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Getting thrown out of mum's house when I'm almost 30 and broke and I deserve it but hell I'm scared



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Getting thrown out of mum's house when I'm almost 30 and broke and I deserve it but hell I'm scared

Old 11-04-2017, 01:00 PM
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Getting thrown out of mum's house when I'm almost 30 and broke and I deserve it but hell I'm scared

Mum is throwing me out. I'm almost thirty-years old, have been drunk everyday for nearly 8 years (for the past four I've understood my being an alcoholic and get 4-5 months sober each year), and in that time (but most especially the last year; worst year of my life) I've become a mess. I have panic attacks every other week, have tried to kill myself twice, have no friends anymore, have no money at all because I throw it all on benders (again, especially this year; really bad and really lost control every single day from Aug. 2016 until June this year; just insane, so ******* insane but I really didn't have control and didn't think I ever even would again so I'm happy that's done)), have terrible personal responsibility and my emotional maturity has regressed to a small child's, where even the slightest confrontation/acknowledgement of my lousy life sends tears right through my eyes.

I have a college degree, graduated with latin honors for my B.A., but I could never get a job; live in a bad area for skilled work and my being a lush and never taking control of my life means I never saved up anything so to try and take a stab at moving to where work is...

My only goals in life have been to move out of my mum's house, and to get a diploma so I wouldn't have to work unskilled work again because I hate it and my mind goes crazy with how boring and awful cutting open boxes and running registers and dragging pallet jacks is. I don't know where it all got so confused, or when I just lost sight of the connection that drinking and chain-smoking every day would mean I would never save up enough money so to take control of my life. I don't know why I've lived my life the way I have and I regret it all like hell but there's no going back and while it feels like I never could go forward I guess now is the time I sink or swim...

(I know it's childish, stupid thinking, but I'm so mad that only now is my mum acknowledging my drinking, when I've fostered all this madness and sadness and have spent this entire year trying to get a therapist on ******* obamacare which is seemingly impossible because when I'd go to AA, even when I'd been sober for four months this Summer, I'd have these insane breakdowns that weren't appropriate for AA and everyone there was nice but even they would say You need a counselor/therapist and need to work these things out, and I AM available for help finally, only this year have I started attending AA and reaching out to people, and I'm open to solving all this together and accepting help and being thankful and yet I couldn't find a therapist and the emotional problems have gotten so damn bad and now, ******* *now*, is when my mum decides "You're a loser; you have to get out." I know there's never an easy time but jesus at least when I was 23 and doing all the same **** I've been doing all these years later I at least had friends who might have been able to help me, or still had my younger arrogance and confidence to tackle something like homelessness a little better.... but now... I'm just having a panic attack thinking about this)

Anyway, she says she'll give me two weeks and then to get out and I guess she means it. I have no money, literally zero. I made a posting about a month ago saying I was really tempted to drink again after four months sober and that I wasn't going to do it--- but I did. And that's where what little money I had anyway went.
I've been sober now for about 3 days after I guess it was three weeks off before I caught myself. I honestly don't feel too bad about having drank again because I was able to catch it pretty quick; 3 weeks, anyway, just doesn't feel like such a terrible loss in contrast with my past. I went right over to AA and got all teary and then went home and flushed what I had down the sink...
But It's not working. The post I made in October details more the severity of emotional complexes I've developed and that's what really gets me these days; I'm not self-diagnosing but I guess I show pretty harsh signs of agoraphobia; start to hyperventilate when I have to say Hello to a clerk at the store and Thank you when they ring me up and that's the only interaction I have with people anymore these days.

And I dunno. This is all rambly and stupid and tomorrow I'm going to write another topic and try again to express whatever it is I'm trying to express.

But one thing is that I know the story of being kicked out for having substance abuse problems isn't uncommon and that it's probably not all that uncommon for it to happen when you're at an older age like myself. So did anyone here go through that? Can you share? What was it like, what did you do?
I don't have anyone, and I mean that. I don't have one friend in the entire world, and I don't have any family either. I can make about $600 selling my stuff, so I was going to take a train alllll the way across the country to california because the weather is nice there. There's lots of jobs there too for what I majored in so maybe I can make that happen if I ever get it together enough to have an address again? I'm scared as hell about it but I guess maybe this is for the best in the long run. I don't know. Just wish it didn't have to be like this, you know? Wish it hadn't had to come down to this.
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Old 11-04-2017, 04:33 PM
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Sounds like you're at the point I was when I stopped drinking. AA calls it "the gift of desperation". I came within a hair's breath of dying and knew if I didn't stop drinking I would die (but not quick enough). So on my hands and knees I crawled into AA and said "I need help". I got it in spades, the fellowship of the program carried me along until I could stand. Now, 26 years later, I help others who can't stay sober on their own. If you totally give up and take advice it works, I promise.

