bmd1964

Hello,
This ended up longer than I planned to type. I'm sorry. I hope some one reads it any way.
I have been in a 7 yr relationship off and on with a man who is addicted to methamphetamine. He as been through 2 in-house recovery programs as well as attending from time to time Celebrate recovery meetings. Right now he is in active use. He uses every 5-10days. I live now 2 1/2 hours away from him keeping contact with texting and FaceTime. He still loves me and misses me very much and wants me to live out there but I just can't. I love him too but I think I am becoming emotionally detached. Trying to put myself first. However, I still panic and feel guilty when suddenly I don't hear from him. I can't seem to control it. I am afraid to let go all the way. That he is going to die. I was planning to go see him for the weekend but it went bad when I got there and I think this time it was because of me. This visit would have been the second in 3 months. I have come to the point where I am dreading going to see him now. I'm hypervigilant with every little nuance of his that seems off. Even if a text is off. I have driven an hour to another city to visit him on the promise he would be clean. He would seem like he'd been clean on the phone but by the time I would get there he'd be high. I feel ambushed and my heart rate goes up and I am beside myself when it happens. I always re believe that this time it's going to work. This last visit I drove over 2 hours. He was disappointed because I drove there later than planned. I left later because the night before I didn't get any sleep because the last text I received seemed off and I was so nervous I was going to be blindsided the next day. I took something to sleep and slept in. I even explained my struggle to him before heading out, wondering if he still wanted me to come. He was upset but said yes. As soon as I pulled up and got out of my truck, something was off about him. He seemed like he had used. His persona, his voice, his nervousness. I looked him in the face letting him know I knew. I'm always so uncomfortable and afraid when he's high. I don't like being around him. He's a different being. I'm not a real person to him. I'm a sex object.
I was ready to leave and go back home but he was adamant that he hadn't used. He even said if I leave because of this bulls*** he is going to get high as f***. He wanted this visit too. I know he did. He said he was working with chemicals fixing a truck. That he his sensitive to them. It is true that he was working with them. I became confused because his pupils were not dilated. Every other time there was no question because of his pupils. But still, I couldn't shake my feelings. I was crushed. I did not want to be fooled again. So I left. I stopped my truck on the highway and texted him that I was sorry that my mind was messed up. He said please come back. I did go back for a while but then left again confused and angry. I just didn't believe him. Today I feel very guilty because what if he was telling the truth. He missed me so much. But I still couldn't recover and trust. That is where I am now. I feel gaslighted. I don't know. I was scared and left. I believe when I left that he went and used a high amount. I feel terrible now. I make mistakes too.