very grateful you and this forum are here.
Growing up and even ending my marriage I never imagined I'd be in this place. I was naive about so much before him.
I've been through the valleys in this relationship with him for so long. I am so tired and I have nothing but negativity and suspicion to offer him. What is more complicated for me is that I am quite a bit older than him. I'm getting even older and he seems to be staying the same or getting younger in his mind. You are right Dee74, his is not done yet. Sometimes I think I'm doing much better at letting his addiction and behavior be his business and his problem. But I still lose my footing. I mean he is an adult and has the freedom to live his life on his terms. When he is high he makes that clear. I even try not to judge or criticize him about it.. But that doesn't mean I'm able to be near it. So I told him if he wants to visit with me and have a nice time together he has to be clean more than just a week. I know how he is on it and his crashes after. When he has been off for a week and it's mostly out of his system he whole heartedly agrees and somewhat resembles, even in the pitch of his voice, the man I still love. But also, the man who is feeling the pain of not being enough for me. He was excited at me coming. He always wants to impress me. He bought special food he wanted to cook and we were going to go to church together like we love to do. We were going to try to be us for just a time but I'm just too leery and guarded.. I pulled away and left like a confused wounded child and it hurt him but I truly can't help it. I NEVER get used to it. . I experience fight or flight every time. Yet I also begin to grieve him not being with me anymore either. I'm tired and I don't have any faith. I don't even want to support him though another discipleship/recovery program. I have a deep sense of grief inside me because of it. I want my freedom. He is an severely abused wounded human being who didn't have the childhood he needed to be thriving and loving himself. His family are addicts. His friends are. So I come along and don't play that role with him. I am probably the only person he is connected to that doesn't dwell in the drug taking world. Being with me is a safe haven for him but living the sober life with me is so unfamiliar to him. He can't get comfortable in my lifestyle. But he doesn't want to lose me. At least he didn't. I don't know how he is right now.
My mind doesn't seem to work the same anymore. I have no creative energy or hope for us. But, I do still battle guilt knowing he is suffering and when i go for good he might not make it. I just don't know how I could make it through that believing my exit from his life may launch his overdose and death. I am so torn. This is the hurdle I can't seem to get past. I think I can grieve losing him from my life. But I desperately want him to live and not give up. I don't want to grieve his death.