QuietToday

Mum is throwing me out. I'm almost thirty-years old, have been drunk everyday for nearly 8 years (for the past four I've understood my being an alcoholic and get 4-5 months sober each year), and in that time (but most especially the last year; worst year of my life) I've become a mess. I have panic attacks every other week, have tried to kill myself twice, have no friends anymore, have no money at all because I throw it all on benders (again, especially this year; really bad and really lost control every single day from Aug. 2016 until June this year; just insane, so ******* insane but I really didn't have control and didn't think I ever even would again so I'm happy that's done)), have terrible personal responsibility and my emotional maturity has regressed to a small child's, where even the slightest confrontation/acknowledgement of my lousy life sends tears right through my eyes.

I have a college degree, graduated with latin honors for my B.A., but I could never get a job; live in a bad area for skilled work and my being a lush and never taking control of my life means I never saved up anything so to try and take a stab at moving to where work is...

My only goals in life have been to move out of my mum's house, and to get a diploma so I wouldn't have to work unskilled work again because I hate it and my mind goes crazy with how boring and awful cutting open boxes and running registers and dragging pallet jacks is. I don't know where it all got so confused, or when I just lost sight of the connection that drinking and chain-smoking every day would mean I would never save up enough money so to take control of my life. I don't know why I've lived my life the way I have and I regret it all like hell but there's no going back and while it feels like I never could go forward I guess now is the time I sink or swim...

(I know it's childish, stupid thinking, but I'm so mad that only now is my mum acknowledging my drinking, when I've fostered all this madness and sadness and have spent this entire year trying to get a therapist on ******* obamacare which is seemingly impossible because when I'd go to AA, even when I'd been sober for four months this Summer, I'd have these insane breakdowns that weren't appropriate for AA and everyone there was nice but even they would say You need a counselor/therapist and need to work these things out, and I AM available for help finally, only this year have I started attending AA and reaching out to people, and I'm open to solving all this together and accepting help and being thankful and yet I couldn't find a therapist and the emotional problems have gotten so damn bad and now, ******* *now*, is when my mum decides "You're a loser; you have to get out." I know there's never an easy time but jesus at least when I was 23 and doing all the same **** I've been doing all these years later I at least had friends who might have been able to help me, or still had my younger arrogance and confidence to tackle something like homelessness a little better.... but now... I'm just having a panic attack thinking about this)

Anyway, she says she'll give me two weeks and then to get out and I guess she means it. I have no money, literally zero. I made a posting about a month ago saying I was really tempted to drink again after four months sober and that I wasn't going to do it--- but I did. And that's where what little money I had anyway went.
I've been sober now for about 3 days after I guess it was three weeks off before I caught myself. I honestly don't feel too bad about having drank again because I was able to catch it pretty quick; 3 weeks, anyway, just doesn't feel like such a terrible loss in contrast with my past. I went right over to AA and got all teary and then went home and flushed what I had down the sink...
But It's not working. The post I made in October details more the severity of emotional complexes I've developed and that's what really gets me these days; I'm not self-diagnosing but I guess I show pretty harsh signs of agoraphobia; start to hyperventilate when I have to say Hello to a clerk at the store and Thank you when they ring me up and that's the only interaction I have with people anymore these days.

And I dunno. This is all rambly and stupid and tomorrow I'm going to write another topic and try again to express whatever it is I'm trying to express.

But one thing is that I know the story of being kicked out for having substance abuse problems isn't uncommon and that it's probably not all that uncommon for it to happen when you're at an older age like myself. So did anyone here go through that? Can you share? What was it like, what did you do?
I don't have anyone, and I mean that. I don't have one friend in the entire world, and I don't have any family either. I can make about $600 selling my stuff, so I was going to take a train alllll the way across the country to california because the weather is nice there. There's lots of jobs there too for what I majored in so maybe I can make that happen if I ever get it together enough to have an address again? I'm scared as hell about it but I guess maybe this is for the best in the long run. I don't know. Just wish it didn't have to be like this, you know? Wish it hadn't had to come down to this.