Late husband was odd about money, too. It turned out he was taking money out of his IRA to supplement his unemployment insurance to fund his drinking. His investment person (who also did our taxes) let me know because of course, withdrawing the money created a tax burden. Once I knew, I told AH I wasn't going to be liable for his penalties. "I" statements worked really well for me. "I'm having an adequate amount withheld from my pay. I'm not paying for the penalties for money withdrawn from your retirement account. Anything over John's fee for doing our taxes is not my issue." That day, it stopped.