A big hug
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Old 11-04-2017, 04:44 PM
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Can you ask at AA about any shelters you could stay at, or is there a Salvation Army near you? I think some structure in your life would be a good thing, and going to AA. It's pretty clear you're at a turning point right now, please choose sobriety.
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Old 11-04-2017, 06:15 PM
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Welcome back QuietToday. Sorry to hear about what brings you here, but there are some options as others have mentioned.

I think above and beyond everything though, you are going to have to focus on your drinking. 100% of your problems are directly related to it, so if you want to be able to fix any of the others you are going to have to stop first. It won't be comfortable at first, and there is help available through many of the suggestions above. But the bottom line is that your drinking is the source of everything bad in your life - and you have the power to make the choice to quit and stay quit.
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Old 11-04-2017, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Welcome back QuietToday. Sorry to hear about what brings you here, but there are some options as others have mentioned.

I think above and beyond everything though, you are going to have to focus on your drinking. 100% of your problems are directly related to it, so if you want to be able to fix any of the others you are going to have to stop first. It won't be comfortable at first, and there is help available through many of the suggestions above. But the bottom line is that your drinking is the source of everything bad in your life - and you have the power to make the choice to quit and stay quit.
This.

The OP life is a mess. O.k. What to do. First thing is... like it or not the OP has got to stop drinking.

Keep mucking around and he'll end up homeless in California and perhaps never get out of the cycle. Go to a city like San Francisco and you'll find plenty of people with drink/drug addition that have taken to life on the streets.
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Old 11-05-2017, 05:24 AM
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Hi Quiet,

I've been on the addicted side of the world and also the "throwing out" side. Both suck. As the mom, I'd say that it is unfair to blame me for past actions or inaction now. As a person, I'd say that's simply unproductive and unhelpful whether blame is due or not. I agree with Scott that your attention should be devoted entirely to getting sober and staying that way.

Focus entirely on how to do that. Make calls to the places suggested above. Go to a meeting and ask for help/ideas. Perhaps you could get admitted via the ER. Don't tell them drinking is your primary issue, don't tell them you need a place to stay - tell them you are desperately sad and unable to function. I think these things are true? Don't lie, but tell them the depths of your mental state. Someone there will help you find free help even if you're not admitted.

Just some ideas.
But do something drastic where you are. We all know a geographic cure is no cure at all.

I'm glad you came here to post. Keep doing that.

O
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Old 11-05-2017, 06:57 PM
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Your post can be shortened to:

“I have a lot of problems, all because of drinking.”

“I’ve worn out all my relationships because of drinking.”

“I have no money and no resources because of drinking.”

I’m sorry honey but there’s nothing else in your post of relevance. The only issue is your alcoholism.

You have no assets. Find a county sponsored inpatient rehab. Check yourself in. After getting sober, life will start to come together, people will start to help, and things will begin to make sense.

Stop complicating everything and just get sober.
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Old 11-06-2017, 04:55 PM
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Sounds like you have time and space for extended rehab--Salvation Army is free.

If you don't get the sober thing in place, a train to California will still be a train to nowhere.

You deserve more.
Take this as an opportunity to make a real and drastic change.
You're only 30--lots of wonderful life to live free of addiction. . .
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Old 11-11-2017, 08:56 PM
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Hi QuietToday,

I am sincerely sorry but also happy to see that drinking has dried up your resources. Other mentioned this desperation can serve as the impetus you need to snap into reality and start owning your life. You want to live like an adult. No alcoholic especially at the stage you are at, can live like an adult.

Taking responsibility for yourself has been the solution from the get-go, drinking aside. I know, because I too, am 30 years old and after getting my Master's, I felt lost and frustrated with not being able to secure a job that would lead to the career I worked so hard for. So I lived at home with my parents and drank away the pain, fear and disappointment every night for almost two years. Day drinking, night drinking, wanting to be in oblivion, and my patient mother finding me and dragging my butt back home, nursing me back to health and dabbing antiseptic on skinned knees and elbows. I was breaking her heart and aging her terribly.

It didn't get better until I accepted full responsibility for my actions. My thoughts of drinking were just thoughts - very compelling ones albeit - but I made the conscious decision to keep drinking. So I decided to turn the table and commit to sobriety.

I joined a job agency after a year sober and now I am climbing up the pathway to a promising career in business development.

If I didn't get sober, I would have the great job I do now, my own home and my family's regained trust in me.

The solution begins with sobriety. So start researching options for accommodation and recovery. There are places to go to get help. And keep coming here. I also am coming back to recovery after a 3 month return to drinking. It gets better, Quiet. It's hard at first, but doing that leg work is part of the journey. You are never alone. Many have been in worse situations than you are now, and are now sober, healthy and grateful for it.
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Old 11-12-2017, 12:31 PM
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What I hear in your post:

There is some form of an undiagnosed mental health issue happening.
The alcoholism has taken over your life.

Salvation Army.
AA
Go to your nearest shelter

I would not get on a train to California. Wherever you go there you are.

Lean on us for support.
The foot work and getting help will need to happen by you
